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Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock

22 Jun

June 22, 2010

New York Duck Press
TELEVISION REVIEW

Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock, Wednesday at 10 pm, Discoobery Channel.
by Emil C. Brown

After a week’s delay, the world premier of the Discoobery Channel’s “Duckumentary” Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock earned top ratings in it’s time period. It was the highest-rated show of the evening.

“I am so proud,” said Pierre in his odd French accent. “I am so proud of my whole wonderful family. Even the mother-in-law.”

Wearing a tuxedo and a distinguished-looking top hat, Pierre showed the Discoobery Channel around his comfortable but slightly cramped three-story nest.

“Sometimes I lose count of how many people live here. There is me, Pierre– I am Pierre, I am so great, I am the greatest duck in the world– where was I?”

Pierre sometimes likes to break into a song about himself. “It is because I am so big in show business. Did you see me in Donald Duck’s last movie? I held the door- ‘Good morning, sir!‘ That was my line.”

Pierre lives with his wife and four children, along with his two brothers and their children, all of his wife’s sisters and their children, his cousin and his family, his grandfather, mother-in-law, and many other members of his extended family.

“I love my Uncle Pierre because he is so funny. But he eats too much,” said his niece Cindy. “I like jelly beans.”

Living at home can be cramped. The Duck family also lives with Donald and Daisy Duck (no relation), the next-door family of frogs who often drop by, frequent guests Furry Murray the dog and Gus the Goose, and a pair of something called “bloops” who live in the basement and have a giant swimming pool.

“A bloop is a big swimming sea creature with lots and lots of arms,” explained Pierre. “I have known him for years.”

He has also known his friend Furry Murray for years. “I have poker games and parties, and Murray Furry, Furry Furry Murray, um the Murray Furry, is always invited.”

Life in the nest is not all parties and poker. “I work very hard. I get up every morning and make the children’s breakfast, then I clean the nest and vacuum the floors, I make the beds and last week I painted the whole nest myself. With no help.”

Pierre’s wife, Cecelia, tells a slightly different story. “See the stomach on him? Let’s just say he likes to sleep late and eat T-bone steaks. He hasn’t climbed a ladder in years.”

Pierre wasn’t always so happy. “I used to live in a bachelor apartment and I had no friends until the Pretty Lady and her fat boyfriend took me in. I owe her everything, She helped me to meet Cecelia, the love of my life, and helped me when I sat on Norman’s egg. I still take them out and treat them to dinner all the time.”

Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock will air again next week at 8 pm on the Discoobery Channel.

copyright 2010

Pierre the Duck

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What do people know about Kim? We know that Kim pees her pants.

16 Jun

June 16, 2010

Hey folks, seen this commercial?

I’m no rocket scientist, but I think I may have a problem here. The ad asks “what do people know about Kim?” Here’s what we learn:

  • She does her own makeup.
  • She cannot set up a music stand.
  • She always forgets where she puts her “magic wand.”

“People know a lot about me,” Kim says, “but they don’t need to know about my condition. And thanks to Depend, they don’t.”

Really?

I would add “And thanks to Depend, they don’t. Unless they watch TV.”

Does this woman think no one will see this? Do none of her friends watch television?

And how ashamed is she of her condition? Enough to not want anyone to know, but not enough to turn down the money that comes for being a spokeswoman.

OK, the woman is no rocket scientist either, but what about the people who made the ad? Is this product targeted at people dumb enough to think that starring in a major television ad ensures privacy? If we are to assume “Kim” is real, then she must be a real moron. If we assume “Kim” is not real and just an actor, then the ad agency assumes the we must be real morons.

Here’s another ad, targeted at men:

“My Dad? People know a lot about Dad” We know:

  • not to let Dad set up a tent.
  • Then again, the guy can “start a fire with a wet sponge.” (Why doesn’t the commercial show that? THAT I’d like to see.)
  • He sure knows how to break up a party with a ghost story.
  • He’s “the glue that holds us all together.”

“People know a lot of things about me, but no one needs to know about my condition. And thanks to Depend, they don’t.”

A couple of things to note:
First, Dad comes off a lot better than Kim, who seems like a complete yutz.
Second, being unable to control your bladder on a camping trip doesn’t seem like much of a problem. You’re in the woods. Pee anywhere.

These commercials are credited to JNT NY, and Depend is so proud of them that they posted them on YouTube on their two-month old  YouTube – DependVideo’s Channel.

There are no comments on that page, but it has, believe it or not, seven subscribers.

Huh?

Of course, if you can’t control your bladder, I suppose you have more pressing things to worry about besides how a diaper ad insults your intelligence.

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