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Overheard and PONED!

18 Nov

from January 22, 2009

Overheard in the laundromat, a conversation between a man and a woman, obviously in a new relationship:

MAN: I have a system for washing clothes.
WOMAN: Really? I never had a system.
MAN: I do the laundry the same time every week. I figure out the clothes I’m going to wear for the week, like at work, I wear my grey outfit on Wednesdays and Friday is casual so I can wear my blue jeans.
WOMAN: Wow.
MAN: This way, I can also have enough t-shirts to last the week, I need seven. I know how many t-shirts and when I need my hoodie. I’m organized. I wash all my clothes for the week.
WOMAN: OK, I get it. You wear the same clothes at work so you wash the same clothes every week.
MAN: Yeah (ha ha) like you can tell how my week went by my laundry.
WOMAN: So how come you’re only washing like two pairs of underwear?

YOU’VE BEEN PONED!

Overheard at 18th Avenue Waldbaum’s:

OLDER MAN: Do they have any Pepsi?
OLDER WOMAN: Right there.
OLDER MAN: No, that’s diet. They changed the label.
OLDER WOMAN: Is that it?
OLDER MAN: It looks like caffeine free.
OLDER WOMAN: What is this? “Pepsi Max”?
OLDER MAN: I think that’s diet too.
OLDER WOMAN: Why did they change the labels?
OLDER MAN: Fuck this, there’s the Coke.

PEPSI’S BEEN PONED!

Overheard at Staples:

CASHIER: I don’t think we have Kodak ink.
CUSTOMER: It’s right behind you. Turn around.
CASHIER: I’m busy.
CUSTOMER: But you’re helping me!

ONE OF THEM (I’M NOT SURE WHO) GOT PONED!

And lastly, a laundromat tale.

I sometimes see Jolanta Rohloff there. We have an unspoken agreement. We both agree to pretend we neither see nor even know each other. It works pretty well, except when I catch her staring at my underwear in the dryer. Anyway, this week I had no idea she was there. I guess she didn’t know I was there. I turned a corner around a big washer as she came around the other way. I’ve got a pretty good poker face but I was startled and you could see the shock in my face. I was like six inches from her. She was so startled that she dropped her cell phone (into which she was babbling in either illiterate Polish or baby talk) and spun away from me. I turned back, she moved away, and we both then commenced the invisible game.

It was fun.

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I fought the law and the law wrecked my headlight

18 Nov

from January 19, 2009

I was driving down Stillwell Avenue. I was going to Staples to make some copies. I was wearing my seatbelt and, due to the light snow, not going too fast.

As I neared Staples I slowed, put on my blinker, and, seeing the road was clear, I started to turn into the parking lot.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a police car tried to zoom around me on the left. It had veered into the oncoming traffic lane and tried to zip around me. It did not even come close to making it. BTW- no lights, no sirens.

WHAM! I had to think quickly. I had only a millisecond to make a decision. “Finally,” I thought as we collided, “this is it. I can finally use the Frank Costanza move!” Just at the point of impact, I whipped out my right arm to grope my busty female companion in the guise of stopping her from going through the windshield. Too bad I was alone.

In a showcase of driving only rivaled by Captain Sully in the Hudson River, I slowly rolled into the parking lot.

To save any suspense of those of you who might actually care, I was fine. I was also totally in the right, as evidenced by the officers not issuing me a single summons or citation, and also by their very sheepish attitudes. The car didn’t do so well. I lost the driver’s side headlight and got yet more body damage on the side.

The accident happened at about 2:30. By 4 o’clock I had spoken to three officers, a captain, and a lieutenant. My car had been photographed twice. My license was run at least twice. At four o’clock the lieutenant got into the passenger seat with me, ostensibly to get out of the snow but maybe to, I don’t know, commit some police brutality. Like everyone else, he asked for my license. I took it out and, obviously/not obviously, let him see my Detectives Association card, which trumps a mere PBA card. He asked who was on the force. I told him. Without going into it, this is not just a card some guy gave to me, I really have a guy on the force. A Coney Island detective, no less. This was legit.

So I went through the story again, and as always I was all “yes officer, no officer.” I was thanked by like half a task force today for being so polite and cooperative. And why not? I don’t need the Abner Louima treatment, thank you very much.

So it was after 4, I still didn’t make my copies, but I figured that if I waited another hour I’d get to meet Ray Kelly or Mayor Bloomberg. However, I did not.

By 4:30 it was all over but the shouting. And the $171 it would cost me to replace the headlight. And who knows what down the line for the bodywork.

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