Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

Advice? Featuring a cameo from Mr. Know-It-All!

16 Nov

from November 16, 2008

Advice columns. Ugh. Who is the person who asks some anonymous person advice? Not me. Bad enough that I answer those questions, I’m not about to ask them. After all, the tool answering them is probably even lamer then me. In this edition of the poorly named Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride I’ll take the same question and pose it to a variety of “experts.”

The question, stolen from some site on the internet:

I am a completely straight guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night she was giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at first but in a little time I got to like it. I found it felt so good. Now my girlfriend asks if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first I said “Yes!” But the more I think about it, the more I think I might be gay. My question: Is there something gay about using a butt plug?Advice from a six year old:

 

 

My Mommy and Daddy live in different houses. I have a turtle in Mommy’s house. Mommy and Daddy used to fight. Daddy lives with his new friend. She used to be Mommy’s friend but they don’t talk since she started having sleep-overs with Daddy. They hug a lot at night. I think “ass” is a funny word. I used to play with poo.

Advice from a Southern Preacher:

 

You are both going to HELL! And DAMNATION! FIRE and BRIMSTONE sayeth THE LORD! Vile sinners repent. REPENT! As it is written, thy GOD will SMITE thee with the HOLY SWORD and you will never again question HIS WORD OR HIS NAME! Out, you sinners! HOMOSEXUAL SINNERS! BUTT PLUG SINNERS! Evil UNNATURAL SEX FIENDS! You must CLEAN YOUR FOUL, DOODY-STAINED FINGERS in the pure waters of THE LORD! BUTT PLUGS are the DEVIL’S ANAL TOOLS! You are sticking THE DEVIL’S OWN HORNS in your body! You are having SATAN’S INTERCOURSE with SATAN’S TAIL! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! Take your BUTT PLUGS and your ANAL FINGERS and anoint yourselves in clean oils. SIN SIN and MORE SIN! ANAL BUTT PLUG SIN! DOODY-STAINED FINGER SIN!

Advice from Mr. Know-It-All:

 

Jeez, of course you’re gay. How do you know that wasn’t a guy’s finger in your shitter? Look, when it comes in the backdoor nobody sees the delivery man, if you know what I mean. Start with a finger, move up to a toe, then a butt plug, soon you’ve got a dildo up there and then two big black cocks in your ass. Get the lube guy to start making deliveries now, fagola, I know from experience.

Advice from a Tim Gunn:

 

A butt plug makes you gay? Ewww, not gay enough! Call me when you become a contestant on any Bravo reality show, girlfriend.

Advice from Barack Obama:

 

I’ll get back to you after I poll Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers.

Advice from Glen Quagmire, from TV’s Family Guy:

 

Oh yeah, gigitty gigitty!

Advice from Mr. Know-It-All, again

Look fruity, you start off by saying how much you love your girlfriend. Like William Shakespeare said, methinks thou dost protest too much, butt wrangler. (Was that from Hamlet or Leather Clad Wenches of Stratford? I can never remember.) Your girlfriend is a beard, Hell, I bet she has a beard. You ain’t got no girlfriend. His name is Albert and he has a small cock but huge balls just right for tea bagging and you love it when he takes a piss on you. Tell the truth, turd-hole. Tell the truth! And send me some video ASAP.

So take it from me, the quality of the advice is only as good as the quality of the advice giver. Unless you are getting your advice from me. I’m good at it.

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My Review of Life on Mars

16 Nov

from November 14, 2008

Life on Mars is the new ABC documentary about NASA’s attempts to discover microbial life trapped in the ice on the Red Planet. To do this, NASA has sent astronaut Sam Tyler back in time to 1973. How this is supposed to find interstellar life is unclear, but it raises two interesting points: First, what are they smoking at NASA, and second, where the hell did they get a time machine? I know the government is full of black budgets and secret agendas, but if there really was a working American time machine I think maybe the fall of Saigon might have gone a bit differently.

Astronaut Tyler wound up in NYC with nothing but a spacesuit and a picture of President Nixon. New York was a very different place back then. The Mayor was short and effeminate and Washington Square was full of hippies. Oh, sorry, I mean it was the same. After trying to break through a sewer main to take a core sample, Tyler was arrested and taken to a typical 1973 NYC police precinct. The captain was John Shaft, the detectives were Superfly and Foxy Brown, and the night shift commander was Blacula.

Mistaking his spacesuit for a new crime scene outfit, Sam Tyler was made a detective on the force. Unbeknownst to him, his partner, Superfly, was not Superfly but really Sam Beckett, who had quantum leaped back in order to send Tyler home to 2008. He didn’t know it, however, because Al was busy running algorithms through Ziggy to determine in which week of 1973 he would see the shortest miniskirts.

Also unknown to Astronaut Tyler is the fact that his mother, Rose, would soon be taking off in the TARDIS and his real father was not the lowlife gambler Sam always thought he was but actually a sentient green pimento from Zaklon Seven. He’d be prouder of the gambler.

Every week, Sam Tyler faces different stereotypical 1973 problems, like rotary phones, Spiro Agnew, and hairy female armpits. While Tyler has never stopped searching for life on the planet Mars, he is becoming increasingly frustrated by the distance between Mars and his apartment on 118th street. In episode seven he tried to build a giant ladder but failed when he discovered that his roof faced Saturn.

ABC has promised that future episodes would focus on Tyler’s attempts to fit in and lead a normal 1973 life, despite his language being peppered with unusual 2008 lingo like “OJ Simpson verdict,” “pathetic Soprano’s finale,” and “Barack.”

Life on Mars will have a good future on The Discovery Channel, where documentaries need only pull in small ratings to be successful.

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