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I Attempt to Translate Facebook Status Updates. (Classic OOPS! Repost)

13 Feb

February 13, 2013

Hi gang. Due to technical difficulties with YouTube the amazing fantastic historic terrific superlative better than ever post I had up for a few brief minutes had to come down. It was based around a great video but you could not see the video. So until YouTube gets its act together, enjoy this classic repost.

from June 12, 2010

Hi. Do you hate Facebook like me? Sure, we all do.

Yes, FB gives us plenty of reasons to hate it, like sharing all of our personal information with telemarketers in India. Sure, it owns all of our personal vacation photos so we shouldn’t be too surprised when our Hawaiian beach shots turn up in condom ads. And of course, FB games download so much malicious content into your PC that your hard drive would be better off infected with maggots, but none of those are the reason I hate Facebook.

I hate Facebook because it gives every illiterate pre-lobotomy nose picker the chance to show the world how stupid they are.

What follows are actual status updates I’ve found by trolling my friends’ FB pages and seeing the updates of people who linked to them. For the record, I have less than 2 dozen “friends” there, all of whom can spell both their first and last names, unlike this bunch.

What I’ve tried to do, where possible, is to decipher whatever the hell their status updates are trying to say, and wherever possible, make some sense of it.

Here we go. (Take a deep breath and a strong drink. Most of these are recent NYC high school grads.)

watchin transformers, love this movie.

OK, not really hard. The poster is watching Transformers, a movie she loves. Fair enough. But wait, she loves the movie, so she had to tear herself away from the movie to tell people that she is watching the movie? So she paused the movie, told people she was watching the movie, and went back to the movie? Or she was on the computer anyway during her favorite movie and decided to tell people she was watching the movie, which she clearly wasn’t while she was on Facebook? And who cares anyway?

Goin out 2 the city wit ma wife and niece…6ut first gotta drop 6y to ma sis to quench ma thirst.

Hmm. Here is a man with nothing to drink in his house. I’m not sure I’d be too proud of that.

wants to major engineering.

Really? So do I. but first tell me how you “major” something. I suspect the poster means “wants to do some major engineering,” which in this case must mean “make a big sandwich” because I’m not sure he’ll major “in” engineering.

in dha house chillin w| my one and onli x3 ily so much 🙂 yu brighten up my day love yu.

“I’m having such a wonderful time with my you, my love, be back in ten minutes after I jump on Facebook and update my status.” I imagine two people, in separate rooms in the same house, instant messaging each other back and forth. Ah, modern love.

i spend da day gettin my hair done n more shit pops off but i noe how u doin shit now o man imma violate u so bad jus keep it up keep it up………..

Is she mad at her hair?

why do those go back in life and not go foward if they know they’ve been hurt before, rather than to live the life they have now and be happy and settle for what’s infront of them????

This is one of those Back to the Future things, where you go back in time and your picture starts to fade, right?

I have to admit, this is harder than I thought. Anyway, you know all the rules about internet security, about how you limit access to your personal information and never give out certain info at all? This next person was asleep the nine thousand times she heard that message:

Nosey bitch stop fuccin bein concerned about shit that I do or make accusations about my friends … but ill let u noe something this since u wanna go play informa … I attend Medgar Evers College I work full time at Victoria Secret and I’m putting myself through a CNA course at Mannhattan Institute … I dont have no kids my boyfriend is in VA educated and making his money … NOW GO RUN TELL THAT BITCH!

This one made me laugh:

Good morning FB, I’m working on a Saturday. Its a good thing that i’m getting paid overtime for these hrs.

I suspect this guy starts everyday with “good morning sun. Good morning toothbrush. Good morning toilet.” You get the idea. I bet he gets punched a lot.

why do ppl say God has never failed me yet? he will never fail u so dot say “yet.”

God may not have failed you, but I bet your English teacher did.

I FEEL SO GUD TODAY…HAD A TALK WIT MY BABYFATHER’S MOTHER ND SHE MADE ME FEEL A LOT BETTER…EVEN THO IT TOOK ME A MINTUE TO TELL HER SHE IS HAPPY TO WELCOME MY BABY N HER FAMILY….LMAO AT DONNELL UR ON MOMMYS SHYT LIST.

I had to make a flowchart for this one:

status flowchart

That’s it. Time for two Advils and back to bed. This gave me a raging headache.

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Tuneful Tuesday: Music for Lovers Only

12 Feb

February 12, 2013

I had a snowday on Friday due to the huge storm that hit the Northeastern US. Technically I was supposed to be working from home but you know what that really means: I was on the couch watching War of the Gargantuas.

This is a really good old Japanese monster movie in which a giant hairy brown monster fights a giant hairy green monster, with Russ Tamblyn thrown in for American audiences. Hmm, rereading that last sentence, I realize that I may have a different definition of “good” than you do.

Anyway, somewhere in the first third of the film, the scene shifts for no apparent reason to an outdoor nightclub (no apparent reason other than the reason apparent to all of the viewers that it is about to be attacked by the monster) where a lounge singer is about to take the stage. This is a highpoint of the film and the singer is given a really large spotlight and an inordinate amount of time onscreen. The thing is though, the song stinks and the singer is awful.

Wow, she can really belt out a tune. And I love the way she somehow manages to make the song fade out as if she was dubbed.

That song is stuck in my head. And I am not the only one. I mentioned this film to my brother and he said “the one with the lousy ‘words get stuck in my throat’ song?” and he hasn’t seen that film in years.

We are not the only ones to have that unforgettable tune caught in the steel traps of  our minds. Check out this recent Scooby Doo cartoon:

Have to admit, that is totally cool. It is almost (but not quite) enough to get me to watch Scooby Doo.

But it gets worse. You never know what you are going to find on YouTube. This song was so influential that none other than Devo, not the most stable of folks themselves, covered it too. This is a short clip of them doing the song live in France, where presumably, like Jerry Lewis before them, they are revered as comedy gods.

And it gets still worse.  (Or better, depending on how you like the film.) If you plug War of the Gargantuas into Amazon.con you will find this:

61KSXYF4zCL__SL500_AA300_

2013 split EP from Pantera/Down vocalist Phil Anselmo and Metal warriors Warbeast. War Of The Gargantuas includes two songs from each artist. This album serves as the first release of any solo work by Philip Anselmo during the span of his nearly 30-year legacy. Also, the two Warbeast tracks on the split feature former bassist Alan Bovee before his amicable departure from the band.

Not bad for a movie known for a lousy song and this guy:

gaira

Before I go, I’d like to leave you with these parting words of wisdom:

If my lips could only say the pretty words
That I feel in my heart.

If my voice could make the sound,
I would tell you how I love you
And we’d never be apart.

But with just one look into your face,
My mind starts to drift right into space,
And the words get stuck in my throat.
The words get stuck in my throat.

If I had a hidden microphone inside of my heart,
I would turn the power on.

It would amplify my love for you, and swear to always love you,
And you’d never be gone.

But with just one look into your eyes
I become excited and it’s no surprise
That the words get stuck in my throat.
The words get stuck in my throat.

And every time I try to call,
I can’t speak at all
Because the words get stuck in my throat
The words get stuck in my throat.
The words get stuck in my throat.

Doo Doooooo Doo Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo

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