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My Review of The New Cast of Dancing With The “Stars” September 2010. Ugh.

31 Aug

August 31, 2010

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars has been revealed and once again, ABC stretches the definition of “star” to the breaking point. If you thought last season “star” Kate Gosselin was bad, this season’s “stars” will make her look like, well, still like Kate Gosselin.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (Jersey Shore)
Does this guy have a head? I don’t know. In every shot he is pointing to his abs, which I must admit have a higher IQ than Snooki. Can we drop him into Afghanistan and stand him the same pose, showing the Taliban where to shoot?

Bristol Palin (Daughter Of Sarah Palin)
She is a star because she is an unwed pregnant teenage mom engaged to a total jerk. Were she not Sarah Palin’s daughter she’s be on the next Maury.

David Hasselhoff (Baywatch)
Hofftastic! The Hoff will Hoffer Dancing with the Hoffs his Hoffmazing skills on the Hoffloor. His Hofferific Hoffs Hoff Hoff Hoff Hoff Hoff.

OK, that's Chris Farley. But you seen Haselhoff lately?

Brandy (Singer)
Someone keep the brandy away from Hasselhoff! Oh, she’s a singer? Never mind.

Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing)
From imdb:
“The New Adventures of Old Christine” …. Tracey (1 episode, 2009)
 – Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Crazy (2009) TV episode …. Tracey
“Phineas and Ferb” …. Dr. Gevaarlijk / … (3 episodes, 2008-2009)
– Phineas and Ferb’s Quantum Boogaloo (2009) TV episode (voice) …. Librarian
– Hide and Seek/That Sinking Feeling (2009) TV episode (voice) …. Louisa Patel
– The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein/Oil on Candace (2008) TV episode (voice) …. Dr. Gevaarlijk
Keith (2008/I) …. Caroline
Redbelt (2008) …. Lucy Weiss

Yeah, she has time to do this show.

Michael Bolton (Singer)
As long as he keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t sing we can all get through this.

Kurt Warner (Former NFL Player)
Rick Fox (Former NBA Player)
Athletes usually do well on this show. Kurt is a two time MVP and a Super Bowl MVP. Rick played on three NBA championship teams.

Make your own jokes, I’ve got nothing.

Florence Henderson (The Brady Bunch)

Margaret Cho (Comedian)
Margaret once had a television show called “All-American Girl.” I found this tidbit online, showing just how stupid network TV is:

“The show suffered criticism from within the U.S. East Asian community over its perception of stereotyping. Producers told Cho at different times during production both that she was “too Asian” and that she was “not Asian enough.” At one point during the course of the show, producers hired a coach to teach Cho how to “be more Asian.”

Kyle Massey (Rapper)
Kyle is 19 and works for the Disney channel. So in other words, expect to see him any number of shows, movies, and concerts churned out from the Disney boot camp. Remember- there was a time we hadn’t heard of Hannah Montana either.

Audrina Patridge (The Hills)
I don’t know what “The Hills” may be, but perhaps this picture will give some clue:

The Hills!

The 2010 cast gives you pause to reflect. Who could possibly make the 2011 cast? My money is on Ronald McDonald, your paperboy, and Mr. Blog.

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American Chopper Sr. vs. Jr.: “Because He’s My Butler!”

27 Aug
August 27, 2010

Thanks to JRD Skinner of skinner.fm::blog of fiction for the new and improved banner! You rock! For all  poor graphics in this blog, blame me.

Watching TLC’s American Chopper is getting to be like watching those creepy toddler beauty pageants. The people seem to be having fun, but you wonder how much they are being pushed behind the scenes.

Case in point: This week, Mikey Teutul decided that he needed an assistant. You can almost feel the heavy hand of the TLC producers. “We’ve got a pretty dramatic episode this week. Sr. and Jr. are going to court, Jr. can’t find a customer, we’ve got to lighten it up. I know! Mikey is comic relief, how about if he hires an assistant? Comedy gold! The guy only moves about three feet a week.”

(Before you accuse me of being paranoid- because of course reality television is reality, man! It’s real!- go back and rewatch this week’s show. In the OCC shop, shaved ape Jason, who has the IQ of only one of his sneakers, put on Paulie’s old hat and sunglasses and paraded in front of Sr. doing an actually pretty good Jr. impression. He’s lucky Sr. didn’t put his head in a vice, Three Stooges style. Senior turned to the camera and asked “did you guys put him up to this?” So don’t tell me this show doesn’t have backstage shenanigans going on.

And while I’m at it, who the Hell are all these guys putting Jr. down all of a sudden? None of them where there when the company was being built and they operated out of the back of the steel shop. These guys are all bandwagon jumpers and should shut up. Say what you want about Paulie, but Jason is a total jerk and bald-headed Mike did nothing to build the business.)

Anyway, back to topic, Mikey, who can best be charitably described as America’s Onslow, hired an assistant. To assist what? I don’t know. Buying Cheetos, maybe.

There seemed to be just one guy who answered the ad to be his assistant. Or that’s how TLC edited it. In reality (ohh, there’s that word again) I’m sure there would be hundreds of people lining up to be on American Chopper, but TLC picked, er, Mikey picked, some guy who looks like an overgrown garden gnome and who I’m sure majored in Elvin lore and pot.

This is like a stone getting a slug as an assistant. Sure, it is an improvement, but not much. He’d do much better with Christopher Hewett.

 

MISTER BELEVEDERE’S DUTIES AS MIKEY’S BUTLER

  • Dust Mikey
  • Comb stuff out of Mikey’s beard
  • Tell Mikey how good his kindergarten-style artwork is
  • Laugh at Mikey’s “jokes”
  • Wander over to Paulie, ask him what’s up, go home.
  • Keep Wesley out of the kitchen

Let’s face it, the person who really needs an assistant is this guy:

Has OCC finished the TARDIS bike yet?

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