Tag Archives: crime

January News Roundup

20 Jan

January 20, 2011

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STUPID NEWS PLAGUES COUNTRY

Mr. Blog to Mock Headlines Nationwide

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WORLD NEWS

Mr. BTR would like to announce that he has been granted funding by Arts Council of England for his performance of “Man who stays home a lot and sleeps late.” This in no way will interfere with his other performances of “Man without a job,” “Man who blogs,” and “Man who laughs all the way to the bank.”

The next in the series of Avex videos is “Buy me a drink,” followed by “Your place or mine,” “I have something to tell you,” and “Doctor’s report.” 

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LOCAL NEWS
   

On the one hand we have a woman robbed while on the toilet by a clown, and on the other hand a woman who broke into a house half naked and high. On the whole. which victim would you rather be?

 

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RELIGION

Wouldn’t that church logo make a good t-shirt?

Some fine young parishioners on their way to worship.

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SPORTS

I’m sure there are plenty of jokes I could make here, plenty of snotty remarks, a lot of nasty remarks, but I shall refrain. I am a Mets fan. I am in my own kind of sports Hell.

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Bird Brains in the News

14 Jan

January 14, 2011

I’d like to know if they put the parrot on the witness stand. Poor bird, they can’t even offer Polly a cracker for fear that the defense would consider the testimony coerced. But you see, it’s true that life is sometimes just one bad joke after another. Like this one:

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can’t find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. “Look, comrade, I’m sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don’t handle missing animal reports.” “Oh, I know that”, says the guy. “I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot… I don’t know where he could have picked up all his political ideas.”

Forget the expression “bird brain,” let’s see you lure a date back to your house of dung. If you decorated your house with “garlands of feces glistening with dew” you’d be in, pardon the pun, deep shit. But if you were a bird you’d be sleeping with the prom queen.

You’ve got to hand it to the birds, though. They take dung, use it to find a mate, and make a home out of it. What do we do? We make this:

Now who’s the bird brain?

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