from June 15, 2008
No fancy story today, just good old questions and answers, you know, the stuff Mr. Know-It-All is so good at, with lots of dirty words.
Today I will be answering questions exclusively from Ask the Rabbi. Mazel Tov!
From: Joseph Levy in London – sarahmichele@btinternet.com –
If the World to Come (the afterlife) is the ultimate perfect world that we aspire to go when we die, then why are we constantly wishing everyone to “have a long life”? Surely if the World to Come is so wonderful, shouldn’t we wish less years in this world, in order to sooner reach the World to Come?
Well kid, you’ve hit on a sore spot. Years ago a young man I’ll call Son of Sam asked me the same question. The results got him into a big mess, and caused me not a bit of angst as well. I’ll tell you what I told the cops- No Comment.
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PURIM DRINKING DANGERS
From: –anonymous
I’m told that it’s a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.
I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. What do the rabbis say about this?
Am I Jewish? I am now! Everyday is Purim! Circumcisions for everybody!
If God wants me to drink, who the Hell am I to argue? So you stopped drinking for 22 years? Fuck, it’s time to start again. Why the fuck don’t you want to drink? I don’t want to hear any cirrhosis of the liver shit, or your aunt died of alcohol poisoning, or you ran over your dog and knocked up your cat while you were drunk. Might as well cut your cock off if you won’t drink, you ain’t a man. If Mr. Know-It-All didn’t drink he would never in a bazillion years be able to face the train wreck of his life. The same goes for cocaine, Quaaludes, and crack.
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Circumcision Suction
From: Sharon C.
I read in the newspaper that a Jewish baby contracted herpes simplex virus after being circumcised by a mohel who used his mouth to draw blood from the infant’s wound. Is this oral contact sanctioned by Jewish tradition?
WHOA! Whoa whoa whoa! What the FUCK did I just read? What the FUCK? They circumcised a kid (A boy, right? Mr. Know-It-All just wants to be clear.) and the guy who cut him also sucked him off? A GUY? What is this shit about “drawing blood?” I bet this guy wanted to draw some salty white wine into his mouth. Look, Mr. K-I-A is as gay friendly as the next guy, lord knows I’ve woken up next to some real beastly trannies lately, but WHOA WHOA WHOA! This isn’t right! I am all for a little kinky fun with knives, but keep them away from my dick- I can’t risk any more damage down there, bad enough I pee into an IV. So this kid is held down, cut, and got his cock sucked? I’ve had worse nights. But jeez, a rabbi and a kid? (Why am I surprised?) Aw Hell, who am I kidding? I’ll settle for a rabbi whacking me off with an egg beater most nights. Go kid!
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Screw the rabbi, I’m going to another old fave, Harriette Cole:
DEAR HARRIETTE: Would you mind settling a debate? My husband thinks that “business casual” means jeans and a button-down shirt with loafers. I think jeans are totally inappropriate in the workplace. We’re both in the legal profession, and I simply would not dare walk into my office in jeans, but my husband does it every Friday without fail. What’s your take? – Casilda, L.I.
“Business casual” means different things for different people. For men; sweat pants, old fraternity t-shirt with dirty slogan, no shoes. For women: thong. For ugly women: thong and bag over head. For fat women: take Casual Friday off, no one wants to look at you. Casual Friday is the day where women give blow jobs in the break room, right? Damn, I wish I could hold a job.
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DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother is dating a much older woman. His new “girlfriend” is our mother’s age. I’ve met her, and she’s nice enough, but she’s definitely in her 50s and my brother has never even entertained women over 25. What’s this all about? I think it’s gross!
You fucking asshole! Who doesn’t want to bag a MILF? When a woman in her 50’s is dating a guy in his twenties then all she wants is sex sex and more sex. You want to know what to do? Get in on it! She’s open for anything! Everything! Three-ways, ten-ways, she’ll open every input for you! Put in her elbow if you want! And what is your mother’s name and phone number? If she’s cool with this them I really want to soil her.
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Before I go, I just wonder why people accuse me of being sexist?
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
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