Tag Archives: Books

Binded for Glory

15 Sep

September 15, 2011

This may come as a surprise to longtime readers of this blog, but I am a professional writer.

I will wait a few seconds for the laughter to die down.

But it is true. It is in my official job description at The Company, which shall remain unnamed. And please, for security, it is central that you don’t use your intelligence and google the agency I work for.

Of course, I suppose the guy who makes the “out of order” signs for gas station rest rooms calls himself a writer too. But he doesn’t have to wear a suit and tie to work like I do. In fact, seeing as how he has to spend part of his day unclogging toilets he probably shouldn’t wear a suit and tie to work.

At any rate, as a professional writer and former English teacher, I tend to notice bad grammar, especially when I hear it coming at me out of the mouths of a couple of loudmouth illiterates at Staples.

I was on line at Staples the other day to have something faxed. Surprisingly, the place I was faxing some documents to would not accept scans sent to their email. They insisted on faxes. Faxing is increasingly becoming useless with everyone and their dog owning a scanner. And if someone does not own a scanner, I guess they should upgrade to a push-button phone first. BTW- I know an otherwise normal man who still has a beat-up rotary phone for no other reason than “it still works.” Not that it works very well when customer service tells him to push “1” for English.

Anyway, I was at Staples (who charged me over a dollar a page to send eight pages, plus tax. What a rip off.) waiting for my faxes to go through. The place was packed because I was there less than a week before school began and it was full of adults, but fuller of kids, buying school supplies. And surprisingly, a lot of kids seem to need Staples Easy Buttons.

While I was waiting at the business counter a couple of people needed an old book bound. I saw it, the thing was almost falling apart. They told the woman behind the counter to be very careful with it, it was very important. I judged the book to be about twenty years old, and when I got a glimpse of the cover I saw that it was more like forty.

The important book? Secrets of Success in the Modern Technological Office. And below the title? “New 1974 Edition.”

And not only was it being bound, they were having a copy made, which I am sure is a violation of copyright.

But had you seen the people you would not be surprised. I don’t think they were prepared to work in any office, certainly not the modern technological office of 1974. Let it be sufficient to say that they appeared almost, but not quite, totally unemployable.

However, what drove me nuts was that while they were technically having the book bound, they said they were having it “binded.” As in “my spell check keeps telling me that binded isn’t a word.” You’re on a computer, try it and see for yourself.

They must have used “binded” a thousand times in a ten minute span. And in a variety of ways, more ways than you’d expect a non-existent past tense verb to be used.

“I need this book binded.”
“The binded on here is bad.”
“I hope you do a strong bindeding on this shit.”
“I tried to get it bindeded a couple of months ago but they machine was broke.”

For the record:It is an easy mistake to make. I used to tell my students that when in doubt, the ear always knows. Which sounds right, “I runned to the store” or “I ran to the store?”

Say it out loud. “I swimmed at the beach” or “I swam at the beach”?

“I need this book binded” or “I need this book bound“?

Before you ask (not that I could hear you anyway) these people were not foreign. They sounded like they lived here all their lives, and they seemed to be from forty to fifty years old.

So I stood there a little while longer and listened to how their book was getting binded by the bindeder, and how the bindeding better be damn strong “or else there’s gonna be some shit at that.”

My fax had gone through but I was still waiting on the confirmation. Good thing too, or I would have missed the big debate about if red bindeding looks good on a blue book, and if they change their minds could they get it rebinded?

When I finally left they were looking at the receipt and one was asking the other “why the government was charging taxes on their personal books.”

Thank God I am educated.

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Harry Potter, what a tool.

7 Nov

from July 2006

Now that I’ve finished the book, here’s my review.
.
Would I let my child read it? Yes
Would I have read it as a child? Yes
Would I recommend that you read it? No
 
The opening chapters are dreadful and ponderous. Harry is mentally and physically abused by his family. (His parents are both dead, and he is living with his aunt, uncle, and cousin.) This is in the tradition of Cinderella and the step-sisters, but taken to a horrendous degree. There are no redeeming comedic features to the characters. They are ogres and monsters. Further, there is no redeeming comedic feature to Harry. He takes the abuse, never getting any childish revenge or satisfaction. He is a perpetual victim.
 
The next chapters are concerned with Harry’s preparations to attend Hogwarts, the sorcery school. Harry meets both school-mates and school-teachers. They are not unlikable. Even the teachers, who are (mostly) stern and strict are not dislikable. However, nothing much happens. Harry is introduced to various people and devices, with little development. It is a shallow story.
 
The last 1/3 of the story is better, and is why I raised my opinion. A small mystery develops, and it is this, along with Harry dodging some less-than-nice school-mates that propels the remainder of the book. However, “mystery” is a word with several connotations. This is not a mystery that engages the reader. There is no chance of solving it with the clues provided (there are none.) As with the rest of the book, it is simply a series of events which we witness, never with any interaction or concern. Further, the author cheats. She fudges some important points, and doesn’t  explain at least one vital plot point. However, this is a kids book, and they aren’t likely to notice. Not important to the reader, but just another point against the author.
 
I’ve got some more serious problems. Harry and his friends break some rules (albeit in a good cause) but are never punished. Moreover, they are praised and rewarded. Not a good lesson. It also lacks any morals or lessons. It is full of empty calories. Won’t hurt you, but doesn’t help either. I don’t understand how this book got its reputation.
 
This novel is very much in the style of most children’s “literature.” If you have ever read “Beware The Fish” by Gordon Korman or any of its sequels, you’ve read this book, just with magic added. It mines all of the typical feelings and fears of children, i.e. parents aren’t fair, teachers are out to get you, rules are made to be broken, kids are smarter than they are given credit for. It is writen in the style of “The Phantom Tollbooth” but lacks the sense of wonder and depth present there. That book works on many levels, “Potter” only functions on one.
 
Go ahead and read it to satisfy your curiosity, if you wish. It’s a fast read, and won’t hurt. It is even likeable, though not to the extent that I’ll bother to read the sequels.
 
Any comparison to Tolkien, Narnia, Oz, or any real fantasy is totally unfounded. This is a child’s view of fantasy, not an adult’s. It has a small scope, never really developed. It never attempts to describe the larger wizard world, only introduces small elements as they become relevant.
 
If you want to borrow my copy, you’re welcome to it.    😉

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