Archive | Travel RSS feed for this section

February News Roundup- Animal Edition

23 Feb

February 23, 2011

___________________________________________________________________________________________

STUPID NEWS PLAGUES COUNTRY

Mr. Blog to Mock Animal Headlines Worldwide

___________________________________________________________________________________________

I find this very prudent on the side of Australia. Much like atomic testing awakened Godzilla, and an erupting volcano brought Rodan out of hibernation, Cyclone Yasi could potentially bring a flock of giant birds to terrorize Australia. The death and horror would be devastating, and who would dare walk under a tree again?  However, experts warn that the effects upon the country’s statues and parked cars could be far, far worse.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

There are times in the writing of this blog when I simply step back and wonder if I am the last sane man. This is one of those times. Never in my life have I linked the words “sexy” and “animals.” Not only do I have to wonder about what type of person would, and not only do I worry about the person who thought to put them together in an exhibit, but I think I would stay far, far away from anyone who would go to see a “sexy animal exhibit.” OK, I like my cat as much as the next guy (as long as the next guy is not going to that sexy animal exhibit) and I think my cat is cute, but that is as far as it goes. I don’t imagine my little Fluffy giving me a come-hither look, nor do I interpret her licking of herself as anything but an attempt to get clean.

On the other hand, I am sure that the writer of that headline has a great sense of humor. “Gorilla Stud”? Inspired.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

It seems like gorillas are not the only simians with smoldering sex appeal. It looks like someone finally snagged that longtime bachelor, Dr. Zaius. What else would you expect? He has power and influence, and owns most of the vast banana plantations around Ape City.

The happy couple met online through J-Date, the Jewish singles dating website. According to his profile, Dr. Zaius likes long walks in the park, sunny days, scientific suppression, and keeping holy secrets. His dislikes include smokers and talking humans.

Mrs. Zaius (nee Yetta Bronstein) likes bananas and playing on her tire swing.

Dr. Zaius in his J-Date profile picture.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

This is what happens when you start with a sexy animals exhibit. Things just get out of control. I was always suspicious about what went on between Wilbur and Mr. Ed, especially the shows where Mr. Ed would wear a wig.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Now the preceding story makes sense.

What makes an animal unattractive to other animals? Why are these poor creatures left out of the sexy animals exhibition? Alligators are not by any stretch one of nature’s cuter animals, so what makes one less attractive than another? Is there an alligator equivalent of the Miss America contest? Do the alligators wear one-piece swimsuits and blather about how they would end world hunger while showing off their juggling talents?

All that headline proves is that the animal kingdom is no better than us. Ugly guys do not marry the prom queen.

Sorry boys, she’s taken.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Yes, of course, because not only do sharks hear exactly the way humans hear, and not only does the water do nothing at all to distort the music, but it is a proven scientific fact that creatures of the sea are powerless against the tones of Barry White. This is why Steven Spielberg is a lousy moviemaker. Had Roy Schieder simply played “I am Qualified to Satisfy You” the shark would have headed out to sea to find another shark and Jaws would have had a happy ending. As would the shark.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Now this makes perfect sense. Just release some mice in the airports and the terrorists would be so scared they’d jump up on the chairs, lift their skirts like 1950’s TV housewives and thus expose the bombs they had hidden under their clothes. Perfect! This puts homeland security in a whole new light. Why muck about with full-body scanners, radiation detectors, and all those security guards when a short trip to the pet shop would be so much simpler and cheaper? Someone call the FAA because I think those scientists are on to something.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Your Tax Dollars at Work

24 Jan

January 25, 2011

According to Forbes.com, New York is the sixth most taxed state.

 

 

Since that article was published in 2008 things have only gotten worse. Everyone wonders where the money goes and no one can tell you. Obviously, much of it gets frittered away due to gross mismanagement, as evidenced by the following sign.

 

 

 

 

Though I didn’t take that particular picture (lucky for me someone else did) I saw it on a bus this morning. It reads:

If it’s broke, fix it.
Instead of waiting to fix everything in a station at once, we’re fixing critical parts as soon as they need fixing. We’re now at over 100 stations and counting.

They are so proud of their common sense policy that they post it all over the transit system. They should be ashamed that they ever did it any other way. How many mothers give their children the same advice? If you break it or it is broken, fix it. It is the correct and responsible thing to do.

What the MTA used to do was not fix anything. How many New Yorkers have put up with broken stairs, out of order elevators, missing signs, burnt out bulbs, and non-working speakers? Instead of replacing or fixing them, the MTA used to wait until so many things went wrong that they had to renovate the station. And in the meantime the riding public was inconvenienced.

And some fool in the MTA’s advertising or public relations department thinks that these signs make the MTA look good. My tax money pays for those signs.

To make matters worse, while New York City has nearly 470 subway stations the sign proudly says that “We’re now at over 100 stations and counting.”  That means they are only fixing a pathetic 21% of the stations. And since the sign points out that they are fixing “critical” parts, I doubt that speakers and bulbs are being fixed at all.

It says nothing about cleaning the stations and trust me, they aren’t doing that either.

Thank you Mr. He-Had-to-Change-the-Law-to-Get-a-Third-Term Mayor Bloomberg.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
A stitch in time saves nine.
And replacing a few light bulbs and fixing some speakers is cheaper than renovating an entire train station.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →