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Archive | 12:06 am

NewsFLASH! The News with 62% More FLASH!

22 Oct

October 22, 2010

Short and sweet- more absolutely real news from my number one news source, News of the Weird. If only FOX news carried this instead of Glenn Beck I’d be a happy man. Actually, If they’d carry anything but Glenn Beck I’d be OK with it.

First up is a feel good story. Imagine you were adopted and, after 33 years, finally found your birth mother. Even better- your mother is a carny sideshow freak.

Read on.

In a heartwarming climax to an adopted son’s emotional search for his birth mother (who gave him up for adoption 33 years ago), Richard Lorenc of Kansas managed to track down mom Vivian Wheeler, 62, living in Bakersfield, Calif., where she is retired — as a circus-sideshow “bearded lady.” Lorenc said he can see their similarities right through Wheeler’s beard, which she keeps now at a length of 11 inches. The relationship was to be confirmed by a DNA test paid for by the Maury Povich TV show, but at press time, the result had not been announced. [AOL News, 9-16-10, 9-21-10]

Thanks Maury! I’ve got my TiVo ready for this one!

From my Lucky to be Alive? department:

A 23-year-old man on Chicago‘s South Side is still alive after he reported being shot twice on Sept. 17 by different people in different neighborhoods. He was shot above the armpit just after midnight, was treated and released at a hospital, and then was shot again in the leg about 10 hours later. [Chicago Sun-Times, 9-17-10]

I don’t believe this is a case of bad luck. This is a case of the victim being the most annoying man in the world. You know the type of guy. He goes to McDonald’s and complains loudly that the Whopper is better. He goes to a movie and sneaks in his own snacks, and the crinkling of the tin foil is never-ending. He has something stupid to say about everything and he is always wrong. He gets on the train and —- wait a minute, this was the South Side of Chicago? South Side? And he was only shot twice? I take it back, this is one lucky man.

Speaking of shootings….

During a shootout in New York City on Aug. 8, Angel Alvarez, 23, was brought down in a hail of gunfire and taken to Harlem Hospital, where doctors saved his life, though they found 21 bullet wounds (Alvarez’s lawyer said 23). Alvarez’s sister called her brother’s miraculous survival “ridiculous.” [New York Daily News, 8-9-10]

Sooo, she’s happy he’s alive?

Do you know the definition of “irony”? In my dictionary, it can be found right next to the definition of “cheapskate.”

Gene Cranick, who lives outside the city of South Fulton, Tenn., was offered firefighter service by the city for an annual $75 fee but declined to pay. In September, firefighters stood by watching as Cranick’s home burned to the ground. (They had been called to the scene by Cranick’s neighbor, who had paid the fee and feared Cranick’s fire might spread to his property.) [WPSD-TV (Paducah, Ky.), 9-30-10]

I guess the $75 trumps any moral obligation the firemen might have had to save his house. On a related note, Cranick also refused to pay for his sanitation and good for him. After all, the fire took care of the trash for free.

And lastly, and I mean lastly, from the No Way am I Doing that Tattoo! department:

Justin Witcombe, 31, showed a reporter in Geelong, Australia, in September his full body of tattoos of his three idols in life: boxer Mike Tyson, the rock group KISS, and his local Collingwood soccer team, whose mascot is inked prominently on Witcombe’s penis. [Newkerala.com-Asian News International, 9-24-10]

I did a Google search and ladies, imagine this coming at you:

I feel sorry for everyone involved.

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