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Mr. Duck Steps Out

23 May

May 23, 2011

Ever come across a story that seemed too good to be true? That’s how I felt when I read this:

A woman believed that Donald Duck was wooing her via satellite television. Why not? Donald is a big star. He’s on TV all the time. Is it really inconceivable that he has been sending her hidden messages in his cartoons?

Well, one thing led to another, a ladder was brought into the equation, and the woman climbed into the satellite dish- no mean feat, those panels aren’t always the strongest- where she “consummated marriage” with Donald Duck.

I have a lot of trouble with that story, not the least of which is that Donald is in a happy relationship with his girlfriend Daisy Duck and has been since 1940. The thought of Donald cheating on Daisy is too much for me to bear. It would kill the little kid inside of me.

On the other hand, I am equally worried that some other water fowl is committing identity theft by claiming to be Donald Duck and seducing crazy women via TV and having sex with them in satellite dishes.

I had to track this journal down. And while the original article is not available online I did find corroboration.

However, I was able to learn that it was indeed Donald and the happy couple is now honeymooning in Disneyland.

And the woman’s real name? Christina Aguilera.

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Someone’s Been Hitting The Hookah Pretty Hard, featuring Popeye

20 May

May 20, 2011

Well that explains everything or it explains nothing. Clearly, everyone in the Middle East is nuts, and if you don’t believe me just watch the news one night.

With all the killings in the name of religion, all the border wars and ethnic bloodshed, all the lunatic fringe elements and not-quite-as-lunatic majority elements running around trying to kill anyone who is not them, and especially anyone as not them as The United States, this Arabian Nights story seems downright quaint in its old school loonyness.

I know it is a losing game to apply logic to this, but if the ruling party could summon and control djinns I’d assume that arresting them would be impossible. They would be impervious to attack, and they would have destroyed their enemies long ago. The fact that you can arrest these magicians means that A- they are pretty crappy magicians or B- they are not magicians at all.

Of course you have to be careful summoning djinns. They are not all Barbara Eden in MC Hammer pants. Most of them can be pretty tricky or downright ruthless. If you were trapped in a lamp (and it doesn’t have to be a lamp- though it is usually oil or another liquid) and got a chance to you’d do your best to stay out and get someone else stuck in the lamp for eternity.

All in all, this story is a funny throwback to the days of mad sultans, genies in lamps, and Max Fleischer

BTW, I added the Popeye picture to the article. The day The Guardian starts editorializing like that is the day I subscribe.

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