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untitled- UPDATE!

9 Nov

from November 29, 2006, based on a blog from November 28, 2006

Since I posted the last blog, I’ve done a lot of soul searching. I didn’t find one, but I did come to a conclusion. Remember the situation with a colleague, where I felt bad about something I did?

Well, wait for it…………… He’s a dick. Screw him.

Hey- as I posted a category for this blog, I saw for the first time that there is a category for “Dreams and the Supernatural.” If you read my profile, you know that I’m a paranormal investigator. (Did you read my profile? Bet you did not.) So I will soon start to post the bone-chilling details of my investigations into the Lovecraftian horrors (Literary reference alert!) that I contend with on a daily basis. However, I realize that this is a very serious situation, so to avoid any suspense that may interfere with the digestion of your dinner, (macaroni and cheese?), I will tell you beforehand that I am safe and unharmed. (OK, so that was not really suspenseful. What can I say? I’m not a mystery writer, you know.)

I had a good time today. During one of my classes, the kids were doing a vocabulary assignment when they started throwing words out of the dictionary at me. (Have you ever been hit by a word thrown out of the dictionary? Sounds like something from Roald Dahl’s The Phantom Tollbooth. Ever read that book? No? Then stop reading this drek and go out and get it. It’s a kids book but I love it. (Then again, I also love Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, so what do I know? Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo never worked again, and deservedly so. (How do I know all of this esoteric crap? ‘Cause I am full of this nonsense. Go ahead- ask me what Lionell Atwill’s greatest film performance of the 1930’s was? (It was in 1933’s The Vampire Bat where he masterfully portrayed Dr. Otto von Niemann.) On second thought, don’t ask.) Wait- I have another parenthesis to close. Go back and check. Here it is- )

Where was I? Hmmmm……. Screw him…….. paranormal investigator………. drek…….. oh, dictionaries. (See how these things go? And if Faulkner wrote this he’d be a genius.) So they started throwing words at me (have you ever been hit by- oh no, not again.) to see if I knew the meanings. I KNEW EVERY SINGLE WORD. I am the smartest teacher in the world! How can I parlay this into money? I can’t.

In my last blog, I may have been a bit silly and said some nice things about some of my friends. Oh that wicked alcohol! I was so wasted! Well, I’m going to wrap this up with a quote by Mr. Know-It-All (how come we never see Mr. Blog and Mr. Know-It-All in the same place at the same time? Quiet you. (“Yes Mr. Peabody.”) (This Superman line was last quoted in my blog of Saturday November 4th. Go back and see!) Oop- another darn parenthesis to close- ) This is quick becoming my most disjointed blog ever. I’ll have to work on that. Making it more disjointed, I mean. Look, if I have to work to write this, then it is only fair that you should work to read this. While you get to read all of my golden drippings and reap the benefits therein (huh?) what do I get? Bloody fingers. (I’m a poor typist) And you should see how all that blood ruins my keyboards. (I’ve gone through two since I started this page. )

Authors plugged in this blog: HP Lovecraft, Roald Dahl, Faulkner, me.

Books plugged in this blog: The Phantom Tollboth

Movies plugged in this blog: Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla,

Cartoons plugged in this blog: Mr. Peabody and Sherman

Celebrity big-league bloggers plugged in this blog: Mr. Know-It-All

Bad comedians plugged in this blog: Mitchell and Petrillo

Words that may possibly be Yiddish in this blog: Drek

Sharp-eyed readers may have noticed that I have not yet quoted Mr. Know-It-All, as I threatened to awhile back. Sharp-eyed readers are a pain in the ass. I have no intention of quoting Mr. Know-It-All. It was just a MacGuffin (chalk up another literary reference!) to get you to read until the end. And why would I want you to read until the end? Well, because I am a writer, I believe that every word on this page is vital to your mental health. Just think what would have happened if you went to bed after only the second paragraph. How could you sleep? (“What did he mean by ‘Lovecraftian’? What would he say if he knew that I didn’t read until the end?”) I’d say “Good for you.”

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This blog is not about horseback riding

9 Nov

from November 4, 2006

I’m tired. And like there is no better time to drive than when you are drunk, there is no better time to write a blog than when you are tired.

I like writing. I get to say the most ridiculous things and since nobody reads this blog, (OK, except you- whoever you are) nobody ever complains. For example, I could write that “I can’t stand the way all those science teachers get away with hurling feces around the cafeteria” and no one would call me on it. Likewise, I could write that “I have banged every woman in the Phi Beta Epsilon fraternity” and no one would ever write to me to say “Hey dumbass- women join sororities, not fraternities.” Yes, that kind of inaccurate misinformation is my stock in trade. (And isn’t misinformation inaccurate by definition? That’s why I need an editor.)

Blogs usually are about stuff. Stuff like topics. Interesting topics are good. So I’ve got a list of topics that I can choose from. Here it is:

– Why I want to destroy the lives of three of my coworkers.
– Oreo cookies- good, huh?
– What happened to the plaid shirt I’m sure I put in the drycleaners but didn’t get with the rest my clothes?
– Ten great things about Michelle Gerber.
– A review of the TV show Lost
– Who says I can’t own a gun?
– You talkin’ to me?
– I have an idea for an invention.

Well, to be totally honest (I do that sometimes) I don’t want to write about any of those. I think that this blog will be a sort of metafiction thing, something post-something-or-other, stream-of-consciousness, too-many-hyphens kind of thing. Something with literary pretensions but most likely crappy, with a dash of the aforementioned “inaccurate misinformation.”

Just saw William Shatner on a commercial. What is he, 80 years old? The guy has all the acting skills of a less talented Adam West yet he’s got like a dozen Emmy Awards and love of Trek Geeks worldwide. Aw, who am I kidding- I’d love to be William Shatner! Who wouldn’t? The guy is rich up the wazoo and everybody loves him. (OK, except for the people he worked with. They all hate him. James Doohan’s last words on his deathbed were “fuck Shatner, that bald prick.” What- they weren’t? They should have been. That would have rocked.) Ever hear his version of “Mr. Tambourine Man”?

And come to think of it, I seem to have a problem with this keyboard. Oh sure, this blog looks all neat and professional but that damn keyboard doesn’t do caps well. Every cap that you see here was originally lowercase and I had to go back and fix it. I suppose I could do an e e cummings thing (“cummings,” huh huh- “Hey Beavis- he said “cummings.” “Whoa Butthead- you said it too!” “Cool. I said ‘cummings’ uh huh huh.”) –where was I? Oh- I suppose I could do an e e cummings (still funny!) thing and write all in lowercase but I say that e e was an ass ass. Pretentious dwad, all full of himself, all like “I’m going to write without any capital letters. You all suck if you use caps. I’m E E CUMMINGS, BITCH!” Nope, that’s not for me. I’m a man of the people. And the common man uses capital letters. When he’s not stoned.

Now a word about the common man. The common man blows. There. I’ve said it. The average guy is a jerk. No ambition. No brains. Stuck in a lousy job being kept down by the man, owing money to the Fed and living paycheck to almost paycheck. Get up, go to work, go home, start over the next day. And the common woman? Have you ever been to Jersey? My God, what a state full of the lowest common denominator. So the average person is not worth that time I’ve taken to type all of this and go over all the lowercase letters to make them caps. Do I sound like a snob? Damn right I am. Or maybe I’m not. I said at the outset that I’m tired. I don’t know what I’m doing. People seem to think I’m a nice guy. Or are they all lying to me? Hmmmmm……… (See? Told you I’m tired.)

Ever notice that you never see Clark Kent and Superman in the same place at the same time? For seventy freakin’ years Lois Lane never put two and two together. All he did was put on a pair of glasses. You’re supposed to be a reporter! How stupid are you?

I’ve noticed it too. I tend to rant and yell in these things. Or worse, when Mr. Know-It-All shows up to give advice, I’ll write things I never would say in front of an actual person.

 And I’m never going to stop. Unless I fall asleep.

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