Tag Archives: Mayor Bloomberg

S’no Thanks, Mayor Bloomberg

29 Dec

December 29, 2010

NYC has been hit by a blizzard. Here in my part of Brooklyn, we had about 20 inches of snow drop on us. According to Mayor Bloomberg, New York’s aloof three-term plutocrat, things are rosy.

“The world has not come to an end,” he said. “The city’s going on. Many people are taking the day off. Most stores are open. There’s no reason for anybody to panic.”


Panic? Perhaps I should point out that I live on the intersection of two main streets and neither one is clear. In fact, one avenue is nearly untouched by plows and cars need to crawl around each other like ants to get by, while dodging pedestrians in the streets. No one is able to get around. People are risking their lives simply going outside.

“Yelling about it and complaining doesn’t help,” Bloomberg said. “I think you can expect another 24 hours before we will get to everyone and even then I’m not so sure.”

How reassuring. That’s leadership?

Well, the Mayor’s 24 hours have come and gone and nearly no plows have come by. The streets are impassable. But who is at fault? According to the Mayor, we are.

“Too many ambulances went down blocked streets, for example,” Bloomberg said. “What they should’ve done was stay at the corner of the main street and then walked down or struggled through the snow to get down, because once the ambulance got in it couldn’t get out.”

[This reporter] witnessed one ambulance doing precisely what the mayor wanted. It stopped on a main street so that EMTs could walk down snow-covered side street to assist someone. But in the process their ambulance blocked traffic, including a snow plow.

This is ass-backwards. Instead of the snow causing the bad conditions so the ambulance was unable to get by, the ambulance is at fault for causing the bad conditions that got the ambulance stuck in the first place. And I am sure it is a great idea for EMT’s to be hauling elderly heart attack victims over five foot snow drifts for an entire city block.

But don’t worry, I’m sure Mayor Bloomberg feels our pain

“When we clear your block,” he warned, “don’t get out and start shoveling snow back out there.”

Bloomberg said all the Broadway shows are going on and suggested that New Yorkers should venture out to see one.

Really? HOW? Mr. Mayor, I can’t get to Broadway! The roads are impossible to drive on, and none of the trains in South Brooklyn are running! HOW CAN I GET TO A BROADWAY SHOW? I can’t get to the bagel store across the street! I wish this guy would get his head out of his ass.

Of course, the City is working on it. Watch this wonderful video.

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Good Citizenship for the Holiday Season

23 Nov

NEW! November 23, 2009

Some people have no sense of civic responsibility, or even goodwill to their fellow man. For example, I went to a high school downtown and had to take the train. I was a little late and was rushing out of the station when a woman in front of me twisted her ankle and fell. Almost no one even looked her way, let alone stopped to help her. I hope she was OK, I really couldn’t tell as I was almost a half block away when I thought to look back and see.

But that is just an exception, really. I do try to be helpful. I would think nothing of giving CPR to a man with a broken ankle or applying the Heimlich Maneuver to a drowning woman. I’d even try to shock back to life a guy in a car accident by connecting jumper cables from the car battery to his brain. Take it from me, a firm grasp of basic first aid is a necessity and can be easily gleaned from any cartoon or foreign cable TV show.

Of all the various methods of first aid, none can be handier than the Heimlich Maneuver.

To perform it, you get behind a choking victim, reach around their chest, and manually locate a certain point at the base of the rib cage and, using short quick thrusts, force your fist upward and inward to the victim, hopefully dislodging the food they are choking on.

Locating a choking victim is easy. The person may be gasping for air and turning blue. Choking victims may be trying to violently dislodge the food themselves, often doing more harm than good. If you are properly trained in first aid and can competently perform the Heimlich Maneuver, you are ideally going to look for a busty woman because this is a great excuse to feel her up.

In fact, may medics, at the merest first cough, often zoom over to the table of an attractive young woman and attempt to perform first aid on the woman’s breasts.

Now that is good citizenship.

Other good citizenship tips for the Holiday Season:

  • After sitting on Santa’s lap, towel him off as you would the equipment at the gym.
  • After waiting hours in line for the department store to open early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving, do not leave your pee-filled Pepsi bottles sitting on the curb. Pour them down the sewer.
  • Remember that your fellow citizens may not be as fortunate as you. Therefore, try not to step on the homeless as you rush by.
  • When in doubt, leave the last seat on the subway for the pregnant woman. After all, she may be an undercover cop.
  • No one likes to receive fruit cake.

If we all follow some simple rules and exercise courtesy, we New Yorkers can all feel better. In the words of Mayor for Life Bloomberg, “People are worried about the unknown. They are worried about things that they are unwilling to invest some time in and learn about.” Wait; was that Mayor Bloomberg or Criswell Predicts? Ah, same thing.

So remember everyone, simple courtesy and citizenship can reap great dividends in the long run. In the short run, using the Heimlich Maneuver on a cute blonde can get you arrested.

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