Tag Archives: England

“You get a lot of whack jobs at conferences like this.”

7 Mar

March 7, 2011

The field of UFOlogy is too broad for its own good. While there is much that is unexplained, and many people who are sane and rational with usual claims, there is a fringe element that sets them three steps back for every single step taken forward. For every Stanton Freidman there are three guys with tinfoil hats to block beams shot at them by Zord, Emperor of Zeta Reticuli.

The following is an article from The Sun, a newspaper in England. I reprint it in its entirety.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/ufos/3441009/I-came-from-a-government-experiment.html

AN EXPECTANT hush descends over the audience in the darkened room as the woman up front begins to twitch.

As she curls her toes inside her worn grey socks, Cathy Star Eagle’s head falls forward and she talks in a low, monotone voice: “Greetings to all who have gathered seeking knowledge and universal truth.”

We’re clearly not at a conference for insurance salesmen.

The bizarre event is an extraterrestrial channelling session at the world’s largest UFO conference, in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Each year thousands of flying saucer fans from the UK and all over the world descend on the five-day event – which this year celebrates its 20th anniversary – to hear from a range of wackos. Sorry, speakers.

The Sun has bagged a spot at Cathy’s much-anticipated sideshow – despite a ban on the Press – where she claims to pass on messages from The Ambassador telepathically

Not surprisingly The Ambassador turns out to be an alien, otherwise known as Loran, from the planet M42 in the Orion star system. But to sceptics, Cathy’s description of her ET pal doesn’t really help her case.

She says: “Loran is about 4ft tall, copper in colour, with an Asian appearance. He has a little bit of hair, but not a lot.

“Be careful what you ask because he doesn’t hold back – although he’s always respectful and discreet.”

Cathy, a somewhat overweight woman from nearby Tucson, is now in a trance-like state as she answers one question each from those present.

But rather than seize the chance to ask a real-life alien about intergalactic space travel, the audience are more interested in the mundane, quizzing agony uncle Loran on their house moves, career worries or relationship troubles.

One elderly man asks about his granddaughter, who is battling cancer.

Slowly Cathy, alias Loran, replies: “We do feel this situation is more positive than first thought. The malignancy is not as advanced as feared. Nutrition will be key to overcoming the disease.”

Then she blinks back into consciousness with all the theatrics of a pantomime actor.

Ironically, after telling the man his granddaughter needs a better diet, we spot her later in the restaurant with an equally overweight friend tucking into mammoth-sized hamburgers and fries.

Meanwhile, the conference’s vendor room is abuzz with activity as self-professed UFO experts flog all manner of merchandise. One book catches my attention – We Are Among You Already – and I approach the table for a look.

Author Jujuolui Kuita, 40, starts to chat and when I ask where she’s from, she says cryptically: “From where here on Earth?”

She is in fact from Concord, California, although she insists she is a hybrid, with part-human, part-alien DNA.

She says: “My planet is Faqui in the Andromeda galaxy. Since birth I’ve known I was from another place. I felt isolated and different, that this wasn’t my home.

“I am half reptilian and can shape-shift into another species called Fajan.” I can’t wait to see this.

“It’s scary when it happens in public.”

I really can’t wait.

“Although other people don’t necessarily notice because it happens at a higher frequency than they can see.”

Just my luck.

Elsewhere in the vendor room Cynthia Crawford is doing a roaring trade in scary-looking alien sculptures.

The 61-year-old claims her £115 creations promote contact with extra-terrestrials.

Then Cynthia, of Apache Junction, Arizona, starkly states: “I came from a government experiment. My father told me about it. He had operated with the government in Korea and experimented with alien devices found in their crashed ships.

“My mom was drugged as part of a programme and impregnated with me. For that reason my DNA is only 34 per cent human and I’ve got very porous bones, which are typical of my alien family. There are many races – Zuma Zeta, Tall White Zeta and Blue Archturian. I love them all. I channel their energies into my sculptures.”

Further along the hall Stan Romanek, one of the conference’s main speakers and a famous “alien abductee”, is selling his book, Messages.

The 48-year-old Colorado IT worker was a UFO sceptic until 2000 – when he says he saw his first flying saucer. Since then he claims to have been abducted several times and maintains his story is the most scientifically documented case ever.

Last year his footage of an alien apparently peering in the window of his home caused a media storm. It can be viewed on YouTube.

At the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, he says: “You get a lot of whack jobs at conferences like this.”

I like him already.

But he insists: “I’m just a regular guy who came into this community with no clue about UFOs. My first abduction occurred in 2001 when there was a knock on my door at 2am. There were three odd-looking creatures with abnormally large, almond-shaped eyes. They started leading me to the balcony and I felt a tap on the back of my head. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in bed with holes all over my back.”

Perhaps the most intriguing thing about his case is a series of equations he produced under hypnosis.

He says: “I’m not from a maths background and I’m dyslexic, so the symbols look like gibberish to me. One of the equations ended up being the structure of an element we didn’t even have at the time, element 115.

“Dr Claude Swanson, a physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has confirmed my equations are way above my level of comprehension.

“In fact, he believes they contain clues about the direction that physics is going to take and are beyond current theories in the field.”

 By DAVID LOWE
 d.lowe@the-sun.co.uk

Thanksgiving, the Forgotten Holiday

6 Nov

November 6, 2010

Halloween is over and Thanksgiving is almost here, although you may be more familiar with it by its more common name- Christmas.

Thanksgiving is a forgotten holiday. Oh, it isn’t forgotten in the sense that you wake up on Friday morning, wonder why you have the day off, and hey, shouldn’t there be leftover turkey in the fridge? Trust me- if you get two days off out of your work week you don’t forget Thanksgiving. The thing is that it has been forgotten by the stores. They skipped Thanksgiving, blew past Halloween like poor Charlie Brown and his holey ghost costume weren’t even there, and started Christmas sales right after Jerry Lewis heaved himself home to a big dinner of gravy and pork fat right after his Labor Day begathon. It was quite a sight on September 2nd, seeing a  whole host of fat, sweaty guys in red fur suits dying in the late summer heat. Macy’s had to call in the paramedics the first time a kid sat on Santa’s lap and slipped off due to all the sweat.

Thanksgiving is the forgotten holiday, but what is being forgotten? Bear with me, I am a product of the New York City educational system.

Four score and seven years ago (the score was 3-2 Red Sox) the Pilgrims arrived in America after being booted out of England. They were an odd group of people. They wore black clothes with buckles on their shoes and pointy hats. Sorry, I think those are the Puritans. Those are the guys on the butter tubs, right? Oh, those are the Quakers. So who is on the oatmeal can? Amish? They don’t believe in mirrors, so how did Robert Alden shave?

Anyway, the Pilgrims had some problems with King George. All the Pilgrims wanted to do was worship as they saw fit. King George said “We’ll have no goat marriage in my country!” and threw their goat-loving asses out of his kingdom. You see, America was founded by people who only wanted to worship as they saw fit, and they saw goat marriage as fit. Way to start, USA.

For his part, King George was the Ike Turner of his time. Aside from being a side man in a blues quartet, He smacked around the Pilgrims like Ike smacked Tina and did it all out of love. “Take that Pilgrims!” SMACK! Tea Tax. “Take that Pilgrims!” SMACK! Stamp Act. “I’m only doing it because I love you, colonial baby!” It wasn’t until Tina, I mean the Pilgrims, stood up to him did he turn into a quivering mass of abusive jelly. All the time the Pilgrims were sailing to America he kept sending them love letters and promising to change.

Anyway, the Pilgrims came to America, accompanied by a kick-ass theme song by Neil Diamond, (“They’re coooooming to America, today!”)  on three Cunard Line cruise ships- The Nina, The Pinta, and The Titanic. All but The Titanic made it to America. The Pilgrims were believed to have landed on Plymouth Rock, but new scientific evidence suggests that they actually ran aground on a rusted out ‘58 Chevy.

They were appalled by the lack of working toilets. The local Indians had put “out of order” signs on all the restrooms just out of spite. To get revenge on them, a young George Steinbrenner traded Ron Hassey to the Indians for a player to be named later.

And thus was the first Thanksgiving set up. The Pilgrims first played four college football games against the Indians, and the Pilgrims won all but one, the Detroit game.

To celebrate their victory, they invited the Indians over for a big dinner. This meal included “maize,” which the Indians claim means corn but is actually Ute Indian for “look at how stupid white man eats this horse dung.” They also had roast beef, carrots, imported caviar, something the nearby Dutch settlers called “blunts” and lots and lots of sirloin steak. The myth that they ate turkey was invented by the Turkey Industry Ad Council in 1958, when a young ad executive needed a way to boost slumping turkey sales.

Today Thanksgiving is little more than a bump in the road to Christmas, which, according to my calendar, starts on February 21st next year. 

Disgruntled turkeys have tough meat. Use extra gravy.