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My Memories of Cinderella

7 Mar

March 7, 2012

Written for Saarah.

Cinderella is the story of a young girl who was horribly treated by her ugly wicked step-sisters. Her evil step-mother made her cook and clean and do all the chores for the household while her other daughters became lazy and obnoxious. They treated Cinderella like a slave, rather than a member of the family. She scrubbed the floors. She mended the clothes. She chopped the wood. She milked the cows. She even built a new barn from scratch. And that was before breakfast. Don’t ask what she did after lunch. (Here’s a hint: it involves her step-mother’s toes.) What happened to her real mother? I don’t know. Where was her father? I can’t say, but with a crazy shrew of a wife and three disgusting daughters, how long would you stick around?

One day the King threw a fancy ball at the castle. (And seriously, isn’t every ball thrown at a castle fancy? Have you ever heard of a casual ball at a castle? I never have, but then again, what do I know?) Every young woman in the kingdom was invited because the King was that type of guy. Actually, every young woman minus one was invited. Would you be shocked to believe that it was Cinderella? Yeah, like you didn’t see that coming. Anyway, the step-mother was eager to send her three daughters to the ball because the Prince was young and handsome and single. And rich. Filthy stinking rich. Occupy Wall Street would have had a field day in this kingdom.

Anyway, in the days leading up to the ball Cinderella spent her time doing her sister’s nails and hair. She waited on them hand and foot because of course the Prince would never want a woman who ever washed a single dish in her lifetime. Cinderella did everything you could possibly imagine for them, and some things it is better off that you can’t imagine. Hey, there is a reason they were a wicked and evil family.

So party night came and the three step-sisters went to the castle and Cinderella, with a rare night off, went back to her miserable straw cot in the basement behind the compost heap below the leaky pipe next to the puddle of mud and the colony of rodents. Frankly, it was better than where she used to sleep- on a rock in the bottom of the well.

Cinderella was young and beautiful and frankly a little naïve. She desperately wanted to go the ball and wished that her fairy godmother would help her go the castle. Why she didn’t wish for a better life with a normal family and no more pig slop is beyond me. Anyway, I said she was naïve (and maybe a bit dumb) so she wished for her fairy godmother to send her to the ball and sure enough, her fairy godmother turned up.

Her rags turned into a beautiful gown. A pumpkin became a coach and some mice that lived in her bed became coachmen. Of course there was a catch; Cinderella had to be back by the stroke of midnight. What kind of fairy godmother is that? Sheesh, give the kid a break. (That may be just the Disney version of the story. In the real version I am sure there was a goat. Every fairy tale back then had a goat.)

Cinderella crashed the party and no one recognized her, not even her snooty step-sisters. You see, the step-sisters paid so little attention to Cinderella that they actually thought her name was Consuela and she came from Brazil. In true fairy tale fashion Cinderella was the belle of the ball. She stole the Prince’s heart but the Prince, who may not have been too smart himself, never got her name and before you could say “dues ex machina” it was midnight and Cinderella had to jet out of there. She broke out of his embrace, ran down the stairs, jumped into the coach, and got home just as the last chime of midnight struck.

Remember I said she wasn’t too bright? Why was she in a hurry to get home???? Seriously, the Prince fell in love with her, and this was the era of love at first sight and people got married to Princes after only knowing them for a couple of minutes all the time, so why did she leave?????? Stay with the Prince!

She went home (a stupid move, in my opinion) and as she lay in her bed of muddy mice-infested straw she had only her memories of a night at the castle to keep her warm because she didn’t have a blanket or a quilt.

On the other hand, the Prince asked everyone he knew (and the Prince was a popular guy so he knew a lot of people) but no one knew the name of the woman who ran off the night before. The Prince was intrigued. He had women throwing themselves at him all the time but being pure and virtuous he spurned them all. Never before had a woman spurned him. (Hey, this could only be a fairy tale. In real life if the Prince spurned that many women you know there’d be rumors about him.)

Luckily, the Prince had a clue: a single glass slipper. For some reason, the fairy godmother gave Cinderella a pair of glass slippers to wear. You just know they weren’t comfortable. I bet Cinderella had huge blisters on her feet the next day. Cinderella was in such a hurry to get home (again, why?????) that she ran right out of her shoe and the Prince, who had a foot fetish, picked it up and after spending a night with the shoe that I will not speculate about he went from house to house to find the woman whose foot fit it. Luckily Cinderella was a rare size and no one else in the kingdom wore a size six. (This is what you call suspension of disbelief.)

The Prince tried the shoe on every single girl he could find and even a pretty cow (he was desperate) but none fit the transparent footwear. Regardless, he had a great time. Foot fetish, remember?

The last house he tried, naturally, was Cinderella’s but she was in the field pulling a plow with her teeth so she never saw the Prince. He tried the shoe on the first step-sister but it was too hot. The second step-sister was too cold. I may be mixing this up with the Three Little Pigs. Sorry. Anyway, none of them fit the shoe even though one of them sliced off her big toe to make her left foot fit.

Finally, sad and unloved but with a really sexy shoe (foot fetish) the Prince decided to give up when, across the field, with the setting sun in his eye and a rainbow above, he saw the sight that would change his life forever. He saw a dead moose.

The moose had fallen across the road and blocked the way to the castle so the royal party had to take a detour and when he turned around he nearly knocked down Cinderella, who was trudging home with a load of chicken fat on her back.

I am sure you can guess what happened next, but if you can’t, here are the bullet points:

  • The slipper fit
  • The Prince loved her feet
  • They got married
  • Cinderella got her revenge on her wicked step-family with a complicated death trap just like the ones in the Saw movies.

I guess I should wrap up my memories of Cinderella with “and they lived happily ever after” but I won’t. If you ask me Cinderella was not worth it. I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger but she ain’t messin’ with no broke Prince.

If you would learn anything from the tale of Cinderella, please take my advice and read these parting words, from the Brothers Grimm translation: 

18 years, 18 years
She got one of your kids got you for 18 years
I know somebody paying child support for one of his kids
His baby mamma’s car and crib is bigger than his
You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was suppose to buy you shorty TYCO with your money
She went to the doctor got lypo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should of got that insured got GEICO for your money
If you ant no punk holla we want prenup
WE WANT PRENUP! Yeah
It’s something that you need to have
‘Cause when she leave yo ass she gone leave with half
18 years, 18 years
And on her 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his

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The Celebrity Apprentice: Week Three

4 Mar

March 4, 2012

Victoria Gotti got whacked last week and I am glad. I could not stand her. That makes two wins in a row for the men, but they inured Dee Snider’s finger and it looks like this week it may turn into a serious injury. This week’s challenge has to do with Ivanka’s fashion line and it may be that the women can get a win this week.

THE TASK: Design a living window display for Ivanka Trump’s fashion line
MEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: George Takei (As Adam Carolla repeatedly said, “because he is gay.”)
WOMEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Dayana Mendoza

Each team had two windows to design. Aubrey took off with a design on the women’s side and sort of took over. George for the men seemed to be just a drop lost and right away Clay started losing faith. Adam seemed at the start to be pushing him a little because George didn’t have much drive. Dee had to leave early for a doctor’s appointment to check the finger he hurt on the last task. Does that make him weak? A target? It is all about the game.

Each team split in two, one group to get supplies and one to work on the display. For the men, Adam took over but for some reason he didn’t call George to check on anything. Aubrey was running the women’s site and not making any friends. It was probably a mistake not staying on site.

Trump’s assistant Amanda got some lines this week. She also works for Ivanka on the clothing line.

“That ladies think they have a theme but I have no idea what it is yet.” – Don Junior. give them credit for one thing, though. When they needed help, they called Ivanka direct. It later came back to hurt the men that they did not.

The gay issue was front and center on the men’s team. Adam first picked Clay, then endorsed George, because they were gay. But later on Arsenio spotted that as a negative. As he said, if the gay teammates only looked at how men dress, they should step back and let Arsenio, who notices women, take over. (If you have an issue with that, feel free to comment but remember that it was Arsenio and Adam, not me.) Adam continued his (correct, in my book) criticism of George and if they lose, it is obvious he will be the main target. George didn’t even go over to the display to check it out. His group did their thing and he called it a day.

At the doctor, Dee learns that he needs surgery. And he needs it fast or the bone will naturally set in a very bad way. It appeared, and it could be simply due to the editing, that he had it right then and there. He returned later that day with his arm and hand in a full cast.

For the men’s team, and I got a laugh out of this, there was a snag with the pieces fabricated by Paul Senior’s “people.” They were designed incorrectly. I have no idea if he sent it out to OCC or a contractor, that is how Adam described them, his “people.” (Later on George told Ivanka it was OCC and Paul confirmed it in the boardroom.) So yes, Paul Teutul’s design was wrong. I hope Jason had a hand in it. Anyway, it was funny seeing Adam Carolla and Lou Ferrigno show Paul Sr. how to fabricate a sign.

Funny line: Paul Sr. to Lou Ferringo: “Why you gotta be so big?”

It isn’t smooth sailing for the women either; their pictures are not ready. So Aubrey just jumped in and took charge. If they lose, it is Aubrey and Dayana in the boardroom.

“George didn’t make himself useful in any way.” -Clay, describing how everyone else pitched in to help get the models ready.
“George gave away so much authority that he had no purpose anymore.” -Clay.

The unveiling came and the men’s windows? BORING. The displays were bare and there was nothing going on in them. Clay and some models were in a very bare office setting. George, presenting to Ivanka, could barely speak, mixing up Clay and Arsenio, stuttering, and generally being unable to explain anything. Arsenio was in the other window, a boring bare red carpet with Arsenio and some models. Visually there was zero to hold your attention. Not a single member of the men’s team looked happy. They knew they had a dog.

The women’s windows looked more interesting. The models were doing things, the design of the set was interesting, and while it wasn’t impressive either, it was light years ahead of the men, at least in my opinion.

If the women lose, who will Dayana bring back? She couldn’t say. Who would Aubrey bring back? She tried to pass, but when pressed, she said she’d want Lisa and Patricia on her team. Patricia had great words for Lisa too.

It wasn’t the same on the men’s team. As they went to commercial at 10:25, Clay’s words about George were brought up. Clay defended them and even Arsenio, in defending George, was kid of lukewarm. It was clear Arsenio was hedging his words. He said, in effect that if he did a bad job, it was on George for not supervising him.

THE WINNER: The Women. Given that the woman’s team were, as it was put a few times, the exact demographic the line was designed for, and it contained professional models and actresses, this was no surprise.

Arsenio got knocked for the clothing, Lou and Adam got knocked for the fabrication, and George took hits for not being closely involved. Lou said he would fire Arsenio, Paul, who got nothing but praise for his sign, said he would fire George for not supervising and lack of communication. (I hope the American Chopper viewers appreciate that.) Clay of course blamed George: “He was not always present in what happened.” Penn, after explaining that he had little to add to the task, didn’t pick anyone to go, and Dee was given a pass. Arsenio, who would you fire? If it came down to the clothes, it should be him. Bad move. Who would Adam fire? George, because everyone did good so it rests on the project manager’s shoulders. Penn reluctantly agreed.

GOING TO THE BOARDROOM: George, Arsenio, and surprisingly, Lou, who George claimed misunderstood directions. I have to wonder, what directions?

George said that another team member asked Lou to step back, and it had to be Adam, who felt that Lou was horning in on his job. Lou once again defended himself very well. I really want to see him as the p.m. soon. As the boardroom went on, it sounded more and more like even George expected to be fired. He was making his goodbyes before the decision was made.

YOU’RE FIRED: George Takei

NEXT WEEK: A Buick presentation, and the commercial promises two firings.

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