I love You Verizon, You Stupid A**hats. (UPDATED!)

26 Apr

April 26, 2010

I love Verizon, the giant corporate entity that consistently and completely fails to give me a strong cell signal, even when standing on one of the highest points in Staten Island with a direct line of sight to Manhattan. I’ve often thought that, with a good pair of binoculars, a partner, and some puppets, I could get better communication to lower Manhattan

I’ve avowed my love of Verizon before, notably here, but my love for them keeps growing, much like the fungus you find after a strong rain, so here is some more to keep you reading, or at least more to stare at while you more and more think about surfing for porn.

Last year I had to change my Verizon cell phone account. They had shut off my service for the indefensible reason that I had failed to pay my bill. Really, can you believe the nerve of them? Anyway, the phone was shut and to restore service I had to pay my bill in full, which I did. There was a reactivation fee but I managed to slip around it by opening a new account, which also made me eligible for some special offer of theirs. They would give me two lines, and I would give them more money. I thought it over and, tempting as it was, I declined. I kept my old phone number but got a new account number.

(I know what you are thinking. “Why,” you are thinking, “if he hates Verizon so much and gets such lousy service, does he continue using them as his cell phone provider?” The reason is that they give me a free phone every two years, and at the time of the cancellation I was only three months away from an upgrade. That’s why. And as for the other thing you are thinking, screw you too.)

Anyway, I paid them in full and they gave me my service back and everything was back to normal, meaning that I still get bad service but now I use that as an excuse as to why I don’t return anyone’s calls.

Then last month I got a bill to the old account, claiming that I owed them $20.41. How? I paid the account in full, and if I didn’t, they wouldn’t have let me open another account. The proof was in my hand. (My cellphone was in my hand. I don’t know what you were thinking, but it was my cellphone in my hand. Perverts.) Not that it worked very well. (STILL my cellphone. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

Since my online account and their automated phone help were linked to my new account, they were no help. And if you knew what I went through the last time I had to deal with a Verizon employee (did you click on the link above? I’ll wait. Here it is.) you’ll know why I didn’t even bother going down there and just cut them a check.

Fast forward to today, a month later, and I’m happy and about as well as can be until my two cell phone bills arrive.


Yes, two. My current bill (which is a full 20% taxes, thank you very much. 20%!) and a bill for my old account. Yes, the old which I had paid in full. Twice.

It was a bill for $0.01.

A penny.

They claim that I only paid $20.40, a penny less than they were owed. Do I have the stub to prove I paid the correct amount? A receipt? A cancelled check? A bank statement?

Of course not. So I sighed and wondered what to do. Send them a check for one cent? I’m pretty sure my bank will charge me some kind of fee. A money order? Pay 99 cents to send one cent? And waste a stamp? I couldn’t make an electronic payment as Verizon’s website links to my new account. This was a stupid as it gets.

Then it got stupider.

I looked a little more closely at the bill and, near the bottom, it said COURTESY BILL do not pay.

Rarely have I seen the words “courtesy” and “bill” together but there they were.

I think it would be more courteous to not send the bill and drop the whole matter, seeing as they do not want payment anyway.

They paid whatever printing and postage costs to send me a bill for one penny that they did not want paid in the first place. I’m sure Yogi Berra has a term for this.

So thank you Verizon, I love you. How can I ever think of leaving you? Where would my blog be without you?


April 29, 2010 

Just a few days later, those busy little angels at Verizon sent me this letter, with a bit of my editorializing added.

RE: Verizon Wireless Account Number ending with **** [my cancelled line]

Dear Customer.

Your Verizon Wireless statement is now available for viewing online.

Our records indicate that all wireless lines on your account have been disconnected. [Therefore my account is closed and there is nothing to see online.] While you can still view and pay your disconnected account online using My Verizon [There is no payment. The last bill was marked do not pay.] you will need to log in using your name rather than your former Verizon Wireless phone number. [I can’t. Everything is linked to my new account.]

Please note that any future bills will be sent to you in the mail. [So why the big push for me to view my bill online, which I can’t do in the first place, but even if I did, the account is closed and I owe nothing?]

We appreciate your business [I’m not so sure they do] and hope to be able to serve your wireless needs again in the future. [Future? They can barely get me connected across The Narrows now.]

eServices and Support
Verizon Wireless

One Response to “I love You Verizon, You Stupid A**hats. (UPDATED!)”

  1. texastrailerparktrash April 26, 2010 at 7:01 pm #

    Oh, Verizon…how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…

    A few years ago my (then) 87 year-old mother got conned into switching from her regular Verizon phone service to a new “bundled” service with Time Warner Cable (her t.v. cable company.) Time Warner let Verizon know the new phone service with them would start in two weeks. Verizon got pissed and promptly cancelled my mother’s phone service right away—not in two weeks. Here was my elderly mother without any phone!

    My son-in-law called Time Warner and they said they couldn’t connect her until the date they’d given Verizon and Verizon was giving my SIL the runaround (after spending about three hours on the phone with both companies.) Verizon said they couldn’t help her because she no longer was a customer!!!

    Long story short, Time Warner came out early and hooked her up. Their office is just down the block from her home and my SIL went there in person and refused to leave until they did something. Aarrgggghhh!


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