My Daring Social Experiment / MySpace Is Full Of Creeps

13 Nov

from November 13, 2007

For two days (and nights, naturally) I left my MySpace page open for all. A couple of friends of friends had wanted to read my stuff and they couldn’t because I keep my page open to my friends only. (Awkwardly constructed run-on-ish sentence there, but I’ll leave it. Nyah.) So I announced, with great lack of fanfare, that I would open the page to all for a couple of days. Anyone who wanted to read could, and anyone who wanted to send a friend request could too.  This was really hard for me because I know how my stuff reads and anyone who doesn’t know me will get the wrong impression of me. Worse still, they may get the right impression of me. (And yet Jennifer still talks to me. Go figure.)

I looked at is as sort of an experiment. “Let’s see what happens,” I said to myself.

“Yes, let’s do it,” I responded.

“Am I really talking to myself?” I asked.

“Yes I am,” I replied

“That’s weird.”

“What’s even weirder is that I’m typing it.”

I’ll stop now. I’m beginning to worry.

So what happened? Well, and this is the important part, nobody read my blog. Not a single view, other than the people whom I already know read my blog. But my profile? A few dozen views in two days. And my mail? Full of shit. Here are a few samples:

INBOX MESSAGE 1

FROM: BETH from UPSTATE NY, 28

MESSAGE: I like your profile.

That’s it, followed by a friend request. Well, since I am tolerant and so damn nice, I went to her profile but it was set to private. Still being stupidly sweet, I checked my friends to see if any of them knew her. Nope. So this was just a stranger who saw my face, which was hidden by a camera in that pic, and clicked on my profile. She (I assume it was a she, the picture was kind of fugly) saw my profile of all the comments she could have made about all the bullshit I put there, she took the time to write “I like your profile” and hoped I would be her friend. Now a different me, one who was not nearly so enlightened, would have replied with a curse filled screed about her mother, but not the compassionate me. I replied “Sorry, no thanks (scud)” and blocked her before I deleted her request.

If you want to be my friend on MySpace- and who wouldn’t? – at least let me see your profile.

INBOX MESSAGE 2

FROM: JSA

Wow! This was it! I had long been waiting for this, and now here was my shot- a chance to join the JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA! I had long read about the adventures of Green Lantern, Wildcat, The Flash, Dr. Fate, and Hawkman, and now I was going to join their ranks! I have never been so excited!!!!!!!! See how excited I was? I used eight exclamation points! My costume has been ready for years- Captain Amazing Man was about to debut!

Boy, was I wrong. JSA stood for Jewish Singles Association. Bummer. According to JSA, they had better boards than JDate and were cheaper too. WHO CARES? I thought I was going to be a superhero! I am not going to go on any site that impersonates a super hero team. (And the Teen Titans? I am staying far away from that jailbait.)

INBOX MESSAGE 3

FROM: PROFILE DELETED

This was very popular. I got a lot of mail from this person. Who would make a profile with just a gray outline as a picture? And the “X” over it? Hardly original. Anyway, this person seemed to really want to be my friend. He sent me over 38 messages.

INBOX MESSAGE 4

FROM: HoT CHocoLAte 4 U

This was another scam. Sure, I like a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter morning. But this was not a beverage site. Nor was it a hot drink fan. All I’ll say is “not interested.”

INBOX MESSAGE 5

FROM: PAULA FROM NEW PALTZ

MESSAGE: Want to be bigger?

By now I had an idea of what was going on. I was slowly realizing that MySpace is full of weirdoes and pervs.

INBOX MESSAGE 6

FROM: RICK

Rick had seen my pic on the message I left on The Onion’s page. So I guess he figured that we would have some things in common.

Here are some of Rick’s interests: Fairy Tales, Full Metal Alchemist, tattoos, his girlfriend, Pimpin’ Out Brittney, and G-Unit.

Here are some of my interests: Not any of his.

Rick scared me a little. His pics were of him and some people who looked like Hell’s Angels but with less street cred. But what scared me the most is that his first interest, before of all of the socially maladjusted stuff, was Fairy Tales. I would love to see the reports from his parole officers.

INBOX MESSAGE 7

FROM: MARIAH

Mariah wanted me to see her pics. How friendly! But I had to pay for them. Boo! Turns out she doesn’t really want to be my friend either, she just wants to make some money by selling me some naked pics. Would you believe it? Is there no truth left in this world?

So my social experiment proved a couple of things.

1- I don’t want to have 1086 friends if they are anything like those feebs and dweebs.

2- MySpace is a good place if you want porn, drugs, or to troll for kids. No wonder it is so popular.

3- Liz’s new pic makes her look bustier. (Sorry to embarrass you Liz, but I call it like I see it.)

4- MySpace is full of strange people, so I fit right in.

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From My Notebook

13 Nov

from November 10, 2007

Ya know I’ve got this notepad. I carry it around in my pocket and I write stuff in it. Like I wrote some notes about the yearbook website and I also drew the first sketch of the cover in it. I’ve also got a phone number written down but I didn’t put a name so I have no idea who or what it is. I’ve got a couple of lists of songs to download on iTunes and some other stuff.

But the thing the notepad gets used most for is stuff that really strikes me as funny for the blog (yeah, like there’s been anything funny in my blogs) and a lot of it is out of context. So for every detailed page of notes on Mr. Orcini the gym teacher, there are a dozen scrawled lines like ” I was the straightest guy in that bathroom” that have no context whatsoever and I have no clue what they were about. (Man, what bathroom was that anyway?)

So here are some Out Of Context Classics. Sit back and enjoy!

(Or log off and check out something on Youtube. Your call.)

– “The worst poker game since Tommy shot Spider!”

This is a Goodfellas reference. Tommy, played by Master Thespian Joe Pesci, shot Spider for the crime of being a little slow, and again for the further crime of actually being a little put out by the first shooting.  Jimmy (played by a little known actor making his debut named Robert DeNiro. Whatever happened to him?) complained that “I got no lime, you gotta dig the hole.” Classy, those gangsters. Sounds pretty funny too. A poker game would have to be pretty bad to equal that. But where will I ever use it?

– “Great Shades of Satan!”

I wish I could take credit for that one. I love that line. But truth be told, I swiped it. (And half of good writing is simply knowing what to swipe. But swipe any of my stuff and I’ll sue.) It was exclaimed by Gomez Addams on the Addams Family episode where Lurch, the moaning, monosyllabic Frankenstein-like butler, against all odds, not to mention logic, became a rock star. I’ve got to tell you, John Astin has never gotten his due. Whether playing Gomez or Buddy, Harry’s father on Night Court, John Astin is always funny. For example, who will ever forget the episode where Gomez and Pugsley went to the basement to play with their model trains and derailed them by blowing up the bridge! Classic! (What? You liked The Munsters better? Get out of here, Heathen!)

-“Putzmeister.”

Saw that one on the side of a truck. It is actually the name of a construction company. It just sounds so hysterical. As long as you know that “putz” means “penis.”

– “Damn bully pre-calculus professors.”

This just popped into my head for no reason at all. Did I mention it to you? Were we talking about pre-calc professors? Help me here- where did that come from? Anyway, I like it and when I write about my great-granduncle Barney B. Jacobs who taught at Harvard University but was kicked out for betting on Yale I’m sure I’ll mention them.

– “The Hustler Book of Sexy Sea Stories.”

It is a little unfair putting this here. I know exactly where this will be used. My only problem is that I need to come up with the proper wording. I am maybe going to change it to “The Hustler Book of Salty Sea Stories” so I can “confuse” the terms salty seamen and salty semen in a funny way. (This is why I don’t write for Penthouse Letters.)

-“Looks like something that fell out of the herpes tree.”

Another swipe. This needs no explanation. Just imagine how bad someone must look if she fell out of the herpes tree. And who would be climbing in a herpes tree, anyway? Look, if you think too hard you think the funny right out of it. Laugh and move on.

– “Because I’m stupid like that.”

-“I’m the biggest idiot in the room.”

 More self-deprecating humor here. (Perhaps self-defecating would be better, I don’t know.) Anyway, this is funny because we all know that, really, I am usually the smartest guy in the room. I am just too modest and humble to point it out. I always like to look out for the little people. Makes them feel special. (No, not you, Dear Readers. You are all brilliant and beautiful.)

So there you go. Just a few of my as-yet unused Out Of Context Classics. I’m sure that I might use some of them in the future. And why not? These are already written. Why should I waste time coming up with new stuff?

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