Tag Archives: Mr. Know-It-All

Mr. Know-It-All: Return of the King

11 Nov

from November 14, 2006

Time again for Mr. Know-It-All’s favorite column: Mr. Know-It-All.

Once again, I’ll give advice  to those poor souls stupid enough to pour their pathetic hearts out in a national forum. My one regret is that these are anonymous letters. Otherwise they’d get the public shame and humiliation these tools deserve. (Is Mr. Know-It-All harsh? Of course he is. That’s what makes him charming.)

Let’s start it off with my favorite senile throwback to the good old days, the 1950’s. (You remember the 1950’s: When suburbia meant no black people, Jews were kept out of country clubs, women kept house and wore pearls, and McCarthyism ran wild, but damn if everyone didn’t write thank you notes with beautiful calligraphy.) Take it, Ms. Manners.

Dear Miss Manners:

Every morning, I come into work and the woman in the next office says “Good morning,” and I say “Good morning” back. Actually, I’m just not in the mood for good mornings in the morning, but I don’t want to be rude. So, okay, I’m not a very friendly person first thing in the morning. I admit it. Does this ever reach a point where this woman risks being just a tad rude, or at least passive-aggressive, by continuing to say “Good morning”? I never say “Good morning” first and she must have noticed that.

Mr. Know-It-All has often wondered the same thing. Many’s the time when Mr. K would stumble into the office, half-baked after an evening of peyote and Cleveland Steamers, when some tool would have the nerve to come up to him and say “Good  morning.” This aggressive and obnoxious behavior has, more than once, given Mr. Know-It-All pause. “Should I just kill this turd now, or save it for later, when I can put on a mask and possibly get away with it?” Inevitably, Mr. Know-It-All stumbles to his office, falls asleep behind the bookcase, and awakes long after dark when the offender has already left. One must wonder- who actually pays Mr. Know-it-All for that?

————————————————–

OK, hopefully this next bit will a tad more helpful. From Harriette Cole’s column.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have just starting dating again after s-o-o-o-o long that I’ve forgotten the basics (or maybe they’ve changed!). I met a girl I really like her and don’t want to louse things up. The first time we went out I wanted to take her hand but didn’t, because I didn’t know if it was acceptable to do so. We did, however, kiss goodbye.

I am meeting her again tomorrow and would like your advice on whether hand-holding is acceptable, expected, a no-no or whatever on a second date. Thanks in advance.

Lawrence, Greenville, Miss

Dear Lawrence. I have taken the liberty of forwarding your letter to AARP. Here is your response from Mortimer Thaddeus Prescott, a spry young gent of 97.

Hello sonny. Holding hands, eh? Back in my day, 1925, we didn’t hold hands until after the wedding night. Back them we didn’t see any skin of the opposite gender until nigh about the fifth anniversary. Ah, I remember my anniversary well. It was 1932 and I had just married my young sweetie Agatha Philbrick, a comely lass from Nantucket whose father was in the whale-oil trade. She came from fine stock, ah yes, and her skin was of the milkiest white and oh her ankles. Many’s the long winter night I was warmed by the thought of her dainty ankle. It kept me moving during the Great War. Now I’m reminded of a scandal back in 1931, when Ebenezer Krumfeld’s dog accidentally got a hold my aunts’ corset. Oh, what a lark we had, chasing the cur hither and dale through the country-wide. Oh, those youthful days of thistle and thyme.

I hope that helps.

—————————————————

Next, astrology with Eugenia Last. Before we go on, I cannot say more strongly that I do not make up any letters. This letter was actually published. You can find the link from nydailynews.com. This is a real letter. I pray that the letter writer is not serious. (He’s stolen Mr. Know-It-All’s gimmick.)

Q: Dear Eugenia,
Well on Sept 19th my fiancé of 2 years was tragically murdered over a dog that he had nothing to do with. They caught the guy, and charged him with premeditated 1st degree murder. Well after that just last week our next-door neighbor molested my 4-year-old son. I lost my job due to a sickness on Friday. My car broke down and I had to give it back. Is all this going to get better? ????? Am I going to be able to love again? Is my son ever going to forget about this .. Will I be blessed with a job with benefits? I need major help???? Why is this all happening at the same time? Why is this happening to my family and me? Has someone put a curse on us? I DO BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST and I do talk to him. I go to church on Sundays. What am I doing wrong????????PLEASE HELP ME???????US???????????
Scorpio

Dear Scorpio. God hates you. You are a loser. You will never be happy. And stop writing to me. Like geez, I get letters like this every damn day! What the hell do you want me to do? Gah! No wonder you have no luck- you are just so damn annoying.

——————————————————————

Well, I’ll give it another shot. It can only get better from here. PET ADVICE!

Name: Melanie Jones
Subject: Anal Sacks
Comments: I have a wonderful dog named Hercules who I adopted from the pound (he is 2.5 years old). We think he is mixed Rottweiler/German Shepard. He is the sweetest dog in the world, but unfortunately has several health problems. Among these are seizures, which are now “under control” thanks to Phenobarbital, and constant tail biting. After taking him to my vet, it was determined that his anal sacks were full and the vet took care of that (ouch!!). One month later, he is not as bad, but I can tell is still very uncomfortable and still bites his tail once or twice per day. It appears that his hind-end may be swollen. The vet suggested that if he continued having problems that they would most likely remove his anal sacks. I was just wondering if anyone knew anything about this problem, the various procedures involved or if anyone has any ideas on how I can make my dog feel better.
Thanks,
Melanie Jones

Heh heh heh- anal sacks! That’s funny! Take it from Mr. Know-It-All, anal sacks are funny. Look at the following example:

“Hi Bob. What’s wrong? You seem a little blue today.”
“Oh, hi Jill. I’m OK. It’s just my darn anal sacks. They feel all swollen again.”
“That’s too bad. I know a dog who had to have his removed.”
“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. Say, are we still on for our date tonight?”
“Oh no! I’d never go out with a man with swollen anal sacks!”

And another example:

“Henderson, I need those TPS reports by noon or you’re fired!”
“But sir! I have a doctor’s appointment. I’m having my anal sacks checked.”
“Unless you get those TPS reports done you’ll be out on your anal sacks!”

I could go on forever! Anal sacks! Cracks up Mr. Know-It-All every time!

———————————————————————–

Lastly, here is Dear Abbey.

DEAR ABBY: There’s a boy in my class I have known since I was 2. He’s a great athlete, but is a tad bit full of himself. He is always playing mean pranks on me and hitting me up for money, and if I don’t give him money he hits me.

I ask him to stop, but he still does it. Abby, what do you think I should do? — 11 AND FRUSTRATED

I think you should smack him right in the anal sacks.

That’s all. I thank you. And don’t forget- get those anal sacks checked every 6 months. Nothing is more important than your health.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Mr. Know-It-All: Big Box o’ Bad

11 Nov

from March 5, 2007

Wow, it has really been a while since Mr. Know-It-All has been sober enough to type. Man, my life sucks. I mean, how many times can you wake up in a puddle of assorted bodily fluids next to a hooker going through your wallet and her pimp doing blow before you decide to sober up? For me it’s 182 and counting.

Anyway, the infrequency of this rambling, and probably misnamed, “advice column” is not in fact due to my sobriety, or lack thereof, but to a specific legal precept * and the qualifying corollary.**

So we come now to Harriett Cole. I am going to exclusively use letters from her column. I love the tools who write in to her. They’re even stupider than the average Jersey girl. But not as big boobed. (Just kidding. I love Jersey broads. And big boobs.) Here’s the first letter, and it deals with an issue that Mr. Know-It-All is an expert in: urination.

Dear Harriette:

I work with five men and four women in an office with one unisex restroom. Whenever a man leaves the toilet seat up, he is made to assume some actual law has been transgressed.

I think these women need to realize the female method of urination is, at best, equal to the male method, but not superior to it. It’s as much of a nuisance for me to put the seat up as it is for some women to put it down. In fact, I rarely ever need the seat down at work, but I am forced to put it up all through the day.

I have the impression a couple of women here connect the toilet-seat issue to women’s rights. What a mockery. Women act as if they have some type of entitlement in the restroom, but unless they have broken arms, they could carry on as men have and prepare the seat to their own liking without the absurdity of complaint.

Jack, New York

 

Oh man where to start? First of all, a unisex bathroom is great! If I had one around here I could take down all of my hidden web cams in the women’s john.

Next, the old question, up or down? Well Mr. Know-It-All may buck the trend around here, but the answer is down, at all times. Let me explain. I take more depressants, anti-depressants, psychedelics, and just plain booze than the average army. I don’t know how many times I’ve stumbled to the bathroom, using my last erg of strength, bleary-eyed and strung out, and just made it to the toilet. I plopped down, only to fall into the bowl because the seat was up. If the seat was down I wouldn’t have gotten a goddam wet ass for like the bamillionth time. It’s one thing if I get blasted and wet myself, I don’t need a stupid seat left up to do it for me. But I got to tell you, nothing will wake you up like a splash of cold water on your nads. I learned that in ‘Nam. And it’s not like I need the seat up anyway. I haven’t taken a piss like a man since I came down with my fourth case of syphilis.

And what’s with these women anyway? “Women act as if they have some type of entitlement in the restroom,”  Jack writes. What the hell is that all about? Women’s rights? Get back in the kitchen and bake me a pie. And don’t even think about voting. Who do think you are, Susan B. Anthony? Get out of the bathroom and back in the kitchen. (And if my mother is reading this, I blame it all on you.)

———————————————————————-

This next letter is written by a jerk.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to Sonny in New York, I saw something on TV about “women” from faraway countries asking for money. Do not send a dime! Chances are you are not even speaking to a female. The report found a man posing as a female in this type of scam. If you send the money, you will never see that person or the cash. Also, this “woman” will invent some sob story about how she couldn’t make it into the country for whatever reason but that she spent your money already, cannot get it back and needs more money. Like Harriette said, “Trust your instincts.” Run away! And fast!

Scott, New York

I can go so many ways here. I can go with the internet scam angle. I can go with the “fool and his money” angle. But I’m going with the men posing as women angle.

Let me tell you a little story. It was July 26, 2004. I was trolling around Red Hook at 4 am looking for a little friction. You’ve all done this. At 4 am you’re not getting the pick of the litter, but Mr. know-It-All spent most of the day passed out on a strange floor and this was the earliest I could find my car keys. Well, we’ve all been there. So I slowed up when I saw this [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED]  and got her in the back and we [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] until it was raw and scabby, but when I [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] it was a man! So I [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED] Long story short- I paid him double and met him the next night.

And here is a part of Harriett Cole’s “response”:

I received a few letters from people who wanted me to say that Nigerians as a culture are dishonest, because the woman in question is from there. I cannot make such a statement. It is dangerous to label a whole group of people in any way. I refuse to do so.

Mr. Know-It-All has no such morals.

———————————————————————

Finally, another pathetic loser who can’t solve her own problems and needs someone to think for her. I shouldn’t complain- without them I’d have no column.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Like many others, I lost a dear friend when our friendship collapsed under the weight of changing life circumstances, disappointment, resentfulness, an inability to listen to each other and sometimes outright cruelty. The dissolution of our bond caught us both off guard – we were closer than sisters, and I had never imagined my life without her. I have forgiven her for the hurt she caused me and I have been working on forgiving myself for the hurt I caused her.

However, we still share a mutual circle of friends – we see each other at gatherings. I wish nothing but the best for her, and I am happy to see and speak to her at these gatherings. But now she has indicated, and I have heard from mutual friends, that she wants to be friends again. I tried at least twice to reconnect with her on a more frequent basis, but old feelings led to quick arguments and unpredictable meetings.

Does forgiving someone mean you have to trust her to be in your life again? Does my reluctance to reestablish an ongoing connection with her mean I’m being unfair and haven’t truly forgiven her? I feel guilty every day for not being able to willingly reciprocate her feelings, but I don’t feel comfortable allowing her back in my life.

Vivian, Chicago

Vivian, you need to be like me. Hate everybody! Hate hate hate! Trust me- people suck! All they do is steal your car keys in a misguided attempt to stop you from drinking and driving. All friends do is try to get you into some clinic to dry out. All friends do is refuse to let you vomit on their new carpet.

Forgiveness? Did Mr. Know-It-All forgive his father for touching him in the garage when they were working on the car when I was only eight years old? Did Mr. Know-It-All forgive his ex-wife for stealing all his money and running off with the dry-cleaner down the block? The one who you just know could have gotten the stain out of my jacket if he really tried? Did Mr. Know-It-All ever forgive Mr. Giambucci, the gym teacher, for the “jock strap incident” in junior high? I’m still not over that one!

So be happy you lost some dead-weight and get on with your stinking life.

————————————————————————

So let’s recap this one, ’cause it was a doozy. Urination, cold nads, anti-women’s rights, my favorite cross-dressing prostitute, Nigerians, hate hate hate, and some incidents of my life that I still have nightmares about. No wonder I drink and inject cocaine in the corners of my eyeballs.

Mr. Know-It-All often wonders what the purpose of this column is. Is it advice? Is it an abject lesson in what not to do? Who cares? It pays the bills. Or in this case it buys the cheap hookers, booze and blow.

* Sometimes you feel like a nut.

** Sometimes you don’t.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Newer Entries →