from March 2, 2009
Yeah, it was about as bad as it sounds.
This guy was trying to sell, home-shopping style, a set of 13 knives. The first ten were some sort of variations of a Bowie knife. One of them was called “the Galactic Warrior” and was about a foot and a half long, with serrated edges, spikes, all kinds of unnecessary ancillary blades sprouting out from it, and looked like something a Klingon would either take into battle or shave with. The rest were all variously designed with superfluous steel, genuine wood handles from “special knife-handle species of tree” and bad balance. No matter how many times the guy tried to thrust them into the thick slabs of wood serving as displays they always fell over. Once, in a domino effect, six of them cascaded down and the guy’s first impulse was to reach out and grab them. Good thing he missed or he’d be missing a few fingers right now.
The other three knives in the set weren’t “knives” at all. One was a katana, one was a samurai sword, and one was “THE DRAGONSLAYER.” (I’m putting that in caps because he said it in caps.) THE DRAGONSLAYER was a sword with a blade about a foot thick and four feet long. The handle had some kind of mystic runes etched in it. The blade had weird kind of Harry Potter looking inscriptions. The pommel was a dragon’s head. The guard, the thing that goes above the handle and protects your hands, ended in two mini-swords that made the whole thing look like something that you’d only be proud to display in your home if you were a total and complete asshole. And if you happen to be a total and complete asshole, it comes with a display.
How much would you pay for that set? Well, if you are anything like me, and God help you if you are, you’d pay nothing for the set but you’d pay a whole lot for someone to demonstrate the Galactic Warrior on the host’s head. They guy had no idea what he was talking about. While he was waving the heavy cutlery around, he was constantly asking the producer “which blade is this?, “what are we charging for it?”, “is it on the website?”, “are we still in this knife? Or are we selling the next one?” Faintly, but clearly audible, you could hear the producer’s very tried answers. The disgust was palpable.
For anyone interested, the retail price of that set was $1,500.95, but they were letting go for the “wow!” price of $164. Even better, they’d stretch it out to two payments of only $82 apiece. The host was taken aback, stunned really, because the Galactic Warrior alone was over $500 and he hadn’t even seen a price for THE DRAGONSLAYER but it had to be well over, he really said this, $10,000. Just out of curiosity, I checked the TiVo and it said that this show was from 2005. A repeat. Of a show selling products from four years ago. And I was up past 3am watching it.
I’m sure the prices have gone up since then.
By 6am I had been in and out of bed a dozen times, mostly just walking from one room to the other, sometimes looking out the window at the snow. Pretty snow. Fluffy snow. Nice, serene, late night snow covering my car so thick it’ll take me forever to dig out, and God knows I’ll never find a spot after I pull out and so help me I’ll kill a sanitation worker if he plows me in.
But the snow looked pretty.
I was sure, positive, I’d have to start digging and go to work. I work in a school on a hill in a residential area made up of winding side streets near the ferry, so a parking spot in the snow would be harder to find than Amy Winehouse in an AA meeting.
I put on NY1 and waited to see if schools would be open. There was no big SCHOOL CLOSED graphic, no video of happy kids throwing snowballs, just a crawl that said that every single school, nursery school, romper room, college, barn, and hayloft in New Jersey was closed, as usual. I flipped to Good Day New York, which used to have the smoking hot Jodi Applegate but now has some dude and there was no big graphic there either. It did say that mass transit was running and right then and there I started to put on my socks.
But as I pulled on my socks, the crawl on the bottom of the screen started flashing.
*****ALERT*****ALERT*****NEW YORK CITY
Yes, yes!
*****PUBLIC SCHOOLS
Yes, yes!
*****ARE
What? Are what?
*****ARE
Tell me!
*****ARE
Open or closed! What are they? Open or closed?????
*****WAIT FOR IT, HEH HEH HEH
Damn you channel 5!
********************************************************
I pulled off my socks.
This was the first snow day in five years, they said. I remember my first snow day almost ten years ago. I had only been teaching a few weeks in a crappy intermediate school in Bay Ridge and they were forecasting the storm of the century, something like 15 inches of snow, and that was just in the first hour. I woke up that day and it looked like crap. The sky was black, not dark, black. The wind was howling. Little rain squalls were kicking up here and there. Schools just had to be closed. But the Mayor waited and waited, dickered (I like that word- sounds nasty) and dickered until 7am and closed the schools. Immediately I got a phone call from Christine, another new teacher and someone whom I was just in the process of getting close to (and that process would end soon after when, being invited to a party on her friend’s boat via email, I emailed back something along the lines of “ARGH! Shiver me timbers! It’ll be me pleasure to make you walk the plank, ye scurvy wench“) and we were so giddy over the snow day that I totally failed to make a lunch date with her. Long story short, the storm never came and the day turned out to be kind of nice and breezy.
Better than the snow day was the transit strike a few years ago. Schools were open but the kids couldn’t get there so I sat in the hallway with Michelle and played catch with other teachers. A school is a great place to work when there are no students.
As I write this it is 10am and I have spent the first hours of the snow day not sleeping. What is wrong with me?
You can probably tell from my blogs.
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