Tag Archives: quotes

The Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen Game

28 Feb

February 28, 2011

How well do you know your Hollywood lunatics?

Five of these quotes are from crazy Hollywood racist Mel Gibson. The other five are from loony Hollywood maniac Charlie Sheen. Try to identify who said what. Answers are below. No peeking!

A- “I am one tough motherfucker and you can’t bother me anymore. You ask anybody what their number one fear is and it’s public humiliation. Multiply that on a global scale and that’s what I’ve been through. It changes you and makes you one tough motherfucker. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

B- “I’ll apologize when hell freezes over. They can fuck off.”

C- “I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

D- “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

E- “I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro.”

F- “I want to kill him…I want his intestines on a stick… I want to kill his dog.”

G- “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”

H- “I own Malibu… I am going to fuck you.”

I- “I am going to come and burn the fucking house down… but you will blow me first.”

J- “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”

BONUS QUESTION

Which celebrity designer said this?

“You’re so ugly I can’t bear looking at you. You’re wearing cheap boots, cheap thigh boots. You’ve got no hair, your eyebrows are ugly, you’re ugly, you’re nothing but a whore.”
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ANSWERS
Mel Gibson said A, B, F, H, and I
Charlie Sheen said C, D, E, G,and J
John Galiano is the asshole designer.

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HYPERIZIN’ ILL-DUNKIFICATION! and Other Words I Live By

1 Feb

February 1, 2010

I saw that on a billboard advertising Gatorade. Or “G” as they now call it. Like “Gatorade” is too hard to remember. Anyway, on with the blog. (Or “B” as I call it.)

Great quotes by great people. Wisdom. Words to live by and other crap. Below is a list of some of the quotes that I find particularly relevant and useful. Hey, if I find them worthy, why shouldn’t you? (Besides that fact that you may be better educated or wiser than me, I mean.)

I felt like poisoning a monk- Umberto Eco
Right up there with “Because it was there” and “Why do you rob banks? Because that’s where the money is” is this gem. Umberto Eco came up with this when asked “Why did you write The Name of the Rose?” I think it is much nicer than saying F- you. Think about it. The next time some idiot asks you why you did so and so, just answer “Because I felt like poisoning a monk.” That’ll shut them up.

The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity- Harlan Ellison
Who doesn’t love Harlan Ellison, one of our time’s most curmudgeonly smug writers and all around cuddly cynical warmth? Is any of that even possible? Anyway, hydrogen is the most abundant element in the universe, fueling suns, thus explaining why there is so much stupidity- everyone is full of hot air.

Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority- Dr. Who, The Wheel in Space
(I follow Harlan Ellison with Doctor Who for no other reason than Ellison once wrote an introduction for some Doctor Who novels. Simple as that.)
I’m not saying that Doctor Who coined that phrase, but that was the first time I heard it so it will forever be a Doctor Who quote in my book. And since this is my blog, it is my book.

If one is to be called a liar, one may as well make an effort to deserve the name- AA Milne
The creator of Winnie the Pooh said that? What a creep.

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either- Jack Benny
In other words, shit happens, so if you happen to stumble into something good, shut up, take the money, and run. Jack Benny should know. In one of his most famous bits, he was asked at gunpoint “your money or your life.” After a long pause, the gunman demanded an answer. Benny responded with “Wait a minute, I’m thinking!” What a genius. He didn’t even poop his pants.

Often in life one is confronted with a situation that demands a classy reply. One can do worse than one of these classy gems. If none of them leap to mind, you can still shout HYPERIZIN’ ILL-DUNKIFICATION! and run.

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