Tag Archives: toys

Superman, The Man of Shill

5 May

May 5, 2011

This week marks the anniversary of the day in 1938 that Superman Debuted in Action Comics #1.

In honor of the event I am going to showcase a few of the more obscure products which have been endorsed by Superman.

KRYPTONITE ROCKS

It’s Terrific!
It’s Fantastic!
It’s a Rock!

These are rocks painted green with glow-in-the-dark paint, $2.50 per rock, $1 shipping and handling. So what is the theory here? Why is Superman ripping off kids- er, selling Kryptonite? Superman is selling them to his friends- The Parasite better not send in $3.50- so they can take possession of the irradiated chunks of the planet Krypton and keep them safe, in lead boxes, so Superman can never come in contact with them. Ah. My God, this is easily one of the worst rip off’s I have ever seen. Selling rocks to kids. Anyone who bought these should go to the DC offices and hurl them back through the windows.

SUPERMAN PEANUT BUTTER and PEANUTS

Superman is the hero and protector of all humanity, except the approximately 0.6% of the population with severe peanut allergies and can die from anaphylaxis if they inhale even a tiny amount of peanut dust. I hope he changes Super-suits after he leaves the peanut factory or he may end up killing the very baby he rescues from Brainiac.

Check out this ad for Superman peanut butter. Superman is willing to protect the secret of its great taste with his life! I don’t blame him. Once Lex Luthor gets the secret of great taste, he can corner the peanut butter market, and how far behind can grape jelly be?

SUPERMAN CINEMATIC PICTURE PISTOL

There is a short filmstrip in the gun. You look through the hole in the back of the gun and see a frame of a filmstrip. Pulling the trigger advances the film.

This is easily, hands down, the most irresponsible toy I have ever seen. Yes, I get that this is from another era, that kids were routinely given toy guns and even real guns to play with. I get all of that. But whose idea was it to put a movie inside a gun? To teach young kids to put a gun to their heads and pull the trigger?

A movie in a gun? Thanks, Superman.

SPECIALMAN

OK, it’s a Japanese rip-off but out of all the stuff on this page, this is probably the most fun. But given the amount of lead probably used in the paint, it is likely also the most dangerous.

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I Found it (And More!) on eBay!

22 Mar

March 22, 2011

Earlier this month I found a selection of lousy stuff people actually thought would sell on eBay. They were things like a unicorn statue with a missing horn, which makes it a horse statue in my book. There were puzzles with missing pieces and celebrity underwear. This month, lacking in inspiration but needing a blog, I went back to eBay and entered the same search terms. Guess what? The broken unicorn and underwear where still there 17 days later. So I entered some new search terms and found these wonderful sales.

This is the first and last time I enter “fecal” as a search term anywhere. There are more than ten available. If your doctor is buying fecal loops in bulk from eBay it is time to change your doctor.

This remained unsold at 99 cents. And for two! That’s 49.5 cents each! Realistically, it is 50 cents for one and 49 cents for the other. I would email her and ask if I could just buy the 49 cent one. Who needs two? Actually, who needs to order one? The people who need these things tend to be in nursing homes, hospitals, or under medical care so they have them anyway. If someone is simply lazy and doesn’t like to get out of bed to go pee there are other options. Just don’t drink his bottle of apple juice.

I came across these ugly, horrible pants when I searched “damaged.” To begin with, skinny jeans on men ALWAYS look wrong. Sorry folks, they are too effeminate. But these jeans? They have other issues which I’ll get to but first there is the issue of the tail. Huh? Is it part of the pants? Is it an accessory? Does someone think that looks good? And what planet are they orbiting? These are the world’s ugliest pants. The patches, the worn look, the material, the boots they are worn with, everything in that picture screams UGLY! They only thing those pants are good for is burning.  

I can’t get past the tail.

So let me get this straight. Ten bucks for a toy plastic ice cube tray. For one buck I can get a pair of real plastic ice cube trays from the dollar store down the block. There is no difference between the real and toy versions. It isn’t like an ice cube tray is unsafe. And play value? With a toy ice cube tray my kid can pretend to make ice cubes. (Whoopee!) With a real ice cube tray my kid can pretend to make ice cubes. (Whoopee!) And then I can make ice cubes.

I am not one of those guys who thinks clowns are scary. I don’t find them funny either but they aren’t scary unless we’re talking about Pennywise from It or a serial killer. However, there is simply something creepy about a listing for a clown head with a pair of feet. That picture does nothing to make it less creepy.

You really can find anything on eBay. You just won’t want most of it.

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