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This Gentleman Needs to Get His Ass Kicked**: UNFUN WITH TEH INTERNETS

23 Jul

July 23, 2012

While compiling last week’s Fun With Teh Internets, I came across a story so annoying, so stupid, that just thinking about it really cheeses me off.

So what if I have not a single artistic bone in my body? My stick figures are crooked, I’m tone deaf, and I can’t fingerpaint correctly.  Even the elephants are more artistic than me http://www.elephantartgallery.com/  So what? At least I know art when I see it.

This is art:                     

This is art:

 

 This is art:

 

And even this is art (when done by your pre-schooler)

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen……this is most definitely NOT art:

http://www.dnainfo.com/new-york/20120705/upper-east-side/hamburglar-artist-throws-gnawed-cheeseburgers-at-people-from-bike

Before I even begin, I need to note the hilarity of this site putting the skepticism quotes around Hamburglar instead of artist.

Now let’s all just take a minute to let the breathtaking ass-hattery on display here sink in and make an impact:

This so-called “artist” throws partially-eaten cheeseburgers at people as he bikes on by.

Now I’m just a simple man with simple values, but THAT SURE AS F**K DOESN’T SOUND LIKE ART TO ME! 

Let’s dig in slightly further into this:

The bizarre performance art — “Second Deceit aka Free Cheeseburgers,” as the piece is formally called — kicked off at the McDonald‘s on Third Avenue near East 85th Street Tuesday morning, when Hill stocked up on 20 cheeseburgers for $32.44, bit a chunk out of each one, and re-wrapped them with Scotch tape.

Hill doesn’t even swallow the bites of cheeseburger that he takes, instead spitting the burger bits into a bag.

“It upsets my stomach,” he said of the burger.

You know what upsets my stomach? IDIOT HIPSTERS WHO THINK THEY’RE DEEP DOING STUPID SH*T LIKE THIS. I HATE HIPSTERS. I HATE HIPSTERS. GOD DO I HATE HIPSTERS. And they’re always wearing those !*$#!^@ porkpie hats like they’re so cool. Look you morons, porkpie hats are NOT cool. You know when the last time a porkpie hat was cool was?  THIS is when: 

The French Connection! AWESOME film!

Sorry guys, but it will be a cold day in hell before you’re even a third as cool as Popeye Doyle.  HE GOT SO BLIND  DRUNK HE ALLOWED A HOOKER TO CUFF HIM TO THE BED WITH HIS OWN COP CUFFS. That’s rolling hardcore my friends.

Anyway, back to this “artist”. This article helpfully provides a picture for me to mock: 

Leaving aside the stupid costume, let’s do a comparison. REAL man, and pretentious d-bag hipsters: 

REAL MAN

PRETENTIOUS D-BAG HIPSTERS

UGH. It’s like the beta-male exhibit in the monkey house. Now let’s try another experiment. Take the above and compare them to….

 

Draw your own conclusions.
Anyway, moving on….

A couple more choice excerpts:

This time, Hill said he wanted to “do the complete opposite and just be a villain.” He wanted his actions to be one of those “little things that messes up your whole day,” he said.

This is what art is now? Some jagoff just wanting to do something to mess up your day?  I don’t get it. He’s got time to bike around doing this (and other examples of a-hole art, from his web site, which I won’t even go into) – who has the time for this kind of garbage nowadays?? That said, he fails even at this. Something like this wouldn’t mess up my whole day. It would be a few seconds bother before I arrived at work and my boss chewed me out for whatever project I screwed up. Now THAT ruins my whole day.

Hill said he didn’t want to do the project in Harlem, where he lives, because he felt throwing burgers in a lower-income neighborhood would have different connotations than doing it on the Upper East Side, which is home to among New York City’s wealthiest zip codes. (He also tries to avoid throwing burgers to homeless people, he added.)

Heh……yeah, I bet he doesn’t want to do the project in Harlem. The “different” connotations would involve him running for his life. And instead of throwing ruined food at the homeless, why not give them some untainted burgers? YOU’RE RUINING FOOD WHILE PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY.  What a stupid, selfish coward.

Drivers, on the other hand, whizzing by his bike, often shout for a burger. Hill, however, is too afraid to give them anything. “I don’t want to do that because they can chase me down with their car,” he said

Oh man, that would be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Yeah dude, please try these cars out:

 

I wish I had ANY of these cars, especially the one with the death laser. Oh man, I could have some fun with that. I’d never be stuck in traffic or have to look for a parking spot!

Anyway, here’s my favorite quote (taken from a Guardian write up of this dope)

Thursday night was Hill’s eighth performance in the series and he had a particularly despondent attitude towards the whole project: “No one’s really coming out to see it and the people who do see it don’t know what it is. It sort of feels kind of pointless in a way, doesn’t it?”

Pointless in a way? Buddy, IT IS POINTLESS IN EVERY WAY.  It’s as pointless as your life I imagine. But hey, if you’re feeling down about your art….. http://www.facebook.com/pages/a-very-rare-Mary-Worth-in-which-she-has-advised-a-friend-to-commit-suicide/103761656326275  (There’s a Simpson’s reference for everything!)

So this is what some people now consider art. I guarantee you 50 years from now, nobody will be flocking to museums to see the cheeseburger throwing exhibit. And if they do….well, watch out for me, because I’ll be there to break it all up with my laser car.

SIDE NOTE:  Not only was Popeye Doyle portrayed so awesomely by the great Gene Hackman, but he was also later played in a TV movie (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091780/)  by another of my favorite actors ever: …. Ed “Al Bundy” Oneill:

How awesome is that??!

** Not that I should have to, but it keeping with interweb etiquette, I have to note that I don’t actually endorse or advocate any violence against this guy.  He needs a good ass-kicking, but let’s all leave it to someone else to administer it, m’kay?

 

UPDATE: Added by express request of Mr. B……….I present Hipster Fat Guy!

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Your Honor, I move for dismissal on the grounds that the movie sucked (Classic Legal Nonsense Repost)

17 Jul

July 17, 2012

Silly lawsuits never go out of style. Enjoy.

From November 4, 2010

Coming up is a story that you’d expect came straight from the United States, where it is every citizen’s right to file ridiculous lawsuits and waste the court’s time with nonsense. In fact, it has been estimated that if all frivolous lawsuits were dismissed immediately, and no further frivolous lawsuits filed, the entire legal load of merited cases could be handled by Judge Judy in a single afternoon, leaving the Supreme Court free to do what it does best, which is age at an alarming rate.

Of course not every lawsuit is frivolous, just ask these fine folks who filed suit, as found in The Huffington Post:

  • In 1991 Richard Overton tried to sue Anheuser-Busch for $10,000 because upon drinking copious amounts of Bud Light, beautiful women didn’t come to life in a tropical setting, as shown in the commercials.
  • Allen Heckard had a unique problem: people constantly told him he looked like basketball star Michael Jordan. Except Heckard saw it a bit differently, Michael Jordan looked like him. Naturally, he decided to sue Jordan and Nike for $832 million for his “emotional pain and suffering.”
  • In 1995, Robert Lee Brock attempted to sue himself for $5 million claiming he violated his own civil rights by getting intoxicated and committing crimes. He was serving a 23 year prison sentence at the time and thought the state would have to pay because he was incarcerated.

So obviously the legal system is pretty busy these days.

This problem is not unique to America. This story comes from China, where if they saw what passes for Chinese food in this country they would have a good laugh:

A lawyer in Xian, China, filed a lawsuit in September against a movie house and film distributor for wasting her time — because she was exposed to 20 minutes of advertisements that began at the posted time for the actual movie to begin. Ms. Chen Xiaomei is requesting a refund (equivalent of about $5.20) plus damages of an equal amount, plus the equivalent of about 15 cents for “emotional” damages — plus an apology. [The Guardian (London), 9-8-10]

Are you as shocked as I am? Imagine- only $5.20 for a movie! OK, she sat through some commercials, big deal. I sat through Starship Troopers and I paid around $8 for that. Other lousy films I paid to see were Batman and Robin and Any Given Sunday. Trust me, if anyone deserves to be sued it is Oliver Stone for that cinematic piece of crap. And Starship Troopers? If you voluntarily rent this film knowing that it is near the pinnacle of Casper Van Dien’s craft you deserve what you get. But this when he was only a new bad actor, not an established bad actor. I was young, I was naive, I was disgusted that the film wanted me to root for the Nazis.

But I digress.

I actually think that Ms. Chen Xiaomei should consider herself lucky. Not only would that film have cost around $12 in America ($145.50 in NYC, $195.50 for 3D) but while waiting for the commercials to end she would have likely consumed here entire 7.50 bucket of popcorn and 7.50 large soda. (Of course, she could have easily saved some cash by purchasing one of the theater’s combos, where the soda and popcorn would have only cost her $15.)  That amounts to $27 even before the coming attractions, and of course doesn’t take into account a date, which this female attorney didn’t seem to have.

I hope she wins the $10.55 she is suing for.

All this brings me (nearly) full circle from lawsuits to movies to lawyers. Can you imagine that this lawyer values her time so little that she is filing suit and spending time arguing a case for $10.55? (Ironically, the case is about wasting time.) She is either a very poor attorney or has very low self-esteem, either of which would also explain why she was alone at the movies in the middle of the day.

At any rate, and perhaps more importantly, she is also suing for an apology. Yes, an apology. She wants an “I’m sorry” from the theater, which makes me wonder if this case was filed in Ms. Wagner’s third grade class. I wonder if the judge will sentence them to shake hands and make nice? Or perhaps to kiss and make up, which may work out well for Chen Xiaomei if she can parlay that kiss into a date.

However, I may be minimizing the importance of the apology. No less an esteemed legal mind that Judge Marilyn Milian of The People’s Court says that small claims court is usually not about money, it is about the principle. She must be right. How else to explain the case, from the crotchety old Judge Wapner era, where one man sued another for 65 cents, the cost of a can of soda?

Frivolous lawsuits and bad movies will always be with us. True as that is, it is hard to believe that there are not many movies about frivolous lawsuits. Even if they were, however, they would not be prosecutable. If so, I’d have sued Jennifer Lopez for Gigli years ago, and put an injunction on Ban Affleck in the process. That man must be stopped before he acts again!

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