Tag Archives: toilets

Priorities First.

24 Mar

March 24, 2011

Quick- your toilet or your cell phone?

You can only have one. Which is it?

I choose the toilet.

Let me say up front that I am a cell phone owner. I am not a cell phone user. My phone is rarely, if ever, on. My theory on cell phone ownership is this: I am not a doctor or a lawyer. I am not on call at all hours of the day or night. If I am out doing something I don’t want to talk to people with whom I can talk to any other time. I don’t need to be on the grid 24/7. My phone is for my convenience. It is there in case I have to make a call. I don’t make frivolous calls. I have never called someone to say “where you at?” My phone calls don’t include the phrase “just chillin’.”

This is why people buy answering machines. Unless you are a professional or a corporation, you don’t have an answering machine to get the important calls you miss when you’re out, you have it to screen calls so you can avoid them. So if I am avoiding calls at home why would I answer any ring when I’m out?

I can hear the arguments now: What if it is an important call? If I am expecting an important call I am not at a ball game in a crowded stadium. If my wife is pregnant and may go into labor at any minute I am not venturing more than two minutes away from home. Don’t look for me in Baltimore. What about an unexpected emergency? Really, how many emergency calls have you gotten in your life? I haven’t gotten any. Odds are I won’t miss one if I go out. If an emergency happens at night I can be reached at home. During the day get me at work. The odds are on my side that I won’t get an emergency call while pumping gas, and the rules say I can’t use the cell phone then anyway.

The usefulness of my toilet is so obvious that I won’t go into it. I will simply link to the blog entitled No Toilet No Bride if you need an explanation.

Of course I am used to the toilets (and toilet paper) of the modern world. What would the answer be in Cambodia?

40 percent of Cambodians have cell phones? I have trouble believing that. How can they afford them? From all I have seen of Cambodia it is A- extremely poor and B- extremely poor. It is also underdeveloped and extremely poor.

“Hello, Sam?”
“Yes.”
“Where you at?”
“Starving.”

Cambodia once had the thriving civilization of the Khmer Empire. Its capitol city, Angkor, was the seat of government for a civilization of over 3 million. Not a single one of them had a cell phone. And no, it is irrelevant that cell phones were invented maybe five hundred years after the civilization declined and disappeared. My point stands- they valued toilets over cell phones.

So imagine the embarrassment of the guy sent to Cambodia to convince them to use toilets. This could not have been a glamour assignment. This seems like the sort of job given to the new guy.

“Earl, I have a job for you. It is a very important overseas assignment.”
“My name is Louis.”
“Earl, you leave tomorrow morning for Cambodia.”
“What am I going there for?”
“We’ll brief you when you arrive.”

And then it is too late to back out or quit.

On the other hand, put yourself in the place of the farmer singled out for producing the most excrement of anyone in the village. If he’s anything like me, he took it in stride. I’m sure he stood up, gave a small but awkward smile, waved to the crowd, and announced that he’s ready to take on all challengers. I hope a championship belt and a Wrestlemania match come with this title.

I wonder if Oprah knows about this? She needs to make them sign her no cell phone pledge.

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Some News You May Have Missed

30 Mar

March 30, 2010

I love the alternative press. Sure, your daily paper reported on the recent Health Care bill, but did it report on the Giant African Snail smugglers? You may have read about the Moscow subway bombing, but did you read about the Holy Temple Toilets of Japan? Or the woman who assaulted a police officer by squirting breast milk at her? I doubt it.

The alternative press is where you learn about exploding hens, Yeti sightings, government cattle mutilation conspiracies, and all sorts of things you may not want to know about genetically altered sea slugs. The snooty New York Times may ignore these legitimate and all too freaky stories, but not me.

So as part of my ongoing attempt to educate the American public to a fifth grade level, here are some stories you may have missed.

Florida’s Agriculture Department, acting on a tip, confiscated Giant African Snails believed to have been smuggled into the country by Charles Stewart of Hialeah, Fla., for use in the religion Ifa Orisha, which encourages followers to drink the snails’ mucus for its supposed healing powers. Actually, said the department (joined in the investigation by two federal agencies), bacteria in the mucus causes frequent violent vomiting, among other symptoms. At press time, Stewart had not been charged with a crime. [Miami Herald, 3-10-10]

Ugh, I’m feeling a little sick right now. I may have had some of that mucus.
Seriously, I get freedom of religion and all that, but any religion that encourages the drinking of snail mucus is seriously screwed up. It is as bad as Scientology but with the added benefit of no Tom Cruise.

Japan’s Mantokuji temple in Gumma province was historically the place where women went to cleanse themselves in divorce, aided by the temple’s iconic toilets, into which the bad spirits from the failed liaisons could be shed and flushed forever. The toilets have been modernized, according to a February Reuters dispatch, and today the temple is used by the faithful to rid themselves of all types of problems. (The upgrades also permitted a solution to a longstanding annoyance at the temple, of visitors mistaking the iconic toilets for regular commodes.) [Reuters, 2-26-10]

Toilets are a fascinating subject (see No Toilet No Bride) because they cross ethnic, racial, religious, political lines. From the youngest to the oldest, no matter where we may have been born of currently live, we all have to take a crap.  I’m “relieved” to know that people no longer confuse the two types of toilets, though even regular toilets can be used to rid people of “bad spirits.” I have personally used the facilities in both Yale University and Harvard (for more on Harvard toilets, click here, and Yale toilets here), so I know whereof I speak.

Toni Tramel, 31, angry at being jailed in Owensboro, Ky., for public intoxication in March, had “assaulting a police officer” added to the charges when, changing into a jail uniform, she allegedly pointed her lactating breast at a female officer and squirted her in the face. [Herald-Dispatch (Huntington, W.Va.), 3-6-10]

Is this an assault? I guess it is, though there are some people who’d pay plenty of money for that in Times Square. Not that I’d know anything about that, no sir, not me. I’m not sure what she could be charged with – assault with a deadly boob? Indecent exposure with an intent to wet? There are some other questions unanswered in this article. How close was the officer? What was the range of the breast milk? Just how close was the female officer to the breast in question and did it lead to any fun like in those late night Cinemax films where women in jail and prison guards mix like peanut butter and KY jelly? Probably not.

Really, though, why waste perfectly good breast milk when you can follow the lead of this New York City couple?

It’s a simple recipe, said A-List New York City chef Daniel Angerer: a cheese derived from the breast milk of his wife, who is nursing the couple’s 3-month-old daughter. As a chef, he said, “you look out for something new and what you can do with it,” and what Angerer could do is make about two quarts of “flavor(ful)” cheese out of two gallons of mother’s milk. “(T)astes just like really sweet cow’s milk.” He posted the recipe, “My Spouse’s Mommy Milk Cheese,” on his blog and invited readers’ participation: “Our baby has plenty (of) back-up mother’s milk in the freezer, so whoever wants to try it is welcome to try it as long as supply lasts (please consider cheese aging time).” [New York, 3-2-10]

If it is a choice between this and licking that Giant African Snail, I may go for the snail.

That’s your news roundup for this week. Check back next time for more news the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know.

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