Tag Archives: Grease

Mr. Blog Goes to the Movies: Grease and Grease 2

30 Mar

March 30, 2011

excerpted from August 27, 2007

“Endless summer” my ass. According to the NYC DOE, summer ends on August 30th. Thanks Randi.

To commemorate the season, a couple of quickie classic summer movie reviews.

Grease

This is a documentary about a year in the life of students at Rydell High, a school in South Africa during apartheid. There are no black people in Rydell High.

Rydell High is a last chance school. It is populated by 30-year olds who have severe psychological complexes in which they believe they are teenagers and wear plastic looking leather jackets in a vain attempt to act tough.

Bobby Wheeler plays Ken Ickie, a Japanese exchange student. It is good to see him working. Bobby Wheeler was once a taxi driver in NYC who took small parts in low budget productions by day and drove a cab by night. This is his biggest role, a twenty-eight year old acting sixteen. Way to go!

Ken Ickie is the leader of the T-Bones, a gang who likes barbeque. Their girls are the Pink Ladies, led by Pinky Tuscadero and her sister Leather, who was in a rock band back in Milwaukee.

This is their senior year. Most of them are looking forward to a life of extended juvenile delinquency, but Ken Ickie is working on restoring a car which he thinks will get him a spot on the Tokyo Drift circuit. Nicknamed “Greasy Lightening,” the gang has totally tricked it out: custom rims and chrome, neon, GPS, the works. Greasy Lightening looks great, but since the T-Bones all flunked shop class it has no engine. Looks great, though.

Grease is renowned for its soundtrack, with many of its songs becoming pop hits. These songs receive continual airplay, and in 2002 “Beauty School Dropout” was covered by Marilyn Manson.

Overall, Grease is the perfect summer film- silly and distinctly not thought-provoking. From the early scenes of Master Thespian Sid Caesar as the gruff but loveable coach to the finale where the gang piles into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and flies away, this reviewer had only one thought- where’s Adrian Zmed? I know he’s in the sequel, wasn’t he in this one too?

Did You Know? This film featured a small cameo by future “Battlefield Earth” star John Travolta.

Thought I didn’t like Grease? Here’s Grease 2. (And Bonus Fat Chicks!)

from September 1, 2007

People say I don’t rant enough. Well screw that! I’m gonna rant baby, and about some serious nonsense too!

I was watching TV the other day and they had some real crap on. Not the usual crap- extremely crappy crap. Thanks VH1! Go to Hell. Anyway, I’d read some review somewhere online somewhere of Grease and thought I’d watch it since A- It was on and B- I wanted to do something nasty to punish myself for having the god-awful bad sense to be a teacher. Well, it wasn’t Grease. It was Grease 2. Two! Grease frickin’ 2! Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to make a Grease 2? Did Europe have a Bubonic Plaque 2? Did Princess Di have a second bad night in that French tunnel?

OK, I get it, the first one made money so they had to make a second. Like Battlestar Galactica became a worldwide hit (I’m bullshitting here- it was cancelled after like one season.) so they followed it with Galactica 1980 and it starred Lorne Green, an annoying brainy kid, and a couple of dicks who kind of sort of act like Starbuck and Apollo but weren’t Starbuck and Apollo. At least Johnny Bravo fit the suit! Where were the Cylons? They did the show without the freakin’ bad guys! They didn’t even have the damn robot dog! Who watched that show besides me? I got two words for you- Space Scouts. If you watched that show you know what I’m talking about . That show wasn’t just bad, it was a painful Ass-Hell show.

But Grease 2 (screw it- do your own underlining. And I ain’t gonna bother with no good grammar neither!) was worse. They took all of the background and minor characters and brought them back. They brought back the same sets. They even brought back the same plot! What they didn’t do was bring back the stars. Believe it or not, they cast a cast (yeah, cast a cast) of people even less talented than the original actors. I know what you’re thinking- “BULLSHIT! It’s impossible to cast a less talented actor than John Travolta. I saw Battlefield Earth!” But they did. Leading the cast is Adrian Zmed (snicker snicker ha ha!) “Zmed.” That’s one of those female things, right? Like a woman goes to the gynecologist for a pap smear and a zmed exam?

Here are the selected highlights of Mr. “Zmed’s” career from imdb.com:

-Shira-The Vampire Samurai

-Honey I Shrunk The Kids: The TV Show

-Little Insects, as the voice of “Sir Sneekleberry”

and 72 episodes of TJ Hooker, which I will claim to my dying breath is William Shatner at his finest.

Then there is some lummox named “Maxwell Caulfield.” I put that in quotes because I’m sure that’s an assumed name. How am I so sure, I just think so. Get it? I “assumed” it’s an “assumed” name. (Don’t like that joke? Tough. Like you’re paying for this?)

Here are some selected highlights of this jerk’s imdb:

–

That’s not a mistake- Grease 2 is, by far, the biggest highlight of his career. And it was his first credit! This dick sank even lower than Grease 2!

Genuine decent actress Michelle Puh-Fieffer is there. (Not that she’s any good here. This film would turn Anthony Quinn into Carrot Top.) I’m pretty split about her. She’s either pretty hot or pretty skanky depending on my mood. But then I remember that she did shit like this and I’m totally turned off her again.

The plot is- look, if you saw the first film you saw this one, but with two exceptions:

1- The songs are far, far worse.

2- The producers were geniuses! GENIUSES! DAMN RIGHT I’M PUTTING THIS IN CAPS! Get this- they gave the Danny part to the girl, and gave the Sandy part to the guy. Yes! They reversed the genders! WOW! (Damn, they should have done this in drag! It would have been even worse!)

As far as sequels go this is better than World War Two, but not as good as The Revenge of the Sith.

Damn, I love writing reviews where I didn’t actually watch the movie. After the opening credits I started to flip around the channels and found blog-worthy paydirt on BCAT- Brooklyn Community Access Television- AKA- “we’ll show anything.” This is a channel where anything gets on the air if you can pay the fee. Got a low-res jpeg of your dog? They’ll show it. Most of the shows are done by either

1- jerks who think they’re funny and rope in friends and family to film them doing “funny” things,

2- jerks who think they are smart and rope in friends and family to film them calling Bush a “dwad,” or

3- jerks who take their video cameras into clubs and mack on women.

DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to be using very offensive terms to describe women. Now bear in mind I am referring to certain very specific women, all of whom are, and here I am being very very truthful, all of whom are over 450 pounds. Reread that again right here- over 450 pounds. So any of the stuff I say is directed solely at them and their big fat asses, not at all directed to any of the women on my friends list, all of whom are very slim, attractive, and sexy. You ladies know I love you, to quote Keith Hernandez.

Goddesses is a show by, for, and about extremely obese women. The purpose of the show is to show that big huge tractor-like women can be hot too. Let me clue them in- no they can’t! They have so much hanging flesh under their arms that they can trim it off and create a whole new person. They are all sweating badly under the studio lights. They all have eight or nine chins. They are big slobs! And I’m just talking about the parts that can fit in frame.

(And before you point it out- yes, I am overweight. But these women would be overweight if they were, say, a platoon of tanks.)

This show I saw had the “Goddesses” going to a club (that they rented) to have a fashion show (of clothes they designed) and dance with men (that they already knew.) Fine. No problem. Let them have fun. Let them delude themselves. I don’t care. If it makes them feel good to crowd 8 of them into a room with a capacity of 150, fine.

None of that was bad, really. None of that was a problem. None of that mattered to me.

Until.

The.

Wet.

T.

Shirt.

Contest.

THEY HAD A FRIGGING WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. THEY WALKED OUT ON  THE DANCE FLOOR IN THIN WHITE T-SHIRTS AND THE GUYS DRENCHED THEM WITH WATER. It was at this point that I went blind. Remember the part in Return of The Jedi where Jabba the Hutt had some girls dancing for him? One of the girls was big and fat and had eight breasts. The first girl looked like Both Jabba and the girl, stuffed in the same shirt. AND THEY THOUGHT THIS WAS SEXY!

It was not.

And the guys acted like this was a Girls Gone Wild video. Who are these guys? No, no, I really don’t want to know who would sell their soul to the devil and have to act like this turns them on and really have to go home and have sex with these house-like females. Some things should remain unknown.

This was train-wreck TV at its best/worst. You know it is awful. You know that it might harm you. But you can’t look away.

Still, it was better than Grease 2.

So I bet you’re wondering how much of this show I watched? Did I watch it all? Tape it and replay it? Do I secretly watch this in the wee hours of the morning? Christ, what is wrong with you people? I saw nearly 9 whole minutes of this before I ran through the channels again and finally settled on Spongebob Squarepants. Then I blocked the channel for good.

So to wrap this up, if you are ever up in the middle of the night and have to choose between watching Grease 2 or Goddesses, stick with Grease 2. This is the only possible scenario in which I would ever recommend Grease 2. Grease 2 may make you want to take your own life, but Goddesses may actually kill you.

Serious and thoughtful feedback is welcomed and encouraged.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Of Love, Grease, and The Big Bopper. (Sounds dirty, just a little.)

13 Nov

from February 4, 2008

It is so hard writing a blog when you want to write about your coworkers but they all read the blog. How can I declare all my innermost loves and hates if they are all reading this? How can I bare my heart to the one who means the most to me, alas, from afar? To look at her, to desire her, to want her and need her. For my heart yearns, my soul searches, my ass itches. This is all bullshit by the way, but you get the point. How can I write shit about people when they are going to read it?

I could go down the X Y Z route:

So I was talking to X in the hallway about Z when Y came up and said blah blah blah…

Unbelievably, using A B and C gives the same poor result:

A came up to me and we were talking about how I need to talk to B about her fat ass when C came in and belched salami gas and …

 And J K and L would just give it all away since my coworker’s names begin with J K and L.

So I experimented with codenames: Super Quark, Captain Peacock, and Lady Woman. “Who,” I figured, “would put two and two together and figure out who I was talking about?” Turns out I couldn’t put two and two together. I actually forgot who was who! Even worse, I forgot who I was supposed to be because I even gave myself a codename. For the record, I was either McMurdo Sound or The Big Bopper Jr. (“Helllooooo baaaaabbbbyyyyy.”) Oh baby that’s what I like! (Of course you know this song- Chantilly Lace, written by the Big Bopper and performed some time before he died (duh) in that plane crash.

FEBRUARY 3rd, 1959:

RITCHIE VALENS: I don’t think this plane is safe. That wing is held together by duct tape.

BUDDY HOLLY: I’m with Ritchie. Maybe we should catch a flight in the morning.

THE BIG BOPPER: What!? Don’t you know who I am, bitches? I am The Fucking Big Bopper! King of the world! I am rich and young and I’m never going to die! Now get on that plane and find me some hoes! I need some stank on my hang low!

BUDDY HOLLY: Don’t hit me again, Mr. Bopper!

(Is it insensitive of me to write this almost 60 years to the day after they died? Yeah, probably. So what?)

Anyway, few people are aware of the sheer arrogance of J.P. “Big Bopper” Richardson. He was the first porn star to make it in the music industry and he kept performing under his porn name. What, you thought he called himself the Big Bopper because of his music?  Yeah, right, and they call me “Mr. Big Pants” because of my waist.

The Big Bopper was a thug who routinely beat Ritchie Valens both off- and on-stage. Valens was regularly hospitalized and missed the entire tour of Tupelo Mississippi because of a fractured pelvis inflicted upon him when the Big Bopper threw him an amplifier on top of him as he slept. During a stop in New Orleans the Big Flopper, Chopper, whatever, pounded Valens with a saxophone to the tune of Dixie. In the summer of 1958 The Big Stopper threatened to cut off Valen’s tongue and make him sing out of his butt.

Buddy Holly was a classic example of “beaten spouse syndrome” and often simply cowered when in the presence of the Bopper.

CHANTILLY LACE LYRICS:

(The Big Whopper, or whatever he called himself, performed most of this song while pretending to be on the phone. This is supposed to be his side of a conversation.)

Hello baby, yeah, this is the Big Bopper speaking
Oh you sweet thing
Do I what
Will I what
Oh baby you know what I like

Yes, he refers to himself as “The Big Bopper.” What a dick!

But you have the genius and sheer poetry of lyrics like “Do I what? Will I what?” What the Hell is he talking about?

 Chantilly lace and a pretty face
And a pony tail hanging down
That wiggle in the walk and giggle in the talk
Makes the world go round
There ain’t nothing in the world like a big eyed girl
That makes me act so funny, make me spend my money
Make me feel real loose like a long necked goose
Like a girl, oh baby that’s what I like

Ah, I get it- he likes girls. No homo.

 What’s that baby
But, but, but, oh honey
But, oh baby you know what I like

Ah, now the subtext is clear. The girl won’t do something he wants her to do. This is the 1950’s. He must mean “heavy petting.” If this were 2008 it would mean anal sex.

 Chorus

What’s that honey
Pick you up at 8 and don’t be late
But baby I ain’t got no money honey
Oh alright baby you know what I like

Chorus

Compare this with the 2005 Kanye West classic, “Gold digger”:

“Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin with no broke niggers.”

 From Wikipedia, which I personally detest but use it when I am too lazy to do real research and don’t care if the info is right or horribly horribly wrong:

The first verse describes the protagonist being sucked in by a lady’s beauty, and unable to resist when the costs of being with her escalate.

The description of the ‘gold digger’ hints at her taste for the finer things (but oddly enough the protagonist is attracted to her for it, showing that the ‘victims’ here aren’t so unwilling after all).

 Later, we see the charm wear off as he is being taken advantage of.  She obliges him to help out all of her kids and all of their friends at his expense.

 

 

The second verse generalizes and discusses the long-term ‘trap’ where a gold digger gets a man to father a child, locking him in for child support to spend on herself, while not having to actually stay with the man.

In the third verse, West addresses himself to a female listener, first assuring her that he isn’t talking about HER, of course (I ain’t sayin’ you a gold digger, you got needs). West tells the ‘gold-digger’ that when that hopeful and ambitious broke man finally “gets on,” he is very likely to “leave your ass for a white girl.”

Can anyone argue that Kanye West ripped off The Big Plopper, Limp Whopper, whatever?

But I digressed again. As I usually do. I better reread this to see what I was talking about. Gimme a second……………………… got it. “It is so hard writing a blog when you want to write about your coworkers but they all read the blog.”

But I’d rather make fun of dead rock stars.

Elvis once said “Only the only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one.”

And he should know.

In “Change of Habit,” 1969, he starred as “Dr. Edward Pelvis,” a hip psychotherapist simultaneously wooing a nun played totally unconvincingly by Mary Tyler Moore and curing a young autistic girl by slapping her around. Yes, by slapping her around. There are plenty of scenes of Moore and her hip nun friends getting involved in civic events, scenes of Pelvis and Moore picnicking, and plenty of scenes of Pelvis slapping the poor autistic girl while saying “I love you.” Slap! “I love you.” Slap! I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! SEE FOR YOURSELF!

TRIVIA: This is the only feature film starring Elvis Presley which wasn’t released theatrically in Finland. Those Fins, always getting left out. Did you know that only last week they found out that Rosebud was Citizen Kane’s sled?

Regular readers of this blog know that I love the movie Grease. What isn’t to love? I still have a poster of Didi Conn under a pile of oily rags in my trunk.

Here are samples of dialogue from Grease:

Vince: Hi, I’m Vince Fontaine, I’m judging the dance contest.
Marty: I don’t think I’m entered.
Vince: A knockout like you? What’s your name?
Marty: Marty.
Vince: Marty what?
Marty: Maraschino. You know, as in cherry.

Danny: Oh, bite the weenie, Riz.
Rizzo: With relish.

Sandy: My parents want to invite you over for tea on Sunday.
Danny: I don’t like tea.
Sandy: [laughing] You don’t have to drink tea.
Danny: I don’t like parents.

CLASSIC!!!!!!!!! BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!

But I’m really riffing on Grease because of Jeff Conaway. (That and the fact that this is one of Super Quark’s favorite films. Or was it Lady Woman? See why I dropped the codenames?)

Jeff Conaway is best known as Bobby Wheeler from Taxi, the guy who portrayed a struggling actor. This while Tony Danza was around. Go figure. Anyway, while performing the song Go Greasy Lightening! Jeff Conaway suffered an injury.

GO GREASY LIGHTENING LYRICS: (Warning! Explicit Homosexual Content)

Well this car is systematic, hydromatic, ultramatic
Why, it could be Greasey Lightnin’!
We’ll get some overhead lifters and some four barrel quads, oh yeah
Keep thrustin’! Keep pelvis thrustin’!
Fuel injection cut off and chrome plated rods, oh yeah
I’ll get her ready, I need to go to beddy!
With a four-speed on the floor, they’ll be waitin’ at the door
You know that ain’t rocks when we’ll be gettin’ lots of cocks

Go Greasy Lightnin’!

We’ll get some purple pitched tail lights and thirty inch fins, oh yeah
A palomina dashboard and duel-muffler twins, oh yeah
With new boosters, plates and shocks

The guys’ll want to please us with a big huge penis
I can finally get a job!
Go Greasy Lightnin’!

It was during this song that Jeff Conway was dropped on the floor and injured his back. This led to a dependence on pain killers and then a crippling addiction that got him a gig on Celebrity Rehab, which also features such “stars” as wrestler Joanie Laurer and some guy named “Shifty.” It doesn’t seem to take much to be a celebrity when someone who came in fourth on American Idol is also on the bill.

The Grease Curse claims another victim! First was Olivia Newton-John, who was deported back to Australia shortly after the premiere. She was followed by Dinah Manoff, who was killed in an underwater skiing accident (don’t ask) and was replaced by a clone on Empty Nest. John Travolta became a scientologist because of this curse.

And now with more from The Big Bopper:

THE BIG BOPPER’S WEDDING:

And the man keeps sayin´ ´Do you take this woman
to be your awful wedded wife?´ Heh, heh

And then I started thinkin´ about no more winkin´
At the pretty little gals a-boppin´ by.
No more dancin´ and new romancin´
Lord, it made me want to sit down and cry.
Aw, no pool shootin´ and a rootin´ and a-tootin´
With the boys if I take you for my wife.
I can´t go no place, I gotta look at your face
For the rest of my dog gone life.
This is it!

Ah, honey, what am I doin´ here in the first place?
You knooooooow I don´t go for this marraige bit!
I was only kiddin´! Hahahahahahaha
And there´s your daddy sittin´ over there with a shotgun
layin´ across his lap
And a big smile on his ugly face.
And the man keeps sayin´ ´Are you gonna take this woman or aintcha?´

Well, then I started thinkin´ about no more winkin´
At the pretty little gals a-boppin´ by.
No more dancin´ and new romancin´
Lord, it made me want to sit down and cry.
Aw, no pool shootin´ and a rootin´ and a-tootin´
With the boys if I take you for my wife.
I can´t go no place, I gotta look at your face
For the rest of my dog gone life.
This is it!

Honey, what´s this jazz about Love, Honor, and Obey?
That cat´s talkin´ to me! Heheheh
And look at all these good lookin´ bride maids standin´ around, heh
Hellllllo, baaaby!
And the man in charge keeps sayin´ ´Looky here,
do you take this woman or dontcha?´

Well, then I started thinkin´ about no more winkin´
At the pretty little gals a-boppin´ by.
No more dancin´ and new romancin´
Lord, it made me want to sit down and cry.
Aw, no pool shootin´ and a rootin´ and a-tootin´
With the boys if I take you for my wife.
I can´t go no place, I gotta look at your face
For the rest of my dog gone life.
This is it!

And the man keeps sayin´ ´Look here, do you take this woman or dontcha?´
And I say ´Partnah, I don´t believe I do. Let me outa here

That plane didn’t go down fast enough! New forensic evidence shows that the Flip Flopper was at the controls of the plane, sans pants, as it crashed. Buddy Holly was trying to make a parachute out of used ketchup packets and Ritchie Valens was unconscious due to being whacked on the head with the Fig Focker’s guitar, El Kabong style. As Detective Parker Simmons noted, “it was a wild scene in that airplane.”

And for the record, J K and L, it is up to you to work out which was Lady Woman, Captain Peacock, and Super Quark. As for me, I think I’ll stick with “Dr. Edward Pelvis.”

MR. BLOG’S OBSCURE REFERENCES

It is 2008. Who else would write about The Big Bopper?

“Change of Habit” is one of the worst Elvis films. It is not nearly as fun as “Clambake,” which features the hit “Do the Clam.”

And lastly, did you guys really expect me to know Kanye West?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →