Tag Archives: Allen Keyes

Mr. K. Allen presents: Fun With THE Internet

5 Nov

November 5, 2012

Fun With THE Internet
By: K. Allen

As some of you may or may not know, “Mr. Blog” has been having trouble with a malcontent by the name of Allen Keyes.  It seems that Mr. Keyes is following the hockey players lead and agitating for a bigger cut of the Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride revenue stream, and “Mr. Blog” is following the hockey owners lead by locking the dirty bum out. So in an effort to force Keyes to come to the table, “Mr. Blog” has hired me to show just how easily replaceable Keyes really is. For my part, I seriously doubt that “Mr. Blog” has any revenue stream. I have read his blog and frankly I wonder how it has survived this long.

So this week, in an effort to show Allen Keyes how it is done, and to simultaneously bring some measure of respectability to Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride, I present to you:

FUN WITH TEH INTERNETS  THE INTERNET. – I don’t know where Keyes went to school, but it’s not TEH, it’s THE. And internets? What’s with the plural? There’s only ONE internet. Fun with THE INTERNET.  I’ve been wanting to correct that for years.

Anyway, so what does this Keyes guy do around here besides make the maintenance staff feel uncomfortable? (You would not believe the stories Lupe has shared with me. She has not yet stopped crying – Mr. BTR.) Oh yes, he makes funny captions for random pictures with his “internets” witticisms. Ok, I can do that:

TODAY’S SEARCH: BLUE SHIRT   Oooh, look at him! He’s blue shirt wearing guy. I bet he looked really hard just to find a shade of blue that nice!  LOL (laugh out loud).  And it even matches his eyes! HILARIOUS!  I suspect he is a banker.

 

HAHA! (Laughing) This gentleman is wearing a tie! I totally like that tie with that shirt! 🙂  (SMILEY FACE)  I wonder where he purchased that tie! *SNORT* (Snort)

 

“Tee hee! I bet this guy’s employers respect him! NSFW (Not Safe for Work). I bet his girlfriend enjoys that he’s well dressed! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLZQTFW (????)”

See how easy that is? Oh, hey I almost forgot, no Allen Keyes column would be complete without the cheap and easy laugh of a bad fat guy Photoshop:

Look! It’s hilarious! The Fat Guy is chowing down on a hammer! WOW! GET IT? See, he’ll eat anything! And see how crudely done the Photoshop is? A trained monkey or a talented 5-year old could do this!

Let’s see, have I hit all the various Allan Keyes standbys? Burt Reynolds, Wrestling, Mr. T, Nursing Home Fire, Laser Death Car, Video Games, Cosplay, Fantasy Baseball. I think that should just about cover it.

Now here, let’s finish it up by avoiding having an abrupt awkward ending to this post by throwing in some random unrelated internet pictures and a relevant Simpson’s reference!

Fun With Teh Internets: BACON PORN

22 Oct

October 22, 2012

If you’re anything like me, you probably lost your mind when you saw this story not too long ago about a possible bacon shortage  http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-202_162-57519703/global-bacon-shortage-unavoidable-group-says/  Furthermore, if you’re anything like me, you probably ran down to the supermarket to go full on hoarder mode and grab as much as you could squirrel away for either the coming shortage, or the zombie apocalypse, whichever would come first. Hopefully you weren’t anything like me, knocking down a pregnant woman grabbing for that last package in a meat-fueled frenzy. I blame my dad really. When I was a kid he cooked me bacon sandwiches – delicious crispy bacon on white bread w/ spicy brown mustard. Swear to god, I never had anything so good before or since.

Thankfully, the bacon shortage has been avoided! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! So now we’re free to gorge ourselves on greasy-nitrate filled meat products until our hearts gum up or burst, whichever comes first.

So today, I present to you, the best of bacon. You’re welcome!

Today’s Search:  AWESOME BACON

Number Five:Just a reminder to you all – Thanksgiving is coming. Liven up that crappy dry turkey with bacon deliciousness.  Hell, who needs the turkey???

Number Four:

This is quite possibly my favorite survival product EVER. And this is coming from a guy who watched “Doomsday Preppers” for tips. I mean look at this beauty:  BACON IN A CAN. WITH A MILITARY RIFLE ON THE LABEL. Excuse me while I break out in a spontaneous National Anthem………

Anyway, if you want to live the high life while in the bunker, you can add tactical bacon to your survival cheeseburger:

 

I’ll be honest – just off the picture, I can tell you I’ve had worse burgers.

Number Three:……………****DROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL****……………….

It’s been awhile since our pal made an appearance, but I think we’d be remiss if he was excluded from the fun:

 

Number Two:

That’s right…..dessert bacon! This beats the hell out of plain old apple pie any day of the week.  But for those of us who don’t have time to bake and need our desserts on the go:

 

Number One:

Bacon Faberge eggs!!!!!!!  Now this is art I can get behind! None of this Van Gogh or DaVinci horsepucky.  At any rate, I’m going to cook myself a few bacon sammitches now. Here’s a preview of how it will all turn out for me:

 

Good for me! The pig…….not so much. It’s good to be at the top of the food chain (except for that Gorilla with the sign language skills…I’m pretty sure he could make us his b*tches if he really went for it)