Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

August 25, 2011

If you are reading this now then rest assured that I don’t remember writing it. No, I don’t have amnesia or a short-term memory loss, I just happen to have gotten ahead in this blog. In fact, I am a week and a half ahead, meaning that I wrote this a week and a half ago. Of course, the thing is, as I write this, I have to cast my mind ahead a week and a half to when you are reading it. Such amazing wonders you people of the future must have! When I wrote this, so far in the past, the news says that the case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is crumbling, that Libyan rebels are getting closer to toppling Moammar Qadhafi, and that Kim Kardashian is getting  married. I can only speculate what has happened in the days since I wrote this, so long ago. Is Qadhafi out? Is Strauss-Kahn free? Perhaps something unforeseen has happened, like Dominique Strauss-Kahn has somehow taken control of Libya. And is Kim Kardashian still married? I have an over/under of about six months on that marriage. The only thing I’d bet on is that Lindsay Lohan is partying again.

As terribly interesting as all that is, none of it has too much to do with the point of this blog.

So what is the point of this blog?

I was just getting to that.

“We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” Profound, isn’t it? Much as I’d be embarrassed to take credit for that, it was said by The Amazing Criswell.

I thought that it was long-overdue that we check we check in with Criswell, our (and by “our” I mean “my”) favorite predictor of the future.

The Amazing Criswell was famous for making wacky predictions in the 50’s and 60’s that sounded really good at the time and were taken seriously by almost no one except those few who were impressed by his fancy suit. Bear in mind he made a nice living at this. Gary Spivey has nothing on this guy.

So what did he predict?

I will now quote a few of the more interesting visions of the future from his book Criswell Predicts: From now to the year 2000. I will use only the ones with actual dates attached.

Criswell Predicts!

The Destruction Of Denver, Colorado

I predict that this catastrophe will take place during the tourist season and the fun-loving people in the amusement zone will suddenly find their day of pleasure turned into one of horror. A roller coaster will rise and sway, throwing cars and occupants to the ground below. A Ferris wheel will collapse and carry many children to untimely deaths. A penny arcade will become a dungeon of doom, a canopy of a merry-go-round will plunge down upon its most innocent riders. I predict only silence will reign where there was once laughter and gaiety. The citizenry of this Colorado city will find themselves enveloped in a jelly-like substance that was once brick, concrete, steel and lumber. They will be unable to escape for it will be impossible to cut through or tear this substance. Although soft and pliable it will still retain the strength and weight formerly possessed. I predict in the outskirts the conditions will not be as serious but fleeing people will find themselves mired in roadways and hardly able to move.

I  predict that scientists from all over the world will be called upon to help but no one will be able to offer relief for they will not be able to conquer this terrible force, this mysterious force from outer space. Gradually, as conditions ease survivors will be evacuated but this will become a dead city and will never again be reborn. I predict this unfortunate community will be a victim of elements beyond our control and will always be remembered until the end of time. I predict the name of the city will be Denver, Colorado. The date: June 9, 1989.

The Great Drought And Flood

I predict that in the year 1977 the face of the earth will be completely changed. Rain will not fall for a period of ten months. I predict that our great lakes will become beds of sand and rivers will slow down to a trickle. … The results of this drought will be catastrophic. I predict starvation, disease, insanity and death on an unprecedented scale. Hospitals will be overburdened and the death rate will be so high that the dead will remain unburied for weeks at a time. This will be known as the era of the black death, the twentieth-century black death. I predict that New York City will become a ghost town with industry at a standstill, for power will go dead, subways will be emptied and out of service, and the entire transportation system of this once steaming metropolis will be totally crippled. The populace will leave by the thousands in their search for water. The nation’s highways will be filled with helpless, struggling people.

In the great Midwest, I predict that the dust bowl of Kansas will be the death trap for countless humans and animals. Farms, fields and homesteads will be covered by mountains of sand and dust and no form of life can exist.

Meteor Destroys London

London, England, will be the target of this heartless killer from outer space. The meteor will strike in a heavily populated sector of London and will hit with unprecedented force, rocking the earth for hundreds of miles and slightly shifting the position of the earth. Shocks will be felt as far away as Paris, Lisbon, Denmark, Australia, India, China, South Africa, South America, and Washington, D.C. I predict that the once proud city of London will be a tomb of death. Entire slum areas will be completely wiped out. Date: October 18, 1988.

Men Become Cannibals

I predict an outburst of cannibalism that will terrorize the population of one of the industrial sites in the state of Pennsylvania—Pittsburgh. Mass mournings will be held for the victims. A smile will be unknown. The fate of this city of Pittsburgh will never be forgotten… Date: November 28 to December 21, 1980.

Interplanetary

Las Vegas, Nevada, March 10, 1990: The very first Interplanetary Convention will be held in the new Convention Center on the famed Strip with colony citizens of Mars, Venus, Neptune and the Moon in full representation; Governor Sawyer will make the opening welcome address

The End of the World

The end of the world, it is written in Criswell Predicts, will take place Wednesday, Aug. 18, 1999. That day, every point on earth will be covered by a black rainbow—not just any black rainbow, mind you, but “a jet-black rainbow; an ebony rainbow; a black rainbow which will signify the coming suffocation of our world. This black rainbow will seemingly bring about, through some mysterious force beyond our comprehension, a lack of oxygen. It will draw the oxygen from our atmosphere, as a huge snake encircling the world and feeding upon the oxygen which we need to exist. Hour after hour, it will grow worse. And we will grow weaker. It is through this that we will be so weakened that when the final end arrives, we will go silently, we will go gasping for breath, and then there will be only silence on the earth.”

OK, so he had a few misses. Cut the man some slack. You do remember when that outbreak of cannibalism hit Pittsburgh, right? And who can forget where they were when that meteor destroyed London? But don’t judge him too harshly. That last prediction? About the end of the world? Just before he died Criswell changed the date of the end of the world to fit in with the Mayan calendar, putting the End of Days at the end of 2012. So next year, if the world ends, forget professing your love to your family, your last words should be “Criswell was right!”

Tags: 2012, bmj2k, cannibalism, Criswell, Criswell Predicts, Denver, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, end of the world, Gary Spivey, Johnny Carson, Kim Kardashian, las vegas, Libya, Linsay Lohan, London, Mayan calendar, meteors, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Mr. BTR, New York, predictions, The Tonight Show