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Groovy Fun With Fashion, By “Tiger” Keyes (Classic Tiger Beat Repost)

19 Aug

August 19, 2013

Allan Keyes has a lot on his mind. His enemy list just keeps growing and growing and something has to be done. so while he’s in his secluded bunker planning his next move, here is a classic Keyes post from almost exactly one year ago.

 

from August 13, 2012

Allen Keyes is off on vacation this week climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. In the meantime, please enjoy this rare presentation of his first printed work, from the June 1978 issue of Discotheque Magazine

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Groovy Fun With Fashion, By “Tiger” Keyes

Hello all you cats and kittens! It’s my deepest pleasure to be writing for you all today. It gives me such happiness to put words to paper. My friends Bill G. and Steve J. keep trying to get me interested in something called Telenet. I don’t know what that is. Man, they keep going on and on about how it works computers and stuff like that. Writing for large audiences over a computer? Heh heh oh man…..it will never catch on. I keep telling them they need to make the scene at the disco instead of playing in the garage with those circuit boards. Man, I’d rather dance! My lapels are wide, my suit is tight, my platforms are this high! Computers? By 1980 we’ll have forgotten all about them. But it’s all good, right amigos and amigas? We have this fine magazine, we have each other, we have disco (FOREVER!!!!!!) and I have a fashion roundup for all of you.

Karate Man

Righteous outfit brother…..righteous. Obviously inspired by the man himself:

 

That’s what I’m talking about boys and girls! Look at that comfortable gi! Everyone is going to want one of those. So comfortable, so loose and convenient! I predict that the recreational karate gi is going to become the most popular garment in the afro community within the next 5 years. This is going to usher in a whole golden age of black karate in the United States, I guarantee it.

These jumpsuits have a vaguely Mideastern flair to them

 

Speaking of the middle-east, as I write this I hear on my transistor earbud that the Ayatollah is returning home to Iran. I have a feeling that this is going to spark a whole new era of US-Iran friendship. I hope so, it costs me $11 dollars to fill up my Impala’s tank! Godspeed Ayatollah, our good friend!

Anyway, getting back to the ads above – the suits are hip, but for the guy I’d recommend he do something about his facial hair. Hey guy, just some friendly advice, grow it out a bit. It looks a drop thin. The bunnies love something to hang onto during the shag, wink wink! Gentleman, I suggest this be the facial hair that you aspire to:

 

See? And that shirt he’s wearing is really caposhi!

The Executive Look

 

Ace! As my man Chico says, “looo-king Goood!”  Ride on Plaid Stallions, ride on brothers. That’s what I’m talking about. This is how the man dresses, dig? That double-knit polyester gives a nice, unwrinkled look. A suit is no good without a nice sheen to it. And those dress shirts! It’s like the old days at the Court of Versailles – the more ruffles you have, the more power you have. I only have a training ruffle right now, but by this time next year I plan to have at least two.

You look at these well-dressed Cassanovas above, then you look at a square like this Reagan guy!

 

A cowboy hat? What a grueler! He’s so not with it! And this hombre thinks he can run for President in 1980? HA! Gonna be a Carter landslide my friends. Easy. This guy will fade into obscurity soon enough.

Colder Than a Deuce

 

One word describes that sweater: GROOOOO-VY! I always wanted my grandma to knit me some winter wear, but this is the next best thing. I want to rush out right this second and beef up my wardrobe. Others may show up with bigger lapels or wider jean flairs or hairier chests (I shave my chest hair in the form of an eagle, when the ladies see it I tell them if they like that they should see the nest!) but belted sweaters are always hard to beat. 

The best thing about this piece? It looks nice and warm. You can wear these threads to chilly Lake Placid to see the Olympics. Wear that bad boy to the Ice Hockey tournament, where you can watch the Russian Team cruise to the gold. They have the world’s best goalie in Tretiak, and they’re just an overall powerhouse. What do we have, a bunch of college kids? They’ll be lucky to get even one win. I’d lay heavy bread on it.

 

Douglas Bull

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real man. Ready for action…..anywhere, anytime. This is the look I’ve been trying to perfect for a few years now, but I lack this gentleman’s finely chiseled physique. The only problem I have with this outfit is the shirt! Lose the shirt man. Show the world what us Doug Bulls are all about!

This cat puts me in mind of master thespian Burt Reynolds. He was just on the cover of People:

 

I love Burt. He’s the best actor of our generation. I just read that he’s agreed to star in Smokey and the Bandit 2! That’s exciting news! Sure to be the box office hit of next year, I just hope that Emipre Strikes Back film gets pushed back to make way for this hit. Star Wars….*snort* It’s just a passing fad. Smokey and the Bandit, now that’s a franchise that has legs! Why the premise alone is so good, I bet that they can even do one without the Bandit himself! The only change I’d make would be to get rid of Jackie Gleason as Sherriff Justice. What a hack that guy is. Gabe Kaplan, now THERE’S the guy who should be playing Smokey!

 

Off to boogie……

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Tired of Traveling? Fly Teddy Bear Air! (Classic I Didn’t Finish Today’s Blog Repost)

17 Aug

August 17, 2013

treasure chest logo
I meant to have a new blog today, I really did. I started it and everything, even took a pair of pictures for it. But it isn’t finished. Look for it later this week, featuring some Universal Monster toys. In the meanwhile, while this technically about toys, it is about a service for toys so it counts. My football my rules.

from August 20, 2010

I consider myself reasonably well-traveled. In the States, I’ve been to Las Vegas, Chicago, Atlantic City, San Diego, Boston, Houston, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Orlando, and of course my hometown of New York, not to mention smaller destinations up and down the East Coast including a bunch of places in New Jersey better left unmentioned. Outside the U.S.A., I’ve been to London, Paris, and Edinburgh.

I’ve taken thousands of pictures. When I went to London, the digital era hadn’t quite hit and my uncle, who worked for Fuji Film, hooked me up with 35 rolls of film which I packed in my carry on. I didn’t realize that the carry on would have to go through an x-ray machine, and I was terrified that it would ruin all that film. This was pre-9/11, but just my luck, JFK had an attempted hijacking that morning, so when I barely opened my mouth to take a breath so that I might start forming the idea to argue with the guy behind the scanner, three guards with rifles took a step towards me, so I shut up fast and put the bag in the machine.

The guy running the scanner told me that modern x-ray machines were lower strength than older ones so my film would be fine. I didn’t believe him. I spent eight hours on the plane worried that I would have to buy more film. I got off the plane at Heathrow where I had to put the film through a second x-ray scan and, surer than ever I ruined the film, asked no one less than the pilot of my plane (!) about the film, and he assured me that in all his travels, he has never had a single roll of film ruined by a scanner. I was reassured, somewhat, but of course that fact that as a British pilot he was most likely half drunk at any given time didn’t give me total satisfaction.

On the way home, with the 35 rolls full of pictures, and another 15 that I bought in England (yes, in two weeks I shot fifty rolls of film) the already twice-x-rayed film was scanned again at Heathrow, again at LaGuardia, and you know what? It was fine. I got some great pictures. (Had the film come out all over-exposed I would not be sane enough to type this blog.)

Of course, I do have some regrets about my vacation shots.

I know what you’re thinking: I took no shots whatsoever of any teddy bears or stuffed animals.

From Germany, http://www.thelocal.de/society/20100805-28975.html

Cologne woman hits plush pay dirt with tours for teddy bears

Even stuffed animals need a holiday every now and then, according to a Cologne woman who runs a travel agency catering exclusively to teddy bears and other plush toy friends.

“I’m full of old cotton and sweat socks!”

“It sounds crazy to many,” said trained retail saleswoman Ulrike Böhmler, admitting that she has always had a certain affection for stuffed animals.

She still has her first stuffed bear, a gift from her grandmother worn ragged by 35 years of cuddling. For some people, such plush toys remain a sentimental object for an entire lifetime, she says.

This kind of love inspired the mother of two to start her own business three years ago when she suddenly found herself unemployed.

“Back then I said in jest that I would offer teddy bear tours if I couldn’t find anything,” she said, explaining that a friend in Munich had put her up to the idea.

But the joke turned into reality and she founded “Teddy-In,” which now offers trips for toys to Hamburg, Munich, Barcelona, Rome and even Romania where the animals can follow Dracula’s fictional footsteps.

Customers book via email or letter, then ship their stuffed animal to Böhmler, who says it can be “comical” when some boxes arrive with air holes punched into cartons for the inanimate toys. She then guides the toy on its holiday tour, taking photographs along the way.

When they return the animals are sent back to their owners refreshed and with a set of vacation photos to share.

“For many it’s a very original gift idea,” said Karsten Morschett from Teddy Tour Berlin. “Lots of people can no longer take trips on their own due to health problems and send their teddy on holiday instead.”

If I have serious health problems and cannot travel, I wonder if I will really be concerned that my Boo Boo Bear enjoyed the Riviera?

It makes sense though, in a stupid sort of way. The stuffed animal is an avatar, same as you have online. You can visit Copenhagen virtually on your computer, or through your old Bert and Ernie dolls. And this way, you have some really strange, fetishy pictures to show for it.

And seriously, who wouldn’t want a set of photos featuring Sesame Street’s Count von Count touring Dracula’s Castle? I mean besides me.

Stuffed doll: $25. Tour of Romania: $1,500. Pictures of your stuffed animal on vacation while you stay home watching Jerry Springer: Priceless. And stupid. Get off your butt and take a trip yourself!

One word of caution.

While they will happily take stuffed animals, teddy bears, and plushies on vacation, furries are not welcome.

“Why won’t anybody play with me?”

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