Your Questions, My Advice

In today’s blog, I will answer real letters sent to America’s leading advice columns. First up: Harriet Cole.
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Dear Harriette: I’ve been married for more than 32 years. About two months ago, my husband took me on what was supposed to be a romantic evening out. Instead, he broke up with me in front of the entire restaurant. Although I was totally devastated, I allowed him to stay in the apartment until he found a new place. I thought the transition would be hard for both of us, but he immediately started dating, even bringing women to the apartment. With no sign of reconciliation in sight, I want him out! Although I have asked him to move out several times, he says he will leave only when he is ready and not when it is convenient for me. How do I get him out?

 Carmen from the Bronx

Step off Harriet, I’ll handle this.
First of all, that is a real man! This guy dumped you in public, then stayed in the house, brought women home, and totally disrespected you. You want him out? Obviously, there is something wrong with you. He dumped you after 32 years of marriage. You must have really let yourself go. I bet you’re old, fat, and ugly. Obviously you have no self-esteem. Take a good look in the mirror. You have no shot at getting a man now. My advice to you- go on a diet, get a face-lift and new boobs. Beg him to take you back and give him oral whenever and wherever he wants it. Face it- he is your only hope.

Next up- Dear Abbey
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DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my only child, “Gwendolyn,” who is now 32, had her first baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born during the exact week that my husband — her stepfather — and I attend his family reunion. (It is something we have done for the last 15 years.)

Gwendolyn is now incensed because we plan to attend the reunion instead of her baby’s birthday party. (We were with her for the baby’s birth and his first birthday party.)

I offered to compromise by having a separate celebration either before or after the reunion week, but she refused. She accuses me of putting my husband’s family ahead of her and does not understand why we can’t postpone or change our plans. Abby, my husband’s family is scattered across the country and this is the only time we see them. Can you offer me any advice? — PULLED IN TWO IN S. CAROLINA

I’ll take this one, Abbey. Go back to the vault.
You bitch. What kind of a grandmother are you????? This is your only grandchild and you’re going to skip the birthday to see some schmucky family members that are too busy to visit you and make you come to them on their terms once a year? Who needs them? And they aren’t even your relatives- they’re your husbands! Let the lousy father go to his stupid reunion and you go to the kids party- it’s your freakin’ daughter and granddaughter! I’m embarrassed by you.

And finally, Miss Manners.
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Dear Miss Manners:

I recently visited a remote tropical island where, upon my departure, the local inhabitants insisted on killing and eating a giant sea turtle in my honor. I do eat meat, but not turtle. Though I thanked them and ate it with a smile, was that the wrong thing to do?

“Miss” Manners? Aren’t you like 1,000 years old? Anyway,
Damn right you were right! Think about it- if they’re so eager to slaughter a turtle, who knows what these cannibals would have done to you? Your problem is that you should never have left the United States. The rest of the world has nothing for us, especially this freak-o third world nation you visited. What were you doing there anyway? Are some kind of liberal peace-corp hippie? Get your ass back to America, put on a suit and vote republican. You’re crying over eating a turtle? Be a man! Go out and killl a deer, skin it clean and eat the meat raw out in the forest. Write back to me after your nuts drop.

Well, that’s all for this blog. If you have any questions for me, I’ll be happy to offer my advice on any topic. Until next time, remember- God helps those who help thenselves, and for all others there’s me.