Tag Archives: Paulie

American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior Episode II: Attack of the Clowns

22 Aug

August 22, 2010

Due to what I laughingly call “popular demand,” I continue my episode rundowns of American Chopper: Senior Vs. Junior. This week: Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

(If anyone out there has an idea for a banner for this feature, or actually would like to make one, please email me. Otherwise we are stuck with this crappy one)

The episode  opened with what has become the least important part of the show over the years, the bikes. This week, the ADD crew, I mean OCC crew, are building a bike for Window World, an exciting company which designs and builds…. wait for it…. windows.

Have you noticed that the guys are building bikes for lower profile companies lately? This week it is a window company, and last week it was an internet company no one ever heard of. What happened to bikes for the NFL? OK, they made a bike for Lowe’s, but the unveiling was held in aisle six of their local store, next to the lug nuts, attended by several employees who happened to be on schedule that day and a guy looking for Allen keys.

I think next week they are building a bike for toast and tap water.

So after some shilling for Windows World (“Wow, $189,” Senior marveled.) Senior went back to doing what he does best- spying on his son. First he drove past Jr.’s new shop in his totally inconspicuous bright yellow sports car, then he scoured the internet looking for news about Paulie. At first all he found were WWII Bugs Bunny propaganda cartoons, but he eventually found an obscure little site called TMZ and found some dirt. Above a picture of Paulie a headline read “I will destroy my father!” What Senior really wanted was to overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy as father and son, but if Luke wanted it this way, so be it.

But the challenge “idear” was in his head, and, for some reason, he challenged his son to a cross-country race, which his smiling OCC sycophant assured him he would win. He bragged that he would beat Paulie in anything, and the show cut to commercial before Sr. could challenge Jr. to a goldfish swallowing contest.

What was Junior doing around this time? Not much. He and Vinnie were cleaning the empty shop, but they were spending most of their time mooning over Rick and wondering how they could get him away from OCC. They want “Free Rick” t-shirts, a “Free Rick” sit in, and even a “Free Rick” All-Star Celebrity Concert. They sure must love him.

"FREE RICK!"

Of course, this raises the question, how is Paulie paying anyone? Monopoly money? Why would Rick, who I am sure has a nice salary plus health care and other benefits, want to leave all that and work for Paulie’s IOU’s? Let me save you some fretting-  he won’t.

News spreads faster around the OCC shop than on an episode of Gossip Girl, and soon Sr. found out that his son was asking his vendors for free machines. And really, that isn’t a bad idea. They’ve had a good relationship with Paulie over the years, and they’ve done a lot of business together, and they’ll get exposure on American Chopper. However, there are a few drawbacks. Yes, they worked well with Jr., but Sr. signed the checks. Sure, they did a lot of business together, but that was (and still is) with OCC, not Paul Jr. Designs. (And by the way, isn’t that the worst logo you ever saw?) And lastly, they already get exposure on American Chopper, so Paulie really has nothing to offer. He even threw in one of Vinnie’s V-Force hats but no one was interested.

Around this time, in the funniest moments of the show, Paul Sr. stressed the importance of family and relationships. That’s why his business works so well. Family and relationships. Ha ha hahaha, hooo, I can’t even type that without laughing.

After the commercial break, a caption on-screen read “Fabrication Day 4” and I had no idea what it meant. It took me a couple of minutes, but then I remembered that this show was, at some time in the past, about building bikes.

Rick, ever loveable, handsome, and target of Paulie’s unrequited love, dared to point out to Sr. that, just maybe, if looked at from the right angle, the handle bars on the Window World bike made it, just possibly, a little bit impossible to ride.

“Shut the F### up! I thought you were minding your own business!” Senior responded in his best managerial growl. (“Family and relationships,” I remind you, Dear Readers, “Family and Relationships.”)

This continued a trend this season of OCC insulting their former bikes, which, you may recall, were designed by Paulie. “Remember the I Robot bike?” Senior snarled. “The handle bars were awful. You couldn’t ride it.” I’m sure the studio that shelled out thousands of dollars for it was thrilled to hear that.

Since there is never a dull moment around OCC, the window company sent over a jet- powered ATV so they could test the jet exhaust against some windows.  Why does Window World own a jet powered ATV? I have no clue, but I hear that Fiberama has a nuclear Skidoo.

Not to be outdone, Senior unveiled his own mustache-powered ATV.

Don’t you dare think for a second that Paul Jr. designs has not been a hive of activity. While OCC was busy building bikes and shooting rocket blasts at windows, Mikey brought over some piece of crap he finger-painted and the guys hung it from the ceiling. Memo to Mikey. Check your meds and keep your doctor appointments.

Continuing the “Family and Relationships” theme, some kids from Window World who lost their father came to OCC so they could add their handprints to the bike’s paint job. Showing what a wonderful father he must have been, Senior Hulked around behind them and intimidated the kids into sticking their hands in buckets of cold paint. What a role model.

The show ended with Paulie standing in the middle of his nearly empty shop, with no business in sight, wondering what he will do, while Senior test-drove his newest creation.

The following quote, I swear, I did not make up:

“The bikes keep getting better and better. It’s really stretched out so you have to lean on it, hurts the back a little bit.”

That is Senior in a nutshell. What is riding a bike without a little bit of back pain? And what is raising a son without a little bit of emotional torture?

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My Review of American Chopper: Senior Vs. Junior

13 Aug

August 13, 2010

The rebranded American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior premiered tonight and it began the way the last season ended, with two gorillas butting heads.

Remember the old American Tourister where commercial a gorilla tossed some suitcases around his cage to test their strength? Junior and Senior both tried to outdo the other with their uncanny impressions.

So the season began with the Battle of the lunkheads in full swing. Paulie, having failed at starting a company based on, well, pretty much nothing, decided that at least he knew something about motorcycles and bought a shop right next to the old OCC shop. I’m sure that it was just a pure coincidence, with a big push I’m sure from the TLC American Chopper producers.

How bad is Junior’s business sense? His first contract was to create a Bernie Madoff bike. And that was after Madoff was jailed!

Of course, there was still the hope of reconcilliation, hope in the lumpy shape of Mikey Teutul. Mikey went on a radio show to promote a charity, when the host called Paul jr. and suddenly, a “surprise” call- Senior was on the line!

Senior growled about contracts, Junior whined about Senior., they both called each other names, and suddenly the host decided that maybe Lovelines wasn’t the best place for this and hung up on all of them.

Senior claims he still loves his son. It is really hard to tell, as his form of “tough love” goes way beyond, almost to “evil love.” He wastes no time badmouthing his son to everyone in the shop, everyone at home, and all the people he sees in his fevered steroid induced dreams. Of course Junior is no better. In one strange exchange, Senior called Junior “a fish eating chump from Gilligan’s Island.” Junior retaliated by calling his father “a sad, sack-ass fruit booty.” Why did they steal lines from 1990’s WCW wrestler Stevie Ray? Your guess is a good as mine, but google that for a laugh.

Anyway, the battle lines were drawn. On Senior’s side are a bunch of guys who Senior hasn’t yet alienated, but just give it some time, including a guy called Jason who I’m pretty sure is just a shaved immature orangutan. He also has so many machines and computers to do the work that when SkyNet comes online, it’ll be from OCC.

On Junior’s side are a bunch of mismatched folding chairs and an empty barn.

But just when things looked bleak- that is, when it looked like Paulie would have to do some work, the Prodigal Vinnie returned. Vinnie was the guy who did all the work back at OCC. Eventually he got sick of all the crap that went along with working there, like having Senior’s dog slobber on the parts, and he quit to start his own shop. He must have done very well as he has risen all the way to the bottom of Paul Jr.’s pathetic startup.

All that was left for Paulie was a name, a name that symbolized his independance, that showed he was standing on his own two feet.

REJECTED NAMES FOR PAUL JUNIOR’S BUSINESS

  • American Chopper Junior
  • Not OCC
  • Paul Junior’s Kick Ass Bikes
  • Little OCC
  • I Hate My Dad

Around this time TLC remembered that this show is supposed to be about building bikes so Senior set out to build one for a company called Domani, a company that does, as Senior eloquently put it, “what they do.”

The OCC crew went back to their shop and, instead of inserting footage of the guys building a bike, TLC screwed up and inserted old A-Team footage of the guys converting a bulldozer into a tank.

The bike turned out pretty lousy. First, it was painted in neon colors and patterns that were last seen on R+B singers in 1984. Second, the wheel rims were covered in strange lines not unlike the Nazca lines of South America, with some sort of Mayan prophecy embedded in the pattern. Last, in order to ride it, you had to be hunched over the gas tank, looking like Quasimodo.

However, the bike’s best moment was at the premiere, when Senior got off and it nearly fell over.

But really, no one tunes in for the bikes anymore, and soon it was back to the battle. Senior, under the pretext of “test riding the bike,” rode past Junior’s new shop three or four times, eventually getting off and glowering at the shop. James Bond he ain’t.

Paulie, seeing his father, stood around and didn’t talk to him. In the show’s most surreal moment, one camera caught Senior talking to his camera crew while in the background Paulie was talking to his camera crew. It was like a sad divorced couple.

I just wonder which camera crew got the better end of the deal- covering Senior and his hair-trigger temper, or covering Paulie with his mind-numbing sloth?

The camera crews on Deadliest Catch have the real possibility of dying at sea. I’m sure the American Chopper camera crews envy them.

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