Tag Archives: Superman

This blog is not about horseback riding

9 Nov

from November 4, 2006

I’m tired. And like there is no better time to drive than when you are drunk, there is no better time to write a blog than when you are tired.

I like writing. I get to say the most ridiculous things and since nobody reads this blog, (OK, except you- whoever you are) nobody ever complains. For example, I could write that “I can’t stand the way all those science teachers get away with hurling feces around the cafeteria” and no one would call me on it. Likewise, I could write that “I have banged every woman in the Phi Beta Epsilon fraternity” and no one would ever write to me to say “Hey dumbass- women join sororities, not fraternities.” Yes, that kind of inaccurate misinformation is my stock in trade. (And isn’t misinformation inaccurate by definition? That’s why I need an editor.)

Blogs usually are about stuff. Stuff like topics. Interesting topics are good. So I’ve got a list of topics that I can choose from. Here it is:

– Why I want to destroy the lives of three of my coworkers.
– Oreo cookies- good, huh?
– What happened to the plaid shirt I’m sure I put in the drycleaners but didn’t get with the rest my clothes?
– Ten great things about Michelle Gerber.
– A review of the TV show Lost
– Who says I can’t own a gun?
– You talkin’ to me?
– I have an idea for an invention.

Well, to be totally honest (I do that sometimes) I don’t want to write about any of those. I think that this blog will be a sort of metafiction thing, something post-something-or-other, stream-of-consciousness, too-many-hyphens kind of thing. Something with literary pretensions but most likely crappy, with a dash of the aforementioned “inaccurate misinformation.”

Just saw William Shatner on a commercial. What is he, 80 years old? The guy has all the acting skills of a less talented Adam West yet he’s got like a dozen Emmy Awards and love of Trek Geeks worldwide. Aw, who am I kidding- I’d love to be William Shatner! Who wouldn’t? The guy is rich up the wazoo and everybody loves him. (OK, except for the people he worked with. They all hate him. James Doohan’s last words on his deathbed were “fuck Shatner, that bald prick.” What- they weren’t? They should have been. That would have rocked.) Ever hear his version of “Mr. Tambourine Man”?

And come to think of it, I seem to have a problem with this keyboard. Oh sure, this blog looks all neat and professional but that damn keyboard doesn’t do caps well. Every cap that you see here was originally lowercase and I had to go back and fix it. I suppose I could do an e e cummings thing (“cummings,” huh huh- “Hey Beavis- he said “cummings.” “Whoa Butthead- you said it too!” “Cool. I said ‘cummings’ uh huh huh.”) –where was I? Oh- I suppose I could do an e e cummings (still funny!) thing and write all in lowercase but I say that e e was an ass ass. Pretentious dwad, all full of himself, all like “I’m going to write without any capital letters. You all suck if you use caps. I’m E E CUMMINGS, BITCH!” Nope, that’s not for me. I’m a man of the people. And the common man uses capital letters. When he’s not stoned.

Now a word about the common man. The common man blows. There. I’ve said it. The average guy is a jerk. No ambition. No brains. Stuck in a lousy job being kept down by the man, owing money to the Fed and living paycheck to almost paycheck. Get up, go to work, go home, start over the next day. And the common woman? Have you ever been to Jersey? My God, what a state full of the lowest common denominator. So the average person is not worth that time I’ve taken to type all of this and go over all the lowercase letters to make them caps. Do I sound like a snob? Damn right I am. Or maybe I’m not. I said at the outset that I’m tired. I don’t know what I’m doing. People seem to think I’m a nice guy. Or are they all lying to me? Hmmmmm……… (See? Told you I’m tired.)

Ever notice that you never see Clark Kent and Superman in the same place at the same time? For seventy freakin’ years Lois Lane never put two and two together. All he did was put on a pair of glasses. You’re supposed to be a reporter! How stupid are you?

I’ve noticed it too. I tend to rant and yell in these things. Or worse, when Mr. Know-It-All shows up to give advice, I’ll write things I never would say in front of an actual person.

 And I’m never going to stop. Unless I fall asleep.

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My take on Superman Returns (almost as long as the film)

7 Nov

from July 2006

Saw Superman Returns tonight.

Lets go over the actors. Brandon Roush (Routh, Rude, whatever) is very very good. As Clark, he was just like Chris Reeve. Funny and nerdy, really like a totally different person. No wonder nobody (but the kid) can see the resemblance.

Lois Lane, whoever the actress was, I can never remember her name. While I don’t think  she was a tough enough reporter, she was lightyears ahead of Margot Kidder, who, besides being fugly, was so annoying that I can’t believe that Supes never used his Super-vision to see what a scud she was. This new Lois was actually pretty good.

Kevy Kev Spacey- very Gene Hackman-like. Hackman was a little more comedic, Spacey a little darker, but I could believe that they were the same person.

Jimmy Olsen- good. Liked him. Ditto for Perry White, and James (Cyclops) Marsden was perfectly adequate as Richard.

Good to see Marlon Brando back on the screen. Glad to see he’s not letting a little thing like being dead hold back his career.

Was that Kumar as Lex’s Henchman?

Lotsa cameos- Noel  Neil, Jack Larsen, and Richard Bransen. Bransen? WTF was he doing there?

Before I get into the film, one thing I must mention- SPIDER-MAN 3 TRAILER!!!!!!!!! Awesome- Sandman,  Goblin, and the alien symbiote and Eddie Brock! If you knew the comic story they’re doing, you’d be excited too- VENOM IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, Clerks 2. Kevin Smith has just given up, hasn’t he?

OK, so we got the actors out of the way.

I saw this at Sheepshead Bay. At the big theaters, the best seat is the top row, middle seat. You are looking straight at the screen, no looking up or down at it. In the center, you are perfectly seated for all the action no matter where. It puts you right in the movie. Well, I didn’t get that seat. Some tool was already sitting there. We were like the 18th and 19th in line, and when they let us in I zipped around most of the people and rushed up the steps, and the guy who was number one in line beat me to it. I sat two seats to the right of center, not bad. Too bad I had to knock over some old lady to get there. Ah well, such is life.

BTW- $16 dollars for a large popcorn and two drinks. If we wanted candy I would have had to sell my car.

The theater was packed and we ended up seated with two very quiet children on either side of us, and in front of us was a very small middle aged couple who never even looked at each other the whole time we were there. There were a lot of kids in the place, but there was a very nice oasis of quiet around us and I just lucked out.

Trailers ended, movie starts up, classic Superman music and credits! OK, I marked out here, but I was set up for this. I felt like a kid again- until I remembered that I paid full price. (OK, enough carping about prices.)

Luthor is swindling an old lady out of her fortune, and she says that he “gave her pleasure like she never experienced before” giving rise to the unpleasant question “did Lex sleep with that brittle mummy?” Ewwwwww, that’s pure evil, Lex.

Supes comes back to Earth and here I was very pleased that the ship was faithful to both the original film and the current comics. In fact, DC just ended a story with Supes and Luthor that was very similar to the movie in some places. Very cool.

Flashback to Clark’s days on the farm, and if I had his powers in high school, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be spending time in the wheat field, if you know what I mean. In high school I pretty much hung out with the same two or three guys and did pretty much nothing but keep to myself. Kind of like me in high school now. Now imagine me able to see through things and move at super speed. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Or not. Whatever.

Clark goes back to the Daily Planet and sees Lois Lane again. Now, there’s a lot I could say about the Clark-Lois “relationship” but I won’t since it was all too painful to watch. Poor Clark, watching the woman he loves all the time, working with her, being with her just an arm’s length away, lust in his eyes, watching her every move, longing for- but really, I just can’t relate to him. What a strange man.

Jimmy, though, that’s another story. Clearly, director Bryan Singer left a lot on the cutting room floor. All we got to see were the glances, the hints, the bare bones of the homosexual love that Jimmy Olsen has for Clark Kent. As Richard (Dick) said, “Jimmy couldn’t stop talking about you.” I think that Singer must have had something more in mind than just making Jimmy Clark’s “pal.” This was a man, a boy really, who both looked up to and desired Kent. More than just a mentor, Jimmy wanted a man to teach him the ways of man to man physicality. I think that when the director’s cut comes out there will be a lot more to their “relationship.” It really is no coincidence that Jimmy fondles his camera with the long lens throughout the film. Olsen has clearly sublimated his desire for men here.

Then the airplane sequence hits. Wow! Great! One of the best action sequences I’ve seen in a while. Very realistic, even down to the thin skin of the plane rippling under the pressure. Supes lands the plane, gives his “flying is still the safest way to travel,” strikes a heroic pose, and he’s off! Superman is back! Poor Lois, the fickle woman, passes out from the sheer masculinity of the man. Get in line lady, Jimmy saw him first.

Luthor and Evil Kumar are up to no good. Spacey wears some wigs. Good line from Parker Posey “You act like you’ve been here before.” He was there before- Superman Two. General Zod brought him there! Luthor steals some crystals and watches an old Brando movie, On The Waterfront, I think.  Then it’s off to the Evil Luthor Super Boat that I would give pretty much anything to own. The boat has it all- even a pool table. That’s how you know Lex is evil- he’s outfitted his boat with a game that it is impossible to play on the swaying ocean. Just because he can! I bet he also has a killer Jenga set too.

Supes saves Parker Posey while Lex steals some kryptonite. Oh that wacky Lex! Supes also rescues a man from a fire and kills the leaders of Hamas, just to do Israel a solid. All the while, Lois wants to follow up on the power outage while Perry white, the savvy newspaperman he is, ignores the real news and has Lois do what everyone else in town is doing- try to get an interview with Superman. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, that Perry White. Give Lois some slack- she won a Pulitzer, for god’s sake. “Why the World Doesn’t Need A Superman.” Pretty ballsy from the woman who would have died ten times over if it wasn’t for Superman. I think it was all the influence of Professor X. (Stick with me here.) While Superman has been away, the X-Men have had two blockbuster films. They were directed by Superman director Bryan Singer and starred Superman co-star James Marsten as Cyclops. Now Bryan Singer left the X-Men to do this film, so you know they weren’t happy. Therefore, Professor Xavier was trying to sabotage this movie so the X-Men would continue to rule the superhero genre. (At least until Spider-Man 3 comes out.)

Supes and Lois go flying, and for some reason she still doesn’t leave Richard, even though Superman can like, fly and stuff.

Luthor kidnaps Lois and knows what we all knew an hour earlier- that’s Superboy there! Goofy looking, hippie hair Superboy with asthma. I guess Kal-El doesn’t have the greatest DNA, or Lois’s family tree is just a mess of recessive genes.

Cool part where Supes just lets the bullets bounce off his chest, and eye!

Lex starts his evil scheme to corner the real estate market. When he’s finished, he’ll have high-end casinos and resorts on every inch of beachfront property in the world. No one will be able to go on vacation without Luthor getting a cut. Then he’ll jack up the rent. Along the line billions of people will die. Oh yeah- he laced it with Kryptonite so people from Krypton will be unable to vacation on his island. He’ll have the world’s biggest restricted country club. He’ll let in Jews, but no one from space. He’s an anti-Kryptite, the bald bastard.

Richard does some stuff with a seaplane.

Lex kicks the crap out of a depowered Superman. Without his powers, it turns out the Supes has a glass jaw and can’t take a punch. He curled up like an earthworm while Lex got him with a kryptonite shiv. Of course, you can’t keep Superman down, so we’ll skip to the end.

Superman is down (yeah yeah) and in the hospital. Here is where I think the film dragged and brought the movie down from almost 4 stars to about 31/4. We all knew he wouldn’t die. YOU CAN’T KILL FREAKIN’ SUPERMAN! THERE HAVE TO BE SEQUELS! Just like Jesus, he got stabbed in the side, died for us, and was reborn. Yada yada yada. He got better.

Bottom line, I enjoyed this film, even though I thought that it was a bit heavy handed in places. I really don’t have any major complaints, though I wanted to see more of Lex’s henchman with the camera. He must have an interesting backstory. I think he must have been a Hollywood movie director at some point, who was involved with a DVD pirating operation. He went to jail and met Lex Luthor. Lex saw the potential in him and made him the official cameraman of Lexcorp. Lex does all the evil work and he edits it together into documentaries that he enters in the Sundance Film Festival.

If you like these types of movies, this is the movie for you. It has everything that you want to see in a Superman movie- Superman. If it had Captain Kirk it would not have been a Superman movie, and Warner Brothers would also have a lawsuit on their hands.

Nic Cage plays a firefighter in World Trade Center. UGH! Another 9/11 movie. GAH! What’s the connection? Nic Cage was once almost signed to play Superman in this film. Can you imagine a bald Superman? What’s next- a black JFK?

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