Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

Why Can’t Johnny Read? You Just Don’t Know What He’s Reading.

18 Nov

from January 29, 2009

I love Regents week. Really, I do. Reading the kids’ essays always gives me suggestions for my reading list. Oprah’s book club has nothing on these titles which I discovered are being taught in public schools.

Death of a Sale’s Man, by Mr. Miler. This appears to be the story of a man named Bif and his son, also named Bif. One of them, it seems, doesn’t like being The Sale’s Man, so his son kills him.

The Great Gadspar, by Scott F. Gerald. Gadspar is a wealthy man who likes to throw parties. He is having an affair with a woman who, coincidentally, is also having an affair with him. Neither of them is happy, despite having a big boat with a red light docked outside.

Rita Miller and the Sure Skank Redemption. This is a movie which was also turned into a Steven King book. A guy named Andy wants to make money in prison for the warden, who is planning to rip him off. He gets out of jail and then wants his money, which another convict stole from him. Andy goes to Mexico to get his money but the tough guys at the jail beat him up.

American Gangster. I will quote a student here: “I do not want to do this essay. I am going to write about the movie American Gangster instead. I hope you grade it anyway because I want a good grade and what is the difference between a book and a movie anyway?”

Good point. As the next book demonstrates, there is a very thin and blurry line between a book and a movie.

Holes, by Walt Disney. This book stars Shia LeBouf before he was in Transformers. In this book, he gets sent to Alaska to dig for buried treasure. His best friend is Stanley Yelson.

I can also recommend these classic titles by William Shakespeare, but be warned, he sometimes spells his name “Shakers,” “Shksper,” and, this is true, it was written in an essay booklet, “William Shatnersperson.”

Romeo Loves Juliet
Mac Beth
The Trajidy of Hamlet, King of England
McBeth
A View from the Bridge
King Mac Beth
A Midnight’s Summer Dream
Lady Macbeth

So get to your local library, fellow fan of literature. These books are guaranteed to amaze you.

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Overheard and PONED!

18 Nov

from January 22, 2009

Overheard in the laundromat, a conversation between a man and a woman, obviously in a new relationship:

MAN: I have a system for washing clothes.
WOMAN: Really? I never had a system.
MAN: I do the laundry the same time every week. I figure out the clothes I’m going to wear for the week, like at work, I wear my grey outfit on Wednesdays and Friday is casual so I can wear my blue jeans.
WOMAN: Wow.
MAN: This way, I can also have enough t-shirts to last the week, I need seven. I know how many t-shirts and when I need my hoodie. I’m organized. I wash all my clothes for the week.
WOMAN: OK, I get it. You wear the same clothes at work so you wash the same clothes every week.
MAN: Yeah (ha ha) like you can tell how my week went by my laundry.
WOMAN: So how come you’re only washing like two pairs of underwear?

YOU’VE BEEN PONED!

Overheard at 18th Avenue Waldbaum’s:

OLDER MAN: Do they have any Pepsi?
OLDER WOMAN: Right there.
OLDER MAN: No, that’s diet. They changed the label.
OLDER WOMAN: Is that it?
OLDER MAN: It looks like caffeine free.
OLDER WOMAN: What is this? “Pepsi Max”?
OLDER MAN: I think that’s diet too.
OLDER WOMAN: Why did they change the labels?
OLDER MAN: Fuck this, there’s the Coke.

PEPSI’S BEEN PONED!

Overheard at Staples:

CASHIER: I don’t think we have Kodak ink.
CUSTOMER: It’s right behind you. Turn around.
CASHIER: I’m busy.
CUSTOMER: But you’re helping me!

ONE OF THEM (I’M NOT SURE WHO) GOT PONED!

And lastly, a laundromat tale.

I sometimes see Jolanta Rohloff there. We have an unspoken agreement. We both agree to pretend we neither see nor even know each other. It works pretty well, except when I catch her staring at my underwear in the dryer. Anyway, this week I had no idea she was there. I guess she didn’t know I was there. I turned a corner around a big washer as she came around the other way. I’ve got a pretty good poker face but I was startled and you could see the shock in my face. I was like six inches from her. She was so startled that she dropped her cell phone (into which she was babbling in either illiterate Polish or baby talk) and spun away from me. I turned back, she moved away, and we both then commenced the invisible game.

It was fun.

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