Tag Archives: ads

Baking Today! With Mr. Allan Keyes

6 May

May 6, 2013

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Keying off something Mr. B noted about our field trip to Chiller Theater ’13 – the observation that has-been Gooch puncher Todd Bridges eats TastyKakes Coconut Juniors. The fact of the matter is that it’s not so much coconut (blegh) that Toddy boy is eating which bothers me, but the fact that it’s TastyKakes, which is unarguably the worst of the major baked goods food groups.

The Cadillac of the baked snack foods is (was?) undeniably Hostess:

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Look at this list – everything is delicious! The mini-muffins I can scarf down bags at a time. Twinkies are THE quintessential American snack cake, HoHos are misogynistic,  and anyone who doesn’t love LOVE LUV those fruit pies is a communist. There, I said it. A dirty commie.  Besides, those fruit pies are magic:

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You gonna argue with the Cap’n? I think not! (You can see a whole lot more of those classic Hostess ads by clicking right here!)

Drakes:

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Yes, Drakes arguably has a lineup of more iconic brands than Hostess – that overrated coffee cake was featured on Seinfeld, and Yankee Doodles (and their fey cousins the Sunny Doodles) are part of our growing up,  but it’s all variations on a theme. Where’s the variety! And I’ll put it out there – Funny Bones suck. Tastes like crap covered in thin, flaky chocolate.  And the biggest beef I have with Drakes-  they never got the cake/cream ratio correct. You’d eat a Yankee Doodle or a Devil Dog and you’d come away with awful mouthfuls of dry cake that stuck to the roof of your mouth and no amount of milk could wash it away because it caked like vaguely chocolate cement to your palate. The only way to eat a Devil Dog without choking on it is to turn it on the side so you can get at the cream from the top and get some in each bite – but the ends where the cream ran out was rough going. Eff that, I pay for a snack I want the whole damn thing. And come on, Yodels and Ring Dings are the same effing cake, just different shapes!! What a lack of creativity!!

Little Debbie:

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Ever go to Chinatown and see the dudes selling piles of knockoff Gucci and Louis Vuitton bags on the streetcorners? Or the dude offering a great deal on a “Rolex”? Well, that’s what Little Debbie is. Yeah the stuff is cheap, yeah the stuff is kinda tasty, amazing variety but you’re getting a lower quality product and you know it. The cream in the middle of Little Debbie cakes is tasty, but thin. It doesn’t have the density of Hostess or Drakes, they have the thick cream (man I hope NAMBLA doesn’t read this blog, it sounds so wrong)  Little Debbie is what I’d put out for visiting acquaintances, Hostess is what I’d put out for vising friends. Plus the picture of Debbie is kind of creepy. She has those lifeless eyes, dead eyes like a dolls eyes. *Shudder*

TastyKakes:

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First of all, they’re so bootleg they use a K for cake. Kind of like Cheeze instead of Cheese.  Pure BOOTLEG SHYSTINESS.  And I can’t even see one of these awful looking boxes without making an immediate Jerky Boys connection:

 

Any snack food that makes you think of Pine Cones up the ass cannot be good under any circumstances. So I guess it is appropriate for Todd Bridges after all. Whatchoo Talking About Alan??

Gary-Coleman

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TV is Sick and Twisted and Full of Murderers

25 Feb

February 25, 2013

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Am I the only one who notices how disturbing some innocuous commercials really are?  Kids- children – the future of this nation – are being encouraged to commit all sorts of violent and depraved crimes by cute animated characters! And you thought G.I. Joe was violent! (Or if you thought I was a hack, you win!!!) Anyway, check this one out:

So a LIVING, SENTIENT Pop-Tart doing his best impression of Fonzie jumping the garbage cans at Arnolds, accidentally falls into the toaster and DIES. And it’s all yummy yummy fun. Subtext: THE POP TART DIED! HOORAY!!   I mean jeeze, imagine if Fearless Fonzarelli’s stunt ended with him falling into a toaster instead of a fried chicken stand (and then Pinky Tuscadero turned it on)

If fact, if you watch these Pop-Tart commercials, you’ll see a theme-  that they all basically end with nice, loveable living pastries who think and dream and feel either falling into, or getting tricked into the toaster, to their deaths. I mean look at this one:

This is flat out murder for god’s sake!

It’s not limited to mediocre breakfast treats either. Check this out:

The M&M doesn’t want to be eaten for goodness sake! And I’m sorry, but look at the last couple of scenes: She’s trying to shove the loveable M&M into an oven against his will. And then it’s a group of women eating him alive. This one gave me nightmares, NO JOKE.

This one is slightly better, as the murder/eating alive aspect is subtle and played for laughs (ha. ha.) And these pretzel M&Ms present a whole ethical dilemma unto themselves. The pretzel and the M&M are presumably living beings, (and of similar sizes) yet they are happily expected to have one crawl up inside the other one (where exactly? M&Ms aren’t usually depicted with a chocolate chute if you know what I mean) to be eaten. Who’s the demented candy Frankenstein (or maybe a confectionary Mengele) making this happen? It’s like demanding the ingredients of the turducken (if you don’t know consider yourself lucky) assemble themselves so fatsos like John Madden can eat them alive.

Now I like this one. This one is interesting. There’s nobody trying to eat/kill them, no message of “Hey kids! Eat me alive and suck out my blood with your breakfast milk!” but the silly frosted mini wheats think absolutely nothing of cavorting in front of boxes and boxes filled with what I presume to be mini wheat corpses. The new slogan for this product: “It’s a mini-wheat holocaust! Now with berries!”

Gary Larson was a prophet. Check out this classic far side cartoon and see what I mean….genius. Pure genius.

cows

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