Tag Archives: Antonio Cromartie

My Review of Dancing With The *ahem* “Stars”

10 Mar

March 10, 2010

Well, it is time for a new season of Dancing With The Stars and you know what that means!You don’t? Neither do I. But it must mean something to someone as that show has been on a long time. (Why couldn’t Alf be on that long? I’ve always been worried that he never made it back home to Melmac.)

Anyway, the show is nothing if not packed with stars, I type with a straight face, so here we go, with a rundown of this season’s glamorous glitterati:

Buzz Aldrin.
Yes, the astronaut. He walked on the moon, but at age 80 the odds are good he won’t be able to walk around the ballroom without breaking a hip. That said, the man is still remarkably agile, as these before and after pictures show:


Shannon Doherty.
Remember her from Beverly Hills 90210? I sort-of do. I never watched that show but I understand it was on FOX back before 24 started. Personally, I liked her a lot better on Charmed. What has she done since? (Besides some nice shots for Playboy?) Here are some selctions from her imdb entry:

Satan’s School for Girls (2000)
Hell on Heels: The Battle of Mary Kay (2002)
The Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon (2008)
Encounter With Danger (2009)

Let’s hope she wins. She can use a decent job.

Pamela Anderson, “the world’s sexiest woman.”
Here’s how she looks today, without ten pounds of makeup and three airbrush artists:

Chad Ochocinco.
This show loves NFL stars, and they usually do well. It is always a surprise. After all, most people think of the average football player as having about as much grace as your boiler, and about the same IQ. Make up your own mind about Mr. Eighty-five. Originally named Chad Johnson, Ochocinco wanted everyone to use his number instead of his name. Know how people say “we’re number one?” He said “I’m eighty-five.” He went so far as to change his name to 85 in Spanish just to get it on his jersey. I understand Antonio Cromartie is considering changing his name to Antonio Ochocinco to honor all of his children.

Kate Gosselin.
This woman has eight kids. Eight kids! Where is she going to find the time to take care of her kids and also do all the dancing and practicing for this show?

Does that look like a woman who has time to dance? Kate Gosselin starred in a “reality” show called John and Kate Plus Eight. Kate spent her time on the show telling us what a great mom she is. Now she gets to prove it by spending lots and lots of time away from her family as she tapes this show. Eventually, John (or is it Jon? I don’t care enough to check.) got fed up with having to deal with, I suspect, Kate, and took off for Bimini with a prostitute, which brings us to our next contestant…

Nicole Scherzinger.
Nicole is a member of something called “The Pussycat Dolls.” As far as I can figure, The Pussycat Dolls are a group of high-class escorts-turned mediocre pop stars.

Which one is Nicole? I don’t care but whichever one she is, I’m rooting for her.

Aiden Turner.
Jake Pavelka.
Two good looking TV guys. One is The Bachelor. The other is a soap star. I hate them both.

Erin Andrews.
Erin is a broadcaster for ESPN. She is most famous for the video someone shot of her through a hotel peephole. It showed her walking around her room naked. It became an internet hit, and Erin sued the guy who shot it, decrying the objectification of women, arguing that women are more than just sex objects, and how basing someone’s value on looks is ridiculous.

She will now star in a show where she will wear skimpy outfits that show off her legs and breasts. Nice going Erin.

She’s a hypocrite. Not that I’m complaining…

Niecy Nash.
Absolutely hysterical on Reno 911. A loud shrill harpy on The Insider.

Evan Lysacek.
This guy did something-or-other in the Olympics. Unless he was a hockey player I wouldn’t know him. Maybe he was a skeet shooter. Could be he was a figure skater or one of those luge guys. I dunno. Was a curler? Is that it? A curler?

I can’t wait for this show to start so I can have some extra time away from my TV set to get some reading done.

Why Do All These Kids Look Like Antonio Cromartie?

8 Mar

March 8, 2010

If you live in NYC, this was the lead story on the back page of the Post, slightly edited:

The Jets fronted Antonio Cromartie $500,000 of his 2010 salary to help him clean up his lingering paternity issues, a person close to Cromartie told The Post last night.

[A] person close to Cromartie praised the Jets for their help.

“This is his unfortunate burden and he’s taking care of it,” the person said, referring to Cromartie’s child-support issues. “He’s got some time constraints on payments and [the Jets] did help him out with that. They’ve certainly helped with everything and that’s going to make life easier for him.”

The day after the Jets traded for Cromartie, Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum talked about being supportive of their new cornerback, who has the significant burden of supporting seven children by six different mothers in five different states.

“I have seven kids in five different states,” Cromartie said. “I made some wrong decisions my first two years in the NFL, and now I have to take that responsibility to be a father.

“I need to deal with my kids and child-support issues,” he added. “Those things are being taken care of. I’m going to be the best father to them that I can.”

I have a lot of self-righteous indignation about now, so forgive me if I climb into my pulpit and take a moral high ground. Am I better than Antonio Cromartie? Are we all better than Antonio Cromartie? Unless you have eight kids by seven women, damn straight we are.

“This is his unfortunate burden”

Really? If your sister dies in a car accident and you have to step in and raise her four young kids, that may be, at the least, an “unfortunate burden.” (Of course, you’d do it out of love, so “burden” may be harsh.)

If you heroically rushed into a burning building to save an old man in a wheelchair, but lost part of your face in the fire, that could, understatedly, be an “unfortunate burden.”

Now Listen. I’m going to say this only once.


Loathe as I am to curse, I’ll carefully say Antonio Cromartie, keep your f@(%ing mouth shut and your c@(% in your pants. How do you think you got into this? Wet dreams? Grow up and be a man. Getting women pregnant doesn’t make you a man, it just proves you are a boy.

“They’ve certainly helped with everything and that’s going to make life easier for him.”

Who wants to make life easier for him? Maybe his life is too easy if he behaves like this. Maybe he needs to know what a hard life really is. I’m sure his kids will, all seven (at least) of them.

I’m going to be the best father to them that I can.”

Too late.

And don’t think I’m letting the women off the hook, or the Jets. The women knew what they were getting into and the Jets are enablers.

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