Tag Archives: Douglas Adams

I’ve Been Netflixed!

18 Apr

April 18, 2011

Netflix is cool. I get it through my TiVo so I don’t even have to bother mailing any DVD’s back. Good thing too because I think my mailman steals.

Anyway, much as I like it, Netflix has a couple of drawbacks, the biggest one being that some films are not available over the ‘net, they’re disc only so you can only get them through the mail. Another one is that if you order a season of a TV show, like Columbo, for some reason 2 out of the six episodes are disc only despite being in the same set as the other four. I don’t get it.

But that’s Ok. TiVo doesn’t get it either. Check out these weird recommendations I came across last night.

What is the connection between Superman II and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan? How does enjoyment of one equal the other? I gave it some thought and I think I got the answer. Superman II starred Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Luthor was a super genius villain; Bobby Heenan was a super genius heel wrestling manager. I get it. Netflix thinks outside the box. I like that.

Hmm. Godzilla. Doctor Who. The Taking of Pelham One Two Three? I got it! Godzilla destroys large cities; Pelham One Two Three is set in a large city. Doctor Who was played by 11 actors over the years, all playing the same role. Pelham One Two Three was recently remade with Samuel L. Jackson playing the same role as Walter Matthau and John Travolta playing the Robert Shaw role. (Travolta replacing Shaw is not in any way an upgrade, believe you me.) You see? Netflix makes sense once you think about it. It is a nice little intellectual game.

This is a little harder. Arrested Development (a GREAT show you should be ashamed you never watched) and The Office make sense. But Pulp Fiction? Pulp fiction was known for its dialogue and quotes, like “that is a tasty burger” and “this is some fucked-up repugnant shit.” Larry Sanders’ sidekick Hank added “Hey now!” to the American lexicon. (Think that’s a stretch? Let’s see you do any better.) And how did Hank come up with hey now? ”When I was a kid, I used to say ‘hey,’ and then later I said ‘now,’ but I never put it together until later.”

You may not be aware of this but this is funny because the version of 100 Years of Horror that is available instantly is better than the one that isn’t. It is a bigger set and ten years more recent. Anyway, what is the connection between 100 Years of Horror and Fierce Creatures? Easy. Fierce Creatures is a horrible move. And that comes from a fan of a Fish Called Wanda.

OK, they are both British and I read somewhere that Douglas Adams was a fan of Pink Floyd but c’mon Netflix, this is just silly.

And lastly, here’s one Netflix asked me. I’ll leave you with this one to ponder.

My Review of the All-New, Non-Celebrity Apprentice September 2010. Spoiler: It Sucked.

16 Sep

September 16, 2010

Donald Trump returned to TV tonight in the original format of The Apprentice. Last time around the contestants were all celebrities, but this time all around the only celeb is the one who has always been the biggest celebrity on the show, Donald Trump himself.

The premise this time around is that The Donald has gathered a group of smart and hardworking people who were hit hard by the recession and deserve a shot. Unfortunately, Donnie really blew it this time. (And no, I don’t mean his hair.)

I expected out of work construction workers, laid-off teachers, farmers, people who were pushing hot dog carts, even guys who hand out flyers on street corners. Those are the people the economy has hit hardest. Problem is, those are the people Trump never sees. Think Trump has ever eaten a dirt water hot dog from a guy who looks like he bathed in the hot dog cart? Probably not. So who are the new contestants?

A materials testing technician
A real estate investor
A corporate attorney/cupcake baker
A real estate developer
An account manager/standup comic
A financial advisor
A lawyer
A public relations flak
An educational technology developer
An assistant DA/web show host
An attorney/beauty pageant contestant
A sociology major/Olympic swimmer
A commercial banker/non-profit foundation fundraiser
An entrepreneur/Olympic swimmer
A real estate agent/”Miss Cougar California”
A “self-taught real estate mogul”/big game hunter

I wonder how hard the economy has hit the big game hunter? Can he no longer afford to hunt lions? Does he now hunt only meerkats? And a web show host? Seriously? There’s no money in that to begin with! That’s almost as bad as being a blogger. There are two beauty contestants, a pair of Olympic swimmers, (unemployed Olympic swimmers- but wait until the next Summer Olympics comes around) a standup comic, a cupcake baker who is also a corporate attorney, and of course the big game hunter. Is this really a cross-section of the country? Are these the most in need of help? And do I feel morally right rooting for the big game hunter?

Miss Cougar California? She is not, how should I say it? Attractive. As Winston Churchill once said (in a Dave Barry column) “Madame, I may be drunk, but you are still blearrrgh! ”

I think it is also more than fair to point out that the assistant District Attorney is still working, and therefore NOT UNEMPLOYED, and that one of the others quit her job, and therefore NOT A VICTIM OF THE ECONOMY.

Well, eloquent as I may or may not be, no one could say it better than Douglas Adams. In the second book of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy “trilogy” (which now reaches six or seven books) heroes Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent suddenly find themselves teleported to a strange spaceship. I now quote from somebody else’s summary:

The spaceship to which Ford and Arthur have teleported, marked as “Golgafrincham Ark Fleet, Ship B” is filled with bodies, such as frozen telephone sanitizers, hairdressers, and advertising account executives. Whilst inspecting the bodies, they are captured by Number Two, the third-in-command of the ship, who takes them to the bridge.

Conversing with the Captain, they discover that the bodies are not, as they believed, dead, but frozen. They are intending to colonize another planet, because their original planet was “doomed”. The “A Ark” was supposed to contain leaders, the “C Ark” to contain workers, and the “B Ark” to contain middle-men. It becomes apparent that the stories of impending doom were nonsense, and the A Ark and C Ark were never launched.

In other words, the “B” Ark is full of:

A materials testing technician
A real estate investor
A corporate attorney/cupcake baker
A real estate developer
An account manager/standup comic
A financial advisor
A lawyer
A public relations flak
An educational technology developer
An assistant DA/web show host
An attorney/beauty pageant contestant
A sociology major/Olympic swimmer
A commercial banker/non-profit foundation fundraiser
An entrepreneur/Olympic swimmer
A real estate agent/”Miss Cougar California”
A “self-taught real estate mogul”/big game hunter

It quickly became obvious to Ford and Arthur that there was never any danger to their planet at all, and they just made up the danger to get rid of a useless third of their society. Shot them right into space.

So this season, The Apprentice is a contest between the passengers of the Golgafrincham “B” Ark. I have no sympathy for any of them. These are the middle men in crowded fields who don’t really do or produce anything. No one who builds houses, nobody who can show a product at the end of the day. Want to know who should be on the show?

These guys: 

These trapped Chilean miners have no idea how lucky they are they missed The Apprentice.

Oh sure, there was a task this week, and both teams failed miserably in- get this- designing office space. These tools spent all their careers in offices and the best they could come up with was a lot of plants and a painting of an old man no one knew. Trump disliked both team’s efforts and, watching at home, I wanted them all fired. I was hoping Trumo wold launch them all into space, in his own Trump “B” Ark.

However, it should be noted, that all the inhabitants of the planet Golgafrinch died of an infection picked up from an unsantised telephone.

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