Tag Archives: devil

In Search of… The Devil’s Footprints

21 Feb

February 21, 2013

ISO footprints cropped

Religious scholars have long pondered the mysteries of the spiritual world. Does God exist? What happens when we die? Do humans have an eternal soul? For thousands of years the most wise and learned men of religious academia have tried to answer these questions and failed. However, they have succeeded in making one major religious discovery: Satan does not wear sneakers.

In England, on the night of February 8th 1855 after a heavy snowfall, a series of hoof-like marks appeared in the snow. These footprints, most of which measured around four inches long, three inches across, between eight and sixteen inches apart and mostly in a single file, were reported from over thirty locations across Devon and a couple in Dorset. It was estimated that the total distance of the tracks amounted to between 40 and 100 miles. Houses, rivers, haystacks and other obstacles were travelled straight over, and footprints appeared on the tops of snow-covered roofs and high walls which lay in the footprints’ path, as well as leading up to and exiting various drain pipes as small as four inches in diameter. There were also rumors about sightings of a “devil-like figure” in the Devon area during the scare. Many townspeople armed themselves and attempted to track down the beast responsible, without success.

      trio                 

Clearly, this is ridiculous. Everyone knows that Satan is a slick-looking man in a tuxedo with a pencil mustache.

Theories abound. One theory says that a man in a hot air balloon dangled his feet just above the ground and let them touch the earth and then lifted back into the sky and over any obstacles. Another theory says that it was an escaped kangaroo. Escaped from where? Australia I guess. Another theory, one advanced clearly for the comedy aspect, claims that it was made by hopping mice.

Yeah, hopping mice.

Frankly, there have been much more interesting theories put forth, mostly from the alternative press.

 footprints for satan

The truth, as they say, is out there. And this one is way out there.  Way out of print, that is. Trust me, in my role as a serious paranormal investigator I have attempted to track down that book for years. They say you can’t judge a book by its cover but in this case I don’t care. Look at it! Now that’s what we paranormal researchers call a book!

But back to England, 1855. Few people know that Devon was the center of a secret devil cult whose attempts to summon The Master often met with mixed results. It was this cult that was responsible for The Devil’s Footprints that cold British winter. From my own archives of the occult I present this rare postcard.

 twofer

Throughout that cold winter, the minions of these evil men tramped over the countryside to spread the evil and corruption of The Devil. And while it was not Satan himself who spread the cloven tracks across the country, it was one of his goat-legged minions.

Torgo Walking

In Search of… Satanic Cults, Demonic Possession, and Zombies

7 Feb
February 7, 2011
Although satanic cults have been documented since the dark days of antiquity, it wasn’t until the 1968 documentary Rosemary’s Baby that the everyday menace of old folks worshipping the devil in their classy condominiums came to the public’s awareness. In the film, Rosemary’s husband, John Cassavetes (played by John Cassavetes in a dual role as himself and himself) met a sweet little cabal of nice old devil worshippers who, in the film’s terror-filled climax, forced Mia Farrow to cut off most of her hair and go through the bulk of the film in a little boy hairdo.


Rosemary’s Baby
opened the floodgates (of Hell) and you couldn’t go to a beach, drive on a lonely stretch of road, or break down in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere without being beset by scores of devil worshippers determined to either kill you or make you bear Satan’s love child. (It was kind of like the relationship Tina Turner had with Ike.) And the movies were even worse.
Especially if William Shatner was involved.

 

Average 1970's Black Mass.

In fact, 1973 brought another Hollywood expose of the evil that surrounds us. The Exorcist was the harrowing true-life account of Linda Blair, whose extreme allergic reactions to pea soup caused Satan to possess her body and destroy any chances of her ever getting a decent film role again. Poor Linda Blair, her acting career barely begun, would from then on be relegated to such films as Roller Boogie (1979) and Zapped Again! (1990). If those films don’t prove Satan exists I don’t know what does.

 

Demonic possession isn’t limited to young, weak-willed white women. Even someone with a strong and outgoing personality can be taken over. For instance, in the pitiable and tragic case of Flip Wilson, his every move was forced upon him by Satan. “The Devil made me do it!” was his tragic wail, but it did him no good at trial when he was found to be mentally incompetent on the basis of a split personality, one of whom, Geraldine, was always heralding the return of her satanic boyfriend, known simply as “Killer.”

Satan still walks among us and exercises his considerable might. Though Tipper Gore and her crusade for music censorship was, let’s face it, stupid, she was correct about certain facts. The music industry has long been the breeding ground for Satanism. The brutal Blue Oyster Cult has been linked to a score of ritual killings across the Southwest and their hideous mantra “don’t fear the reaper” found spray painted in many desecrated churches. Today’s most hideous cult leader is known for the awful atonal chanting which causes the intense brainwashing of thousands of teenage girls. Despite many efforts to stop him, Justin Bieber is still at large.

"Kill, my minions! Blood for Bieber!"

The most tragic case in the annals of music is that of Robert Bartleh Cummings, who died in a car accident in 1977 but was brought back to life through a witch doctor’s black magic spell. Doomed to wander through all eternity, Rob Zombie is a shambling hulk who speaks only of the dead. There is little hope of his resurrection, as demonic possession is 9/10’s of the law.

A zombie, Rob.

Rob Zombie’s home video, Living Dead Girl, depicts the sad fate of a young girl who went to a Rob Zombie concert and made the mistake of breathing. Studies have shown that the atmosphere at an average Rob Zombie concert is about 2% oxygen and the other 98% against the law.

 

The Living Dead Girl, whom I will call Michelle for no particular reason at all. Seriously, she doesn't remind me of anybody.

Although television shows like The Walking Dead and movies like Night of the Living Dead glamorize the zombie lifestyle, and films like Deuce Bigalow somehow keep the career of Rob Schneider alive (c’mon- there had to be a pact with the Devil there) there is little to recommend the satanic lifestyle. Wearing flowing robes and black makeup, drinking cattle blood, the decapitation of small animals, and sex with cloven-footed half-goat satyrs may all sound really cool but there can be a downside. For example, if you get elected to a political office you may have to stop wearing the robes. In general, dealings with Satan should be left to televangelists, the Ivory Soap corporation, and Alan Moore.

%d bloggers like this: