13 Nov

from October 10, 2007

This is a collection of “what ifs,” and “never weres.” This is not a hoax, not a dream, not an imaginary story. It is an actual compilation of blogs never written.

I had the idea of writing a blog in the style of those instructions that you find in foreign toys, the ones that were translated to English via Serbian. Here is a sample:


Thanking You Consumer Friend! Your readings of “Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride” make much happy to all day, whether lunch or major meal time!  Mr. Blog no like rancid milk, why buy it in store?

 First time have much to blog, much talking with great gestures to sky, air, Germany. (Parenthesis!) And Sir Know All say advice to teens and their appliances. This week good as bad week too.

 Letter the First come to mail by email computer “URL”

 I soon found it impossible to keep up. It is really hard to write that stuff well. It is really easy to write that stuff bad, believe me, but to write that well is work. Too much work. And possibly offensive too.

I also had the idea of writing a blog about the New American Songbook.

The classic American Songbook is full of “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” Kate Smith bellowing “God Bless America,” “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” and a lot of songs that were good in their day, but their day passed about two centuries ago. I had the idea to write new songs that better reflect modern America. Almost instantly, I realized that I cannot write songs. Go back to the “poetry” blog and you’ll see proof. So here you’ll find the titles that would have filled my New American Songbook:

Hey Pervert

“Yeah, I’m Talkin’ To You”

 “That Powder Ain’t Sugar”

 “Song of Rehab”

 “Sir, I Apologized To You in Step Nine”

 “You’re a HO And You Gots Ta GO! (Jerry Springer Anthem)

So that was out. It was around that time that I took a good look at my friends and saw that they are about 2/3 female. No, I don’t mean that the individual friends were each 2/3 female, I mean that 2/3 of my total friends are female. (Somebody check that- I’m not a math teacher.) I got to wondering.

If I went to a man’s web page and saw a mostly female audience I’d have a couple of guesses. I’d guess that the guy was either a queen or a stud. I am neither. But I’m working on “stud.” I’m just a guy who skews female in all major demographics. That may explain the Kotex ads on my page. Anyway, I do urge all of my female fans to check out my page, which currently features classic WWF wrestling music videos from the 1980s, including The Honky Tonk Man and the infamous Vince McMahon “Stand Back” video. In the interest of not offending my female fans I have scrapped plans to write a blog entitled “Testicles.”

I spotted this bit of news today: Bobby Brown suffered a mild heart attack in LA today. I tried, really, but I couldn’t stretch it out to an entire blog, funny as the premise obviously is. So here is the single joke I wrote:

Bobby Brown suffered a mild heart attack in Los Angeles today. According to his spokesperson, “He just wants the fans to know that he is definitely going to come back full speed ahead.”

Come back from what- 1987? Bobby Brown hasn’t had a hit since he last hit Whitney Houston. But I guess that’s his “Prerogative”

Better that I left it alone, I think. That is more Mr. Know-It-All’s area, and speaking of Mr. Know-It-All……..

I have been accused of being Mr. Know-It-All. I must, here and now, publicly, categorically, deny deny deny. I am not Mr. Know-It-All. No way can I be Mr. KIA. Go to his page and you’ll see- he also denies being me. And what two guys should you believe more than me? I mean “us.” And if I were him, then it would clearly be a symptom of some deep-seated mental disorder, possibly indicative of a split personality psychosis.

So there you have it. A collection of things never to be. Some may never have seen the light of day, others may never have even been conceived had it not been for this wonderful forum called “Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride.”  But the unifying theme, the thread that joins all of these unfinished blogs, is the same as the theme behind all of my blogs- “what was I thinking? It sounded good at the time.”

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