My Review of My Review of Superman Returns

13 Nov

from October 13, 2007

Tonight I re-watched Superman Returns so, in the interest of fairness, and my blog, I figured I’d go back and re-read my old review. Think of this as the special DVD commentary. (You may want to go back and read the original first.)

I began my review, as I do most of them, by running down the cast. And I mean “running down” in the insulting sense. For example, I took the opportunity to take a shot at Margot Kidder, the original Lois Lane: Lois Lane, whoever the actress was, I can never remember her name. While I don’t think  she was a tough enough reporter, she was lightyears ahead of Margot Kidder, who, besides being fugly, was so annoying that I can’t believe that Supes never used his Super-vision to see what a scud she was. This new Lois was actually pretty good.

First of all, it was Kate Bosworth. (And secondly, she isn’t so hot either.) This was, I think, the earliest use of “fugly” in one of my blogs. It may be pointed out that Margot Kidder was not in this movie. But she casts such a repulsive shadow that I can’t think of Superman without seeing her leathery chain-smoking face and crack-whore body. God, I’ll say it again, what the hell was wrong with Superman? He should be bagging supermodels, not superscuds. He should bang Kidder with a bag over her head, and one over his just in case. And drunk.

I also gave this backhanded compliment: James (Cyclops) Marsden was perfectly adequate as Richard. Upon a second viewing, I have to change my assessment. He was merely adequate, not perfectly adequate. I sincerely apologize to my readers for this misleading description.

This next line has followed me around forever: Was that Kumar as Lex’s Henchman? I have to tell you, I have never, ever, seen Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. And I never will. It just seems wrong. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think my eyes may pop out of their sockets if I do. (Citizen Kane that film ain’t.)  At any rate, yes, that was Kumar. The problem is that the guy gets a lot of work now. He is on my favorite show, House, but whenever I see him on screen I think “Hey it’s Kumar.” That guy is ruining my TV! And since House is the guy I most admire and have patterned my life on, this can be a problem. (You see the resemblance, right? Super-smart guy, doesn’t like anybody, acts like a dick to his friends? My favorite misanthrope.)

I then gushed over the Spider-Man 3 trailer: Awesome- Sandman,  Goblin, and the alien symbiote and Eddie Brock! If you knew the comic story they’re doing, you’d be excited too- VENOM IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!! It has been over a year, and I still have not seen that movie. Screw you Hollywood! That’s what you get for charging $10.50 for a ticket.

I also took a potshot at Kevin Smith: Oh yeah, Clerks 2. Kevin Smith has just given up, hasn’t he? Oh yeah, he has. My bathroom towels have more talent. (And by the way, I do mean potshot, if you know what I mean.)

I then complained for a while about popcorn prices, bad seats, and just generally sounded like a cranky old man. I wasted almost a whole page and the movie hadn’t even started yet. I am going to have a fun senility.

So I next spent some time with the actual plot. About time, too, until I wrote this: Now, there’s a lot I could say about the Clark-Lois “relationship” but I won’t since it was all too painful to watch. Poor Clark, watching the woman he loves all the time, working with her, being with her just an arm’s length away, lust in his eyes, watching her every move, longing for- but really, I just can’t relate to him. What a strange man. Now this nearly got me into some hot water. There was a lot of speculation about who or what I really was or was not talking about here. Obviously I won’t go into details, but I will say this- “No homo!”

But this part is homo- . All we got to see were the glances, the hints, the bare bones of the homosexual love that Jimmy Olsen has for Clark Kent. As Richard (Dick) said, “Jimmy couldn’t stop talking about you.” I think that Singer must have had something more in mind than just making Jimmy Clark’s “pal.” This was a man, a boy really, who both looked up to and desired Kent. More than just a mentor, Jimmy wanted a man to teach him the ways of man to man physicality. I think that when the director’s cut comes out there will be a lot more to their “relationship.” It really is no coincidence that Jimmy fondles his camera with the long lens throughout the film. Olsen has clearly sublimated his desire for men here.

If any lawyers from Warner Brothers, DC, the estate of Siegel and Shuster, or any ambulance chasers are thinking about suing me, just let me say this in this public forum- Superman is all man. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) Now Batman and Robin, that’s another story. A grown man and his “ward” named Dick hanging out in a dark cave wearing tights. Draw your own conclusions, but Batman made Robin wear a pair of short shorts until he was 23. And what about Alfred, their “buttler?” (If any lawyers from Warner Brothers, DC, the estate of Bob Kane, or any ambulance chasers are thinking about suing me, you’ll have to contact my South American legal team, if you can find them in the jungles of Bolivia.)

After many more totally hilarious, uproarious, and hysterical jokes later (this is my blog, if you don’t agree how totally genius I am then you can leave now) I wrote this: Supes also rescues a man from a fire and kills the leaders of Hamas, just to do Israel a solid. I just want to explain that this was not Colonel Sanders, who was revealed to be the real Middle-Eastern trouble maker in my recent news photo blog. The Colonel was still quietly serving his seven secret spices (two of which are rat poison and arsenic) to an unsuspecting public at this time.

Lex starts his evil scheme to corner the real estate market. When he’s finished, he’ll have high-end casinos and resorts on every inch of beachfront property in the world. No one will be able to go on vacation without Luthor getting a cut. Then he’ll jack up the rent. Along the line billions of people will die. Oh yeah- he laced it with Kryptonite so people from Krypton will be unable to vacation on his island. He’ll have the world’s biggest restricted country club. He’ll let in Jews, but no one from space. He’s an anti-Kryptite, the bald bastard. This still makes me laugh. HA HA HA! See? But seriously, this is funny. Take it from me. If you don’t think it is funny then you are not funny. This is the “Funny litmus test.” Funny people think this is funny. Unfunny people don’t.

I ended the review with this bit of ahead-of-its-time forecasting: Nic Cage plays a firefighter in World Trade Center. UGH! Another 9/11 movie. GAH! What’s the connection? Nic Cage was once almost signed to play Superman in this film. Can you imagine a bald Superman? What’s next- a black JFK? Over the summer I watched Bubba Ho-Tep, in which Ossie Davis played, you guessed it, a black JFK. (This will take far too long to explain. It is a movie about Elvis, JFK, and an evil mummy. If Oliver Stone directed Scooby Doo it might have looked something like that.)

As far as reviews go, this one was pretty good. Maybe not as good as my review of The Greatest Story Ever Told starring Jim Carrey as Jesus, but good nonetheless. I think it holds up better than the movie, not a tough feat.

I’ve sent this review to Entertainment Weekly. I hope they’ll offer me staff position instead of the restraining orders they usually send me.

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