Archive | November, 2009

My Review of Star Trek

19 Nov

excerpted from May 31, 2009

This goes back to the good old days when William Shatner didn’t wear a wig and was played by another actor. Christopher Pine played William Shatner and that guy from Heroes played Leonard Nimoy. (Anybody watch Heroes anymore? Man, that show used to be so good. Now it sucks.)  

Thanks to some time travel shenanigans, things are a little different this time around. You know how in the original series we always thought that Kirk slept around but never saw any proof? In this film he actually gets some stank on his hang low from a green chick. Sure, the green chick was hot, but when I say “stank” I literally mean “stank” as her scent glands secreted an alien pheromone that made Kirk’s gonads smell like rancid beef stew. Seriously, watch that film- from that scene on, no one stands within ten feet of him.  

Other differences include Uhura actually having lines and good special effects. Aside from that Vulcan gets destroyed and everything you knew about Star Trek over the last 40 years goes right out the window.  

Some bad guy named Zero had a total mad on for Spock. It seems that sometime in the future he blames Spock for the death of his wife- I think they were having an affair or something, and while they were together in Paris they got into a car accident and the wife died while Spock sustained only minor injuries. (On second thought, that may have been the plot of a Harrison Ford film.) Anyway, in an extreme over-reaction, Zero vowed to travel to the past, trap Spock on an ice world, and force him to watch as he blew up Spock’s home planet of Vulcan, changing the time stream so that Kirk becomes an unlikable jerk and Scotty has some weird little alien life-partner.  

 And would you believe it? Zero managed to do just that. It just goes to show you what a goal-oriented person can accomplish.  

The original cast was totally, er, recast, and only Leonard Nimoy got a cameo. William Shatner wanted a part but his demands were too high. He wanted his face in EVERY FRAME of the film. Wisely, the producers turned his generous offer down.  

 I’m not sure where they’ll go from here, but the next film better have Klingons, Khaaaaaan, and something else starting with K. Kryptonite or something.  

Before Star Trek, I saw the trailer for Up, the new animated (formerly cartoon) movie from Pixar. In it, a cranky old guy hooks up his house to a zillion balloons and flies away. I hope I am that cool when I’m old. I already know I’ll be that cranky.

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My Review of Terminator:Salvation

19 Nov

excerpted from May 31, 2009

I saw this one on Memorial Day when I was supposed to be cleaning out my car’s trunk. All those dead birds are getting cramped. (Ooops, there’s that Malaysian thing I’m not supposed to talk about.)  

The Terminator franchise is really easy to understand if you don’t try to understand it. In the first film, an evil computer named SkyNet decided that, in order to make the planet Earth all nice and peaceful, it should kill every human. Of course, humanity is nothing but annoying, and they refused to go along with SkyNet. But not at first. Oh sure, no one minded when SkyNet bought GM, and people cheered when SkyNet took over all the banks, and when SkyNet put tolls on every New York bridge and tunnel, raised the subway fare to $4.85, and made taxi riders share cabs with random lunatics people loved it, but when SkyNet tried to mulch 93% of Earth’s population to stop global warming, even Mayor Bloomberg thought that it was going too far. He had proposed to mulch only 35%.  

SkyNet sent a terminator back in time to kill the woman who would one day give birth to the leader of the resistance. Don’t ask me why. It is simpler if you don’t ask questions. This killer robot looked just like Arnold Schwarzenegger- and yes, I spelled that correctly. Don’t expect me to do it again. I could do a lot of governor jokes here, how he wielded his veto power, etc, but frankly that would be a lot of typing.  

To protect Sarah Conner, the resistance sent back a guy named Kyle Reese. His job was to keep her alive so she could give birth to John Conner, the resistance leader. In a wild plot twist that no one saw coming, unless you were watching the film, Kyle became John’s father. So in other words, John sent his buddy back in time for a booty call that would ensure John’s own birth. And somewhere along the line they crushed Arnold.  

In the next film, John Conner is a totally annoying kid. You really wanted him to die. In this film, SkyNet, using the brains of a fart, sent ANOTHER terminator back in time to kill him. Man, you’d think a super-intelligent hyper-computer would learn from its mistakes. So, d’uh, the resistance sends someone back in time to protect him. What’s the twist? This time, the terminator is a good guy sent to save John Conner. And yeah, it is played by Arnold again. Lots of stuff blows up and John Conner is saved.  

But things don’t go well, as the third film, with yet ANOTHER Arnold terminator sent back in time to kill John Conner, ends with the creation of SkyNet and the beginning of the end of humanity. A real upper, that film.  

This latest film has no suspense because it takes place before the first film. In other words, you know that SkyNet will win the big battle. You know that the resistance will go on. You know that John Conner won’t die. You know that John will find Kyle Reese. All of these things were revealed way back in the first film and are the objects of absolutely no suspense whatsoever. These are fixed, unchanged events.  

So what is this film about? The central questions are:
Will SkyNet win the big battle? YES
Will the resistance go on? YES
Will John Conner die? NO
Will John find Kyle Reese? YES  

At this point, I must caution you that my movie reviews may contain spoilers.  

The film was good, the special effects were good, and the action was good. All it missed was some gratuitous female nudity but you can’t have it all.  

I also saw the big movie blockbuster of the summer, Grease 2.  Hey, I saw it on cable, that counts.

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