January 10, 2014
I am always in search of ways of improving Mr. Blog’s Tepid Timewaster. And in fact, my legion of fans and readers (those two guys in the Ukraine jail) write me notes all the time about how to improve this site. And while I have no idea how to read Ukrainian, from the pictures they send me I think I’ll pass on their ideas. And also wipe my hard drive. Those are not pictures I want found on my computer.
So that leaves me with the other thing people say about this site: Be more funny. So I goggled “how to be funny” and, using the extremely scientific research method of clicking on whatever the first link was, I came upon a site where the fu-fu-fun-nay! author claimed that in order to be funny, you should use funny words.
Helpfully, the fu-fu-fun-nay! author also had a list of what he claimed were the top 1oo funny words in the English language. Here is a sample:
Clearly, this is not a funny guy. But hey, what won’t I do for my readers? I slogged through his lousy list, and though it made me cantankerous and gave me logorrhea, I picked out ten of his words and made a doozy of my own list, which you find @ here.
1- Cockalorum – A small, haughty man. This one is spot one, because any guy like that is clearly a dick.
2- Cockamamie – Absurd, outlandish. Like number one above, put “cock” into any word and the average man will laugh.
3- Codswallop – Nonsense, balderdash. Sounds dirty, isn’t.
4- Crapulence – Discomfort from eating or drinking too much. Work this into your everyday speech and see what happens.
5– Fartlek – An athletic training regime. And I say a fartlek is a small fart. “Joe looked around and let out a fartlek in the elevator. He blamed the dog.”
6- Firkin – A quarter barrel or small cask. Sounds like merkin, which is pretty darn funny.
7- Nincompoop – A foolish person. Any word with “poop” in it is a winner in my book.
8– Smellfungus – A perpetual pessimist. I like this because I picture a pessimist with an expression like he’d just smelled fungus. This word is just perfect.
9- Turdiform – Having the form of a lark. The word has “turd” in it. Having the form of a turd is more like it.
10- Eructation – A burp, belch. And pandiculation – A full body stretch. This is a twofer, and like codswallop, taken together they sound dirty butr aren’t.
Joe woke up in the morning, feeling tired but satisfied and, with a big eructation, had a pandiculation to start his day.