August 22, 2010
Due to what I laughingly call “popular demand,” I continue my episode rundowns of American Chopper: Senior Vs. Junior. This week: Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
(If anyone out there has an idea for a banner for this feature, or actually would like to make one, please email me. Otherwise we are stuck with this crappy one)
The episode opened with what has become the least important part of the show over the years, the bikes. This week, the ADD crew, I mean OCC crew, are building a bike for Window World, an exciting company which designs and builds…. wait for it…. windows.
Have you noticed that the guys are building bikes for lower profile companies lately? This week it is a window company, and last week it was an internet company no one ever heard of. What happened to bikes for the NFL? OK, they made a bike for Lowe’s, but the unveiling was held in aisle six of their local store, next to the lug nuts, attended by several employees who happened to be on schedule that day and a guy looking for Allen keys.
I think next week they are building a bike for toast and tap water.
So after some shilling for Windows World (“Wow, $189,” Senior marveled.) Senior went back to doing what he does best- spying on his son. First he drove past Jr.’s new shop in his totally inconspicuous bright yellow sports car, then he scoured the internet looking for news about Paulie. At first all he found were WWII Bugs Bunny propaganda cartoons, but he eventually found an obscure little site called TMZ and found some dirt. Above a picture of Paulie a headline read “I will destroy my father!” What Senior really wanted was to overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy as father and son, but if Luke wanted it this way, so be it.
But the challenge “idear” was in his head, and, for some reason, he challenged his son to a cross-country race, which his smiling OCC sycophant assured him he would win. He bragged that he would beat Paulie in anything, and the show cut to commercial before Sr. could challenge Jr. to a goldfish swallowing contest.
What was Junior doing around this time? Not much. He and Vinnie were cleaning the empty shop, but they were spending most of their time mooning over Rick and wondering how they could get him away from OCC. They want “Free Rick” t-shirts, a “Free Rick” sit in, and even a “Free Rick” All-Star Celebrity Concert. They sure must love him.
"FREE RICK!"
Of course, this raises the question, how is Paulie paying anyone? Monopoly money? Why would Rick, who I am sure has a nice salary plus health care and other benefits, want to leave all that and work for Paulie’s IOU’s? Let me save you some fretting- he won’t.
News spreads faster around the OCC shop than on an episode of Gossip Girl, and soon Sr. found out that his son was asking his vendors for free machines. And really, that isn’t a bad idea. They’ve had a good relationship with Paulie over the years, and they’ve done a lot of business together, and they’ll get exposure on American Chopper. However, there are a few drawbacks. Yes, they worked well with Jr., but Sr. signed the checks. Sure, they did a lot of business together, but that was (and still is) with OCC, not Paul Jr. Designs. (And by the way, isn’t that the worst logo you ever saw?) And lastly, they already get exposure on American Chopper, so Paulie really has nothing to offer. He even threw in one of Vinnie’s V-Force hats but no one was interested.
Around this time, in the funniest moments of the show, Paul Sr. stressed the importance of family and relationships. That’s why his business works so well. Family and relationships. Ha ha hahaha, hooo, I can’t even type that without laughing.
After the commercial break, a caption on-screen read “Fabrication Day 4” and I had no idea what it meant. It took me a couple of minutes, but then I remembered that this show was, at some time in the past, about building bikes.
Rick, ever loveable, handsome, and target of Paulie’s unrequited love, dared to point out to Sr. that, just maybe, if looked at from the right angle, the handle bars on the Window World bike made it, just possibly, a little bit impossible to ride.
“Shut the F### up! I thought you were minding your own business!” Senior responded in his best managerial growl. (“Family and relationships,” I remind you, Dear Readers, “Family and Relationships.”)
This continued a trend this season of OCC insulting their former bikes, which, you may recall, were designed by Paulie. “Remember the I Robot bike?” Senior snarled. “The handle bars were awful. You couldn’t ride it.” I’m sure the studio that shelled out thousands of dollars for it was thrilled to hear that.
Since there is never a dull moment around OCC, the window company sent over a jet- powered ATV so they could test the jet exhaust against some windows. Why does Window World own a jet powered ATV? I have no clue, but I hear that Fiberama has a nuclear Skidoo.
Not to be outdone, Senior unveiled his own mustache-powered ATV.
Don’t you dare think for a second that Paul Jr. designs has not been a hive of activity. While OCC was busy building bikes and shooting rocket blasts at windows, Mikey brought over some piece of crap he finger-painted and the guys hung it from the ceiling. Memo to Mikey. Check your meds and keep your doctor appointments.
Continuing the “Family and Relationships” theme, some kids from Window World who lost their father came to OCC so they could add their handprints to the bike’s paint job. Showing what a wonderful father he must have been, Senior Hulked around behind them and intimidated the kids into sticking their hands in buckets of cold paint. What a role model.
The show ended with Paulie standing in the middle of his nearly empty shop, with no business in sight, wondering what he will do, while Senior test-drove his newest creation.
The following quote, I swear, I did not make up:
“The bikes keep getting better and better. It’s really stretched out so you have to lean on it, hurts the back a little bit.”
That is Senior in a nutshell. What is riding a bike without a little bit of back pain? And what is raising a son without a little bit of emotional torture?
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