World’s Oldest Jokes

Over in England, a website with too much time on its hands commissioned a search to find the world’s oldest jokes. Here they are, from http://uktv.co.uk/dave/item/aid/604717, the ten oldest jokes in the world:

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon’s load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon’s load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, “I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye.” And she answered him: “Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?” (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!” No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey – his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: “Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?” “No your Highness,” he replied, “but my father was.” (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said “I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.” (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: “In silence.” (Collected in the Philogelos or “Laughter-Lover” the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

HA HA HA! Hoooo, whoa, …. just let me catch my breath……Sumerian fart jokes always crack me up!

And how about number eight, insulting Augustus’ mother! I hope he ended up rowing the Imperial galley for that one!

But number four? I think The Lockhorns did that last week.

Well, I’ve got a quibble. Number six, The Riddle of the Sphinx, is just that, a riddle, not a joke. And number five is not even close to a joke- just ask Polyphemus, who ended up with a sharp stick in his one eye. And what about number three? I didn’t finish it- it got too boring. What was it about? A guy fucked an ox, was that it?

The problem is that the best ancient jokes were never written down. In fact, many of the best jokes come straight from prehistory, long before written language. In fact, humor archeologists from the prestigious Caroline’s Comedy Club and University have been scouring the world for artifacts and fossilized remains of the world’s oldest jokes. Here then, are three of the oldest examples of caveman humor:

1- Caveman Oog snuck up behind Caveman Plawg and stuck a piece of mastodon meat in his hair. A saber-tooth tiger ate him. (2,000,000 BC)

2- Caveman 1: “Knock knock”
    Caveman 2: “Who there?”
    Caveman 1 hits caveman 2 with club, steals his woman (Wednesday, 2,187,418 BC)

3- Caveman standup comic: (taps rock)- “Am this thing on? But seriously, what am deal with wooly mammoth? Why elephant need sweater?” (January 13^th, 1,999,847 BC, at Gork’s Laugh Cavern)

As we speak, a combined team of British and American humor scientists, led by the esteemed Professor “Slappy” Williams, are conducting research deep in the Arctic permafrost in the attempt to drill into the crust and find the world’s oldest dirty limerick.

We wish them well in their efforts.