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Tag Archives: Superman returns

Mr. Blog Goes to the Movies: Superman Returns

28 Mar

March 28, 2011

from July 2006

Saw Superman Returns tonight.

Lets go over the actors. Brandon Roush (Routh, Rude, whatever) is very very good. As Clark, he was just like Chris Reeve. Funny and nerdy, really like a totally different person. No wonder nobody (but the kid) can see the resemblance.

Lois Lane, whoever the actress was, I can never remember her name. While I don’t think  she was a tough enough reporter, she was lightyears ahead of Margot Kidder, who, besides being fugly, was so annoying that I can’t believe that Supes never used his Super-vision to see what a scud she was. This new Lois was actually pretty good.

Kevy Kev Spacey- very Gene Hackman-like. Hackman was a little more comedic, Spacey a little darker, but I could believe that they were the same person.

Jimmy Olsen- good. Liked him. Ditto for Perry White, and James (Cyclops) Marsden was perfectly adequate as Richard.

Good to see Marlon Brando back on the screen. Glad to see he’s not letting a little thing like being dead hold back his career.

Was that Kumar as Lex’s Henchman?

Lotsa cameos- Noel  Neil, Jack Larsen, and Richard Bransen. Bransen? WTF was he doing there?

Before I get into the film, one thing I must mention- SPIDER-MAN 3 TRAILER!!!!!!!!! Awesome- Sandman,  Goblin, and the alien symbiote and Eddie Brock! If you knew the comic story they’re doing, you’d be excited too- VENOM IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, Clerks 2. Kevin Smith has just given up, hasn’t he?

OK, so we got the actors out of the way.

I saw this at Sheepshead Bay. At the big theaters, the best seat is the top row, middle seat. You are looking straight at the screen, no looking up or down at it. In the center, you are perfectly seated for all the action no matter where. It puts you right in the movie. Well, I didn’t get that seat. Some tool was already sitting there. We were like the 18th and 19th in line, and when they let us in I zipped around most of the people and rushed up the steps, and the guy who was number one in line beat me to it. I sat two seats to the right of center, not bad. Too bad I had to knock over some old lady to get there. Ah well, such is life.

BTW- $16 dollars for a large popcorn and two drinks. If we wanted candy I would have had to sell my car.

The theater was packed and we ended up seated with two very quiet children on either side of us, and in front of us was a very small middle aged couple who never even looked at each other the whole time we were there. There were a lot of kids in the place, but there was a very nice oasis of quiet around us and I just lucked out.

Trailers ended, movie starts up, classic Superman music and credits! OK, I marked out here, but I was set up for this. I felt like a kid again- until I remembered that I paid full price. (OK, enough carping about prices.)

Luthor is swindling an old lady out of her fortune, and she says that he “gave her pleasure like she never experienced before” giving rise to the unpleasant question “did Lex sleep with that brittle mummy?” Ewwwwww, that’s pure evil, Lex.

Supes comes back to Earth and here I was very pleased that the ship was faithful to both the original film and the current comics. In fact, DC just ended a story with Supes and Luthor that was very similar to the movie in some places. Very cool.

Flashback to Clark’s days on the farm, and if I had his powers in high school, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be spending time in the wheat field, if you know what I mean. In high school I pretty much hung out with the same two or three guys and did pretty much nothing but keep to myself. Kind of like me in high school now. Now imagine me able to see through things and move at super speed. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Or not. Whatever.

Clark goes back to the Daily Planet and sees Lois Lane again. Now, there’s a lot I could say about the Clark-Lois “relationship” but I won’t since it was all too painful to watch. Poor Clark, watching the woman he loves all the time, working with her, being with her just an arm’s length away, lust in his eyes, watching her every move, longing for- but really, I just can’t relate to him. What a strange man.

Jimmy, though, that’s another story. Clearly, director Bryan Singer left a lot on the cutting room floor. All we got to see were the glances, the hints, the bare bones of the homosexual love that Jimmy Olsen has for Clark Kent. As Richard (Dick) said, “Jimmy couldn’t stop talking about you.” I think that Singer must have had something more in mind than just making Jimmy Clark’s “pal.” This was a man, a boy really, who both looked up to and desired Kent. More than just a mentor, Jimmy wanted a man to teach him the ways of man to man physicality. I think that when the director’s cut comes out there will be a lot more to their “relationship.” It really is no coincidence that Jimmy fondles his camera with the long lens throughout the film. Olsen has clearly sublimated his desire for men here.

Then the airplane sequence hits. Wow! Great! One of the best action sequences I’ve seen in a while. Very realistic, even down to the thin skin of the plane rippling under the pressure. Supes lands the plane, gives his “flying is still the safest way to travel,” strikes a heroic pose, and he’s off! Superman is back! Poor Lois, the fickle woman, passes out from the sheer masculinity of the man. Get in line lady, Jimmy saw him first.

Luthor and Evil Kumar are up to no good. Spacey wears some wigs. Good line from Parker Posey “You act like you’ve been here before.” He was there before- Superman Two. General Zod brought him there! Luthor steals some crystals and watches an old Brando movie, On The Waterfront, I think.  Then it’s off to the Evil Luthor Super Boat that I would give pretty much anything to own. The boat has it all- even a pool table. That’s how you know Lex is evil- he’s outfitted his boat with a game that it is impossible to play on the swaying ocean. Just because he can! I bet he also has a killer Jenga set too.

Supes saves Parker Posey while Lex steals some kryptonite. Oh that wacky Lex! Supes also rescues a man from a fire and kills the leaders of Hamas, just to do Israel a solid. All the while, Lois wants to follow up on the power outage while Perry white, the savvy newspaperman he is, ignores the real news and has Lois do what everyone else in town is doing- try to get an interview with Superman. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, that Perry White. Give Lois some slack- she won a Pulitzer, for god’s sake. “Why the World Doesn’t Need A Superman.” Pretty ballsy from the woman who would have died ten times over if it wasn’t for Superman. I think it was all the influence of Professor X. (Stick with me here.) While Superman has been away, the X-Men have had two blockbuster films. They were directed by Superman director Bryan Singer and starred Superman co-star James Marsten as Cyclops. Now Bryan Singer left the X-Men to do this film, so you know they weren’t happy. Therefore, Professor Xavier was trying to sabotage this movie so the X-Men would continue to rule the superhero genre. (At least until Spider-Man 3 comes out.)

Supes and Lois go flying, and for some reason she still doesn’t leave Richard, even though Superman can like, fly and stuff.

Luthor kidnaps Lois and knows what we all knew an hour earlier- that’s Superboy there! Goofy looking, hippie hair Superboy with asthma. I guess Kal-El doesn’t have the greatest DNA, or Lois’s family tree is just a mess of recessive genes.

Cool part where Supes just lets the bullets bounce off his chest, and eye!

Lex starts his evil scheme to corner the real estate market. When he’s finished, he’ll have high-end casinos and resorts on every inch of beachfront property in the world. No one will be able to go on vacation without Luthor getting a cut. Then he’ll jack up the rent. Along the line billions of people will die. Oh yeah- he laced it with Kryptonite so people from Krypton will be unable to vacation on his island. He’ll have the world’s biggest restricted country club. He’ll let in Jews, but no one from space. He’s an anti-Kryptite, the bald bastard.

Richard does some stuff with a seaplane.

Lex kicks the crap out of a depowered Superman. Without his powers, it turns out the Supes has a glass jaw and can’t take a punch. He curled up like an earthworm while Lex got him with a kryptonite shiv. Of course, you can’t keep Superman down, so we’ll skip to the end.

Superman is down (yeah yeah) and in the hospital. Here is where I think the film dragged and brought the movie down from almost 4 stars to about 31/4. We all knew he wouldn’t die. YOU CAN’T KILL FREAKIN’ SUPERMAN! THERE HAVE TO BE SEQUELS! Just like Jesus, he got stabbed in the side, died for us, and was reborn. Yada yada yada. He got better.

Bottom line, I enjoyed this film, even though I thought that it was a bit heavy handed in places. I really don’t have any major complaints, though I wanted to see more of Lex’s henchman with the camera. He must have an interesting backstory. I think he must have been a Hollywood movie director at some point, who was involved with a DVD pirating operation. He went to jail and met Lex Luthor. Lex saw the potential in him and made him the official cameraman of Lexcorp. Lex does all the evil work and he edits it together into documentaries that he enters in the Sundance Film Festival.

If you like these types of movies, this is the movie for you. It has everything that you want to see in a Superman movie- Superman. If it had Captain Kirk it would not have been a Superman movie, and Warner Brothers would also have a lawsuit on their hands.

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My Review of My Review of Superman Returns

13 Nov

from October 13, 2007

Tonight I re-watched Superman Returns so, in the interest of fairness, and my blog, I figured I’d go back and re-read my old review. Think of this as the special DVD commentary. (You may want to go back and read the original first.)

I began my review, as I do most of them, by running down the cast. And I mean “running down” in the insulting sense. For example, I took the opportunity to take a shot at Margot Kidder, the original Lois Lane: Lois Lane, whoever the actress was, I can never remember her name. While I don’t think  she was a tough enough reporter, she was lightyears ahead of Margot Kidder, who, besides being fugly, was so annoying that I can’t believe that Supes never used his Super-vision to see what a scud she was. This new Lois was actually pretty good.

First of all, it was Kate Bosworth. (And secondly, she isn’t so hot either.) This was, I think, the earliest use of “fugly” in one of my blogs. It may be pointed out that Margot Kidder was not in this movie. But she casts such a repulsive shadow that I can’t think of Superman without seeing her leathery chain-smoking face and crack-whore body. God, I’ll say it again, what the hell was wrong with Superman? He should be bagging supermodels, not superscuds. He should bang Kidder with a bag over her head, and one over his just in case. And drunk.

I also gave this backhanded compliment: James (Cyclops) Marsden was perfectly adequate as Richard. Upon a second viewing, I have to change my assessment. He was merely adequate, not perfectly adequate. I sincerely apologize to my readers for this misleading description.

This next line has followed me around forever: Was that Kumar as Lex’s Henchman? I have to tell you, I have never, ever, seen Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. And I never will. It just seems wrong. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think my eyes may pop out of their sockets if I do. (Citizen Kane that film ain’t.)  At any rate, yes, that was Kumar. The problem is that the guy gets a lot of work now. He is on my favorite show, House, but whenever I see him on screen I think “Hey it’s Kumar.” That guy is ruining my TV! And since House is the guy I most admire and have patterned my life on, this can be a problem. (You see the resemblance, right? Super-smart guy, doesn’t like anybody, acts like a dick to his friends? My favorite misanthrope.)

I then gushed over the Spider-Man 3 trailer: Awesome- Sandman,  Goblin, and the alien symbiote and Eddie Brock! If you knew the comic story they’re doing, you’d be excited too- VENOM IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!! It has been over a year, and I still have not seen that movie. Screw you Hollywood! That’s what you get for charging $10.50 for a ticket.

I also took a potshot at Kevin Smith: Oh yeah, Clerks 2. Kevin Smith has just given up, hasn’t he? Oh yeah, he has. My bathroom towels have more talent. (And by the way, I do mean potshot, if you know what I mean.)

I then complained for a while about popcorn prices, bad seats, and just generally sounded like a cranky old man. I wasted almost a whole page and the movie hadn’t even started yet. I am going to have a fun senility.

So I next spent some time with the actual plot. About time, too, until I wrote this: Now, there’s a lot I could say about the Clark-Lois “relationship” but I won’t since it was all too painful to watch. Poor Clark, watching the woman he loves all the time, working with her, being with her just an arm’s length away, lust in his eyes, watching her every move, longing for- but really, I just can’t relate to him. What a strange man. Now this nearly got me into some hot water. There was a lot of speculation about who or what I really was or was not talking about here. Obviously I won’t go into details, but I will say this- “No homo!”

But this part is homo- . All we got to see were the glances, the hints, the bare bones of the homosexual love that Jimmy Olsen has for Clark Kent. As Richard (Dick) said, “Jimmy couldn’t stop talking about you.” I think that Singer must have had something more in mind than just making Jimmy Clark’s “pal.” This was a man, a boy really, who both looked up to and desired Kent. More than just a mentor, Jimmy wanted a man to teach him the ways of man to man physicality. I think that when the director’s cut comes out there will be a lot more to their “relationship.” It really is no coincidence that Jimmy fondles his camera with the long lens throughout the film. Olsen has clearly sublimated his desire for men here.

If any lawyers from Warner Brothers, DC, the estate of Siegel and Shuster, or any ambulance chasers are thinking about suing me, just let me say this in this public forum- Superman is all man. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) Now Batman and Robin, that’s another story. A grown man and his “ward” named Dick hanging out in a dark cave wearing tights. Draw your own conclusions, but Batman made Robin wear a pair of short shorts until he was 23. And what about Alfred, their “buttler?” (If any lawyers from Warner Brothers, DC, the estate of Bob Kane, or any ambulance chasers are thinking about suing me, you’ll have to contact my South American legal team, if you can find them in the jungles of Bolivia.)

After many more totally hilarious, uproarious, and hysterical jokes later (this is my blog, if you don’t agree how totally genius I am then you can leave now) I wrote this: Supes also rescues a man from a fire and kills the leaders of Hamas, just to do Israel a solid. I just want to explain that this was not Colonel Sanders, who was revealed to be the real Middle-Eastern trouble maker in my recent news photo blog. The Colonel was still quietly serving his seven secret spices (two of which are rat poison and arsenic) to an unsuspecting public at this time.

Lex starts his evil scheme to corner the real estate market. When he’s finished, he’ll have high-end casinos and resorts on every inch of beachfront property in the world. No one will be able to go on vacation without Luthor getting a cut. Then he’ll jack up the rent. Along the line billions of people will die. Oh yeah- he laced it with Kryptonite so people from Krypton will be unable to vacation on his island. He’ll have the world’s biggest restricted country club. He’ll let in Jews, but no one from space. He’s an anti-Kryptite, the bald bastard. This still makes me laugh. HA HA HA! See? But seriously, this is funny. Take it from me. If you don’t think it is funny then you are not funny. This is the “Funny litmus test.” Funny people think this is funny. Unfunny people don’t.

I ended the review with this bit of ahead-of-its-time forecasting: Nic Cage plays a firefighter in World Trade Center. UGH! Another 9/11 movie. GAH! What’s the connection? Nic Cage was once almost signed to play Superman in this film. Can you imagine a bald Superman? What’s next- a black JFK? Over the summer I watched Bubba Ho-Tep, in which Ossie Davis played, you guessed it, a black JFK. (This will take far too long to explain. It is a movie about Elvis, JFK, and an evil mummy. If Oliver Stone directed Scooby Doo it might have looked something like that.)

As far as reviews go, this one was pretty good. Maybe not as good as my review of The Greatest Story Ever Told starring Jim Carrey as Jesus, but good nonetheless. I think it holds up better than the movie, not a tough feat.

I’ve sent this review to Entertainment Weekly. I hope they’ll offer me staff position instead of the restraining orders they usually send me.

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