from May 19, 2008
Running the ELA Component Retest is like being a one-man Regents Exam. I decide who is eligible for the test, get the tests when they are sent over, organize the entire running of the exam, proctor the exam, coordinate the marking of the exam, and answer any question about the exam. Luckily there are only seventeen kids taking the exam, so it isn’t much of a stretch.
The test is pretty much just Regents Exam for Dummies. The State wants kids to pass the Regents tests, and darn it, they are going to pass, even if the State needs to send a school aide to each kid to personally whisper the correct answers in their ears.
The criteria for who gets to take the Component Retest is simple. There are some kids who have taken the Regents exam two, three, eight, a dozen times and have not passed. These kids, instead of being given the mercy of just being allowed to get the heck out of school, are given a make-up test if their grades on even one of the tests wasn’t too totally disgusting.
For example, David Schwimmer, to pick a name at random, has barely ever attended his English classes but has taken the Regents Exam twice. The first time he put in his usual lack of effort and scored a 28. The next time David Schwimmer got lucky. By sheer fortune, he guessed all of the multiple choice answers (that was the year all of the answers were “D”) and wrote enough gibberish to score a 54.
“Well,” says the touchy-feely State. “It really is a shame that a hard-working lad like David Schwimmer came oh so close to passing. Let’s give him another chance.” So the kid’s teachers, who never see him and barely recognize him, track him down in the guidance counselors office, where he is on the phone calling his girlfriend, and give him his ELA Component Retest admission.
David Schwimmer loves the idea. Because although he has less of a chance of passing than a flying tomato at the beach, in his mind he thinks that if he passes the test he’ll get a diploma, so he shows up.
The sad truth is, even a non-cranium like our David Schwimmer can pass this test because the State has dumbed it down so much. It all began with the June Regents exam, which was already dumbed down from the previous year so these kids can pass and gosh, they’ll feel good about themselves. Then they’ll be prepared for the high-stakes career of washing and vacuuming my car.
If somehow the State failed and some kids didn’t pass, they could take the January exam, which is the dumbed down version of the already dumbed down test.
So here’s Davis Schwimmer, having twice failed a test so simplified that your average Iowa dairy cow could do reasonably well. But luckily for him, the ELA Component Retest is only a portion of the Regents exam. He doesn’t even have to take the entire test. He only has to retake the part of the test he did the worst on. Granted, both parts were lousy, but if he did a hair better on one part (but still failing) than he did on the other, the State turns a blind eye to the “better” part and only requires him to take the very worst part again.
David Schwimmer shows up on test day expecting to write two essays. Would the State be so mean as to ruin his self-esteem by making him do something for which he was clearly unable? No, that would be cruel. For this test the State only requires David Schwimmer to write a paragraph of 3 to 5 sentences. And he will get full Regents credit! What a nice State! And how smart David Schwimmer must be to pass his Regents Exam!
Of course, it is a five day exam. But the State, caring for the fact that David Schwimmer likes to cut, allows him to miss a day. And the State, mindful of the fact that David Schwimmer likes to leave school early, only runs the test for 50 minutes. Isn’t great that David Schwimmer lives in a state that cares so much for his education?
The ELA Component Retest is unabashedly to pump up the States figures. How else to explain the fact that David Schwimmer passed his component retest?
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
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