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John Newly Is Shilling Some Stuff (Lying Awake #8)

10 Apr

April 10, 2015

ANNOUNCER: Lying Awake with John Newly will be back after these words from our sponsor

Hi, this is John Newly and I’m talking with my guest Kai Folger in what may or may not be a commercial since this spot is designed to mimic the sound and format of my talk show. Hmm, I may be violating some FCC rules here.  Kai, great to have you on.

-Hi John, always good to be here.

Now Kai, Carnischleppa has been called the miracle drug of the century. What is it?

– Carnischleppa is simply the world’s greatest plant extract. It’s a miracle cure for almost everything.

Kai, I have a list in front of me of literally tens of thousands of diseases your miracle Carnischleppa pills cure. I’m not allowed to read this on the air in America, but wow, the list is extensive. Is Carnischleppa really as good as you say it is?

– It is John.

Wow!

-There was a time when only the five richest kings of Europe could afford it. In fact, it was so scarce in America that the President had it personally airlifted to the White House by a crack team of commandos so he could try it.

That’s amazing!

– John, we guarantee that when you take Carnischleppa, you’ll get results. Now, I can’t guarantee what those results will be, but you will have results. Guaranteed!

Kai, before I end this hard hitting interview, tell my listeners how to get a free sample of Carnischleppa, the amazing miracle cure that I’ve extensively researched by reading the bogus claims on your website.

-Sure John. You can get your totally free sample of Carnischleppa by sending only $75 to cover postage and handling to Carnischleppa, Los Burritos California, OU812.

That’s a fantastic offer, but my listeners are very hard to convince. I understand you have a special offer tonight just for Lying Awake listeners.

-I do John. For tonight only, your listeners can get a second bottle of Carnischleppa miracle cure pills for only an additional $15, plus another $75 postage and handling.

You heard it here folks! Get your free bottle of Carnischleppa today. Thanks again to my guest, Kai Folger. Kai, I can’t wait to have you on again.

– Thank you John.

miracledietpillforentrepreneurs

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Michael Jackson vs. Russell Crowe: This Is Real

4 Apr

April 4, 2015

Russell Crowe: Hollywood A-list actor best known for his crankiness.

Michael Jackson: Music superstar best known for, well, you know.

I am not making this one up. Russell Crowe may be making this one up, but I am in no position to challenge him. (And if I were, I still wouldn’t do it. I am not crazy.)

According to Crowe, he was the victim of prank calls for years, all perpetrated by Michael Jackson. I’ll let the New York Post (our motto: “Sure, whatever, we’ll print it.”) take it from here:

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The only thing in that article that raises a suspicious note is that Michael used “a strong voice.” I imagine that even your average castrati could muster a stronger voice than Michael Jackson.

“Do you have Prince Albert in a can? OOOOH! Just kidding, this is Michael!”

Am I the only one who imagines Russell Crowe acting just like Moe from the Simpsons? “Listen up Michael, when I catch up to you I’m going to rip your lungs out of your anus!” Then he pulls the phone out of the wall and throws it out the window.

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However, I am happy to say that the story gets even better from here. I’ll let the New York Daily News (our motto: “buy us for our pretty ads.”) continue:

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Russell Crowe has just jumped to the top of the list of people I’d like to have dinner with. This guy has all the best stories.

I really want to know what his fake name was. It couldn’t have been “Mr. Big Pants.” That’s me.

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