Tag Archives: pizza

First World Problems!

3 Dec

December 3, 2012

keyes

You’re all familiar with the concept of “First World Problems”, correct?  The common definition is “a frustration or complaint only experienced by privileged individuals in wealthy countries.” This is summed up below thanks to one of my favorite websites, memegenerator.net

                       first world problems meme

(I highly recommend this site for some great laughs. Check out Bad Luck Brian – remember him from Uncle Majic post? He’s the kid who unfortunately got raped – Scumbag Steve, and the rest of the memebots!)

 This is the first thing that jumped to my mind when I saw some of the following products. I don’t deny the cleverness of them, or that they solve modern annoyances…..but jeeze, you know? I’m as hard hearted as anyone but even I have limits:

1)      PIZZAZAZZZ!

Don’tcha hate it when you slice your pizza and the toppings and cheese slide off?  Well now this problem is solved! Presenting…..PIZZA SCISSORS!!!  A clever combination of scissors and spatula. Having so much food in one dish is such an inconvenience, isn’t it?

 pizza scisssors

 

This reminds me of South Park, where Starvin’ Marvin goes to the buffet with Cartman:

http://www.southparkstudios.fi/clips/150002/king-jimmys-buffet

NO STARVIN’ MARVIN, THAT’S MY POT PIE! AND SO WHAT IF YOU’RE STARVING, I NEED TO KEEP MY PIZZA TOPPINGS ON TOP OF MY SLICE GODDAMMIT!!!  (God help me though, I did order one. I do hate it when my meat stalker supreme falls apart before I can shotgun it like a pelican)

 2)      HUNT FOR RED FORKTOBER

 titanium spork 

Looks pretty harmless you say? Even kinda cute? Yes, and we all have fond memories of eating tater tots (yummy!!) in the school lunchroom. What makes this annoying to me is this is made of titanium. Yes…TITANIUM.

According to Wikipedia entry for titanium: “two most useful properties of the metal form are corrosion resistance and the highest strength-to-weight ratio of any metal. In its unalloyed condition, titanium is as strong as some steels, but 45% lighter.”  You know what titanium is used for? Submarine hulls:

 sub 

Reactors:

 reactor

 

This valuable metal is used to help create the pinnacles of human achievement…….and sporks. FEH.  Sweet meteorite of doom, you can come take us any time now.

 

3)      TACO SOLO ESTUPIDO

individual taco caddy

¿Si molesto cuando su delicioso, carga taco siempre se vuelca, enviando su deliciosa comida que fluye en la placa? Poner un taco en una placa en el lado de it ahora es demasiado inconveniente para nosotros, necesitamos para poner nuestros alimentos en carritos individuales poco pequeñita para que nosotros mismos desfiladero en las comidas de la Inmaculada. Personalmente Limpie mis tacos con “Pledge” antes de comer para conseguir ese brillo de nuevo taco!

4)      BECAUSE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SHOULD NEVER MIX (or you’re too lazy to wash 2 knives)

pbj

Remember the days when we were proud to mix our food?

I prefer this take on it though… 

Now if the PB mixes with the J a second before it hits the bread, we freak out. What a nation of prissypants we’ve become. When I was a kid I used to make PB&J by scooping it out with my hands and I survived. ( I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!!! But don’t tell my parents, they’d be pretty fouled out to know)

 

5)      IT’S COME TO THIS

 lazy glasses

 

Glasses that allow us to read, watch porn, or play video games while laying flat on our backs.  We’re officially too lazy to even sit up to watch TV anymore. You know what’s next?

(apologies for the awful clip quality)

South Park, Family Guy AND Simpsons clips? I hit the trifecta this week!

This Is Where I Live (2)

15 Aug

August 15, 2012

This is an actual email exchange I had with the Senior Hospitality Representative of a major Italian restaurant chain. I won’t use their name, but I’ll just say that if you want to go to a pizzeria they are the numero uno place to go. Am I being too subtle? Anyway, I think the following actual and true email exchange sums up the experience nicely. And of course, I was with Saarah again. Aren’t I always? I’ve been to this place in the past many times and never had an experience like this. Today, Bay Ridge.

—————————————

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to complain about the service I received at your Bay Ridge Brooklyn [name of restaurant]. We went to your restaurant on Wednesday July 25th at about 7:30 pm. The restaurant was mostly empty yet we received very poor service. When my friend and I entered we were openly stared at by the host. Perhaps he does not like seeing an interracial couple. Although we entered together, stood with each other, and spoke together, he seemed unsure if we were really together and instead of asking simply stared at us quizzically. When I asked for a table for two, he left us to look for a table. Why? The restaurant was 90% empty. When he returned he asked us to follow him and asked me to get the menus from the podium. Isn’t that his job? As we walked to the table he inserted himself into the conversation between my friend and me. He made my female companion uncomfortable.

We were seated in the farthest corner of the restaurant. Our waitress, named C—–a, had an attitude and was rude. She slammed plates down, left them on the edge of the table instead of placing them in front of us, and would not pick up the dirty plates. Instead she put out her hand and expected us to hand them to her. We did not even get asked for drink refills until she overheard us complaining. At one point we had a problem with our order, which the manager had spoken to us about previously, and when we told her we did not like the food, she said “what do you want me to do about it?” She said it with an angry tone. When my friend told her she did not want the food, C—–a again said “what do you want me to do about it?” but this time it was openly hostile.

We were not the only table with a problem with her. We complained that is was very cold and she turned off the a/c but left the cord dangling on the bench, forcing someone at the next table to sit on the remote control. Obviously she did not bother to place the remote back where she got it, preferring to make a customer uncomfortable instead. Finally, at the end of the night, she overcharged us on the bill.

As bad as all this was, the worst part was when she brought out a tray of drinks, which contained our two drinks and four drinks for the table next to us. She put the tray down on our table- and crowded us- and served us our drinks. She then left it on our table, served the table next to us, then LEFT THE WET AND EMPTY TRAY ON OUR TABLE when she took further orders from the other group. Simply put she was lazy and rude. She did not check in to see if we needed anything until we complained. She did not take the dirty glasses from our table, just left them stacked on the edge. Even when we asked for a simple bottle of ketchup she did not bring it. She sent over a very confused man who wandered around with the bottle, unsure of what table to bring it to.

We were very disappointed and offended by our evening at the Bay Ridge Brooklyn [name of restaurant]. The service was not only poor but hostile. Even when we mercifully left, there was no one at the podium. We walked out without even a good night from the host. I can honestly say that I never before left no tip for a server. This service was so bad that I not only did not want to leave her a cent, I wanted her to tip me for putting up with her lack of professionalism. We have no intention of returning to your restaurant again.

———————-

Dear ——-,

With the treatment you received from our staff, I can totally understand why you would not want to return.  I can offer no excuses for the rudeness and lack of professionalism from our staff.  Only my most sincere apology.

Please know we do not want to lose you as a customer.

Your experience will be shared with our General Manager and Regional Director.  I would very much like to personally apologize, learn more about the food problems you had, and to try and talk you into giving us another chance.  I can assure you that this is not typical of the service we provide.

Hoping you will give me a call.

K—– B——
Senior Hospitality Representative
Mon-Fri 8:30-4:30 EST
1-XXX-XXXX

———————-

Thank you K—– but I am really not interested in discussing this further. I think my email covered most of it. I wonder if the staff was trying far too hard to be “fun” instead of “professional,” as judged by the fact that C—–a the waitress insisted on giving me a high five during the ordering process and the host was far too busy getting involved in our conversation to bother to pick up a menu. Remember- he asked me to get them from the podium.

The food was the least of the problems. My friend wanted to change the sauce on a particular dish and the manager advised her on some options and gave her the choice to send it back if she didn’t like the dish with the alternate sauce. The manager was the only one to display any courtesy or real interest in customer service.

If one thing stands out from this whole experience, it is C—–a leaving a large, wet, empty tray on our table while she took another table’s order. Bear in mind, the restaurant was almost empty and there were two empty tables within arm’s length she could have put it on. That one incident shows her laziness and blatant disregard for us.

I doubt anything you could tell me would change my mind about returning; although I am interested to find out what (if any) repercussions there are for C—–a and the host.

 

———————-

Dear —–,

Your first email had been shared with the Regional Director and the General Manager of the restaurant. I have heard back from both. Concerned about your experience and the actions of their staff. Adding this additional information will add to how disappointed they are with their staff and how they performed.

The General Manager asked for your email address, name and phone number in the hope that she could personally apologize and assure you that proper steps are taken to improve the service that they give.

I do not like to provide this information without asking if it is OK with you.

I can assure you that appropriate action will be taken–from training to making sure there is an understanding of what is appropriate behavior and how to present themselves professionally.

Would you mind if I gave the General Manager your email address?

K—– B——
Senior Hospitality Representative
Mon-Fri 8:30-4:30 EST
1-XXX-XXXX

———————-

While I appreciate that they want to apologize and discuss the matter, I feel that the matter is closed. Thanks for your efforts but I’d prefer that you didn’t give out my email.

John Cleese got better service in the Dead Parrot sketch.