Late Night Movie House of Crap: Totino’s Pizza Rolls

4 Jul

July 4, 2012

You can’t get away from commercials at the movies and this is no exception.

This is the stupidest commercial I ever saw. And that is saying a lot because I have seen way too much tv in my life. I am not sure what the premise is or who the target audience is. Watch the commercial and we’ll discuss later.

These are the dumbest kids in the world. The pizza rolls are RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. I have to believe that the ad is targeted to parents, parents who think their kids are too stupid to tie their own shoes. Did these kids ride the little bus home? Is their underwear labeled “this side front”? And I hope you caught that the one on the left put the cell phone in the freezer. Every time I see that ad I want to smack those kids. (Especially the one on the right whose facial expressions seem to range from “wood” to “stone.”) Is that harsh? No, it is not harsh enough. Let’s follow this to the logical conclusion. They can’t see the package in front of them (either that or they can’t read), they leave the phone in the freezer, yet we are supposed to believe they can use the microwave without it blowing up? Not me, I call shenanigans on this dopey ad.

And for the record, pizza rolls come out wet and mushy from the microwave.

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So You Want To Go To Las Vegas- A Primer (Classic Repost)

3 Jul

July 3, 2012

This is vacation time so I present, from 2008, my Las Vegas travel primer.

from August 16, 2008

Congratulations, tourist! Your choice of Las Vegas as your travel destination shows that you are sophisticated and stylish. No tacky Hawaiian shirts for you; you’ve picked the elegance and glamour of Nevada! (Just remember not to venture off the Strip.)

Ten tips for the discriminating Las Vegas tourist:

1- If you plan to make any Moe Green jokes, tell them at the airport and far from the city limits. The locals are not amused.

2- Nevada is not a foreign country. When the man at the airport offers to exchange your money, decline.

3- Casino was a great movie, but if you plan a trip to the desert to find out where the bodies are buried, you’ll be one of them.

4- “Always bet on black.” Would you take any tips on how to spend your money from Wesley Snipes?

5- Yes, those women are men.

6- The Blue Man Group is always ready to meet their fans. In fact, if you ask, they will most likely come back to your hotel room for drinks. But beware- they never, ever, take off that creepy paint.

7- You can no longer find The Rat Pack at The Sands. In fact, you can’t find The Sands at The Sands. It was torn down in 1996. (The ghost of Peter Lawford has been spotted, however, from time to time in the bar at The Venetian.)

8- You may encounter celebrities in the casinos. Proper etiquette upon meeting a celebrity is very important. For example, please help Lindsey Lohan hold her hair back when she vomits into a fountain.

9- During a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament, never walk past a table and shout “I’m all in!”

10- “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Please use discretion. Herpes contracted from the sores on a hooker’s lip does not stay behind when you cross over into Arizona.

There you are, Las Vegas traveler! Enjoy your time in Nevada, and remember, the Moonlight Bunny Ranch does not accept coupons.

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