May 12, 2011
Crap. I gotta write? Jeez, Mr. Know-It-All doesn’t write when you tell him to write, he writes when he’s sober enough, which ain’t too often. But I need the money so I’ll try to clear the fog in my brain and ignore the dull thudding ache in my balls long enough to come up with some shit.
And speaking of shit, here’s Dear Abby, who for the first time in her miserable life gets one right.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, “James,” constantly tells me he loves me, but I don’t think I love him. I’m sure most women would love having a man tell them he loves them all the time, but it drives me up a wall. If I walk into a room, James says he loves me. If I leave the room, he says it again. The words have lost their meaning for me, but if I don’t respond in kind, James thinks I’m mad at him. I am emotionally exhausted from having to constantly reassure him. If I try to discuss anything serious, he cries, and that just turns my stomach. I’m not an uncaring, unfeeling person. I’m very emotional, but when a man cries it makes me uncomfortable.
Please don’t suggest counseling. James is a pastor who would want to go to a Christian counselor. That makes me uneasy because he knows all the ones around here. We don’t have much money and no insurance. If I ask for a divorce, it will end his career.
Divorce is not an option for many people, but I don’t want to wake up one morning and realize I have lived my entire life putting myself second. Abby, when is it OK to say this isn’t working? — MISERABLE IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MISERABLE: Say it now, while there may still be a chance to save your marriage. It is crucial that you find the money you need for nondenominational couples therapy with a licensed professional. Your husband needs to overcome insecurities that may stem from the fact that he feels you becoming increasingly distant, or that may have originated in his youth. And you need to control the impulse to shut down when your husband expresses emotions that make you uncomfortable.
HAH! Finally the old broad gets it! It is the wife’s fault! It is ALWAYS the wife’s fault! Damn pain-in-the-ass-never-cooks-a-decent-meal-always-hides-her-cash-never-willing-to-do-it-in-front-of-the-dog-never-shuts-up-keeps-fighting-with-the-pimp-can’t-stop-trying-to-get-me-to-stop-drinking-shooting-up-autoerotic-masturbating-or-I’ll-kill-myself-wife! Leave me alone bitch! If I wanted someone always on my back I’d have stayed in Cleveland with that tranny who sold me the bad pills. Damn straight I’m not paying for that! What did you put in those things, TNT? I was lying in that puddle for ten hours! Got freakin’ frostbite in my balls, it was so cold, you want me to pay you for that? And what about the crabs you gave me? Shit, maybe I only got one working kidney but I still know what the price of black tar is in Vietnam.
——————————————————————————————
DEAR ABBY: I am an over-50 “cougar” who has a boyfriend who’s not happy with my looks. He loves all the other aspects of our relationship, but he wants me thinner and prettier. I’ll never look 30 again. What do you think I should do? — BARB IN RENO
Barbarino, I think the problem here is that America doesn’t have a consistent, comprehensive cougar policy. Cougars are usually from about 28-40, 45 max. 50 is pushing it, and when a woman says she’s “over-50” she really means about 68. Give up. You’re not a cougar, you’re some sort of mangy prairie dog.
What I think you should do is shut up and leave me alone.
——————————————————————————————
DEAR ABBY: I’m a married woman with single and married male friends. I go out for lunches and dinners with all of them. Some live out of state and we email often. I also have outings with female pals, some of whom are lesbians. “Illinois” needs to figure out why he doesn’t trust his wife and his good friend. My husband socializes without me as well. He even goes to lunch sometimes with an old girlfriend. Either you trust your partner or you don’t. — SECURE AND HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA
WHOA WHOA WHOA! Married woman going out with her lesbian friends? Yeah, I’ve seen movies like that. You know why your husband trusts you? He doesn’t. He just says he does so you will trust him. Going out to lunch with an old girlfriend? He’s banging the shit out of her, you idiot.
Mr. Know-It-All would like to join your next “lunch.” I’ve got lube, a camcorder, and a penis pump. I know how to please a lesbian. They don’t call me Fish Fingers for nothing.
———————————————————————————————-
DEAR ABBY: I had an affair a few years ago that lasted a lot longer than it should have. It ended when my lover, “John,” died unexpectedly. The kicker is I was — and still am — married. For the last two years I had wanted to end the relationship, but I couldn’t find the courage to do it on my own. My question is, should I feel guilty for feeling glad that John is dead? I’m glad the affair is finally over, but I feel guilty that death is what ended it and that I didn’t have the courage to end it myself. — CONFLICTED IN SANTA ROSA
What the fuck? Let me read that again.
You were married. You had an affair. You wanted to end the affair but didn’t. The guy died. You are happy but also guilty for feeling happy. Jeez, this is Doctor Phil shit. Unless you’re the one that killed the guy forget it. You are already going to Hell so who gives a crap how you feel? You’re going to burn for eternity anyway. End of conflict.
That’s it, Mr. Know-It-All has reached the end. Not the end of the column, the end of his bottle of gin and antifreeze. I can’t get through a single word of this column without it. I drink enough and I go blind for a couple of hours, pass out, and have no short term memory of writing any of this. OK, things are getting dim, I’m going to crawl under my desk and die.
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
Your Comments