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Pro Wrestling Smackaround! Round Two

3 Nov

November 3, 2014

Welcome back to the Crop Dust Arena in Tonganoxie Kansas! We have a sold out audience of almost 950 fans waiting for all the World Wrestling Congress action. I’m Lucky Larry Lindy and with me as always is my partner, Charlie “Big Tree” McGee.

About time you let me talk, little Larry.

Hey!

Listen, tonight’s show is one for the ages. We’ve got The Armenian Ace and Castro going up against Sargent America and Corporal USA. This match was ordered by the Commissioner of Wrestling after Corporal USA stole Castro’s green card and threatened to burn it in an All-American bonfire.

And don’t forget, that match has a stipulation that only union-member referees can call a three count.

Yeah, they’re running a check on referee Duke Blankeye backstage right now. We also have a pair of singles matches tonight. First, it is a battle between Jay-Z Elvis and The Porn Gif. These two guys have been brawling all across Southwestern Kansas!

Also in action will be Doctor New York, and he’ll be going up against Melvin the Nerd.

Ugh, I hope that little geek doesn’t split his pants again.

But the main event tonight is one we all been waiting to see since they first brawled in their Hell in a Pool match in last September’s pay per view, September to Not Forget. The Masked Surgeon will be putting his WWC Interstate Tri-City championship belt on the line against Colonel Mustard. Last week, Colonel Mustard hit The Masked Surgeon over the head in the conservatory with a lead pipe. He’s threatened to “candlestick” the Surgeon this week. I’m not sure what that means but it can’t be good for the masked one.

Later on we’ve got a WWC Dream Girl match with Penny Dreadlock taking on Butch Vera, but it’s time for our first match. It’s a rematch from their July loser buys dinner for life match. It’s Ghetto Rodney vs. Muttonchops McFly in a stop eating or I’m going bankrupt match! Muttonchops McFly won the match and he’s eating Ghetto Rodney out of house and home!

Ghetto Rodney had to take on a second job stocking shelves in a discount sock outlet to make ends meet. He’s hoping this match will, and I quote “stop that big fat slob McFly from eating me into debt or I’m going to be forced to sell my home.” Let’s go to the ring!

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This Week On Lying Awake With John Newly

2 Nov

November 2, 2014

And we’re back. It’s 2:45 and this hour we’ve been talking with Chet Humpty from the Oregon Association of Junior Transdimensionalists. Amazing stuff.

I want you all to know that the new Lying Awake newsletter is out, Lying In Print. In it, you can read about all of the hot topics we’ve covered on the show. In this issue, is ISIS behind Ebola? A pair of former NASA whistleblowers debate whether or not there are there fish on the moon. Could you be invisible to radar? Just imagine what you could do. My producer Fast Eddie asks “is your DNA safe?” and gets some surprising answers, and in my monthly column, Newly News, I reveal the ten secrets to using crystals to housebreak your chupacabra.

We’ll continue our conversation with Chet Humpty but first, here’s what’s coming up next week on Lying Awake.

conspiracy-theorist

On Sunday night, guest host Wink Martell will be joined by Sgt. Ramon Raquello, a pilot in the Bolivian air force, to discuss his fifteen year study of migrating salmon.

On Monday, I’ll be hosting a night of open lines. I’ll be taking calls on my special “ghost mother” hotline. If you have a ghost mother, call in and tell us your story.

Tuesday’s topic will be “I have Ebola but my wife doesn’t know it!” Call in if you’re hiding the Ebola virus from a loved one.

On Wednesday I’ll play “Name That Cough!” Every ten minutes, a past guest will call in and I’ll try to identify them from their unique coughs. Last time we played I couldn’t identify anybody! I’ll try to do better this time. My producer, Fast Eddie, wants me to assure you that their coughs have nothing to do with Tuesday night’s Ebola topic.

Thursday night I’ll have in the studio three old hippies from Woodstock to tell us what it was like back then.

Friday night is the return of our always popular Bigfoot Bingo. Download your very own Bigfoot Bingo card from the Lying Awake website and play along at home.

On Saturday, guest host Sgt. Ramon Raquello, a pilot in the Bolivian air force, will be here to talk to previous guest host Wink Martell.

You know, sometimes I wish I was a listener at home so I could just lay back in bed and listen to these great shows I’ve got coming up. But then I realize that there would be no one to do the shows! If only Strickland Von Weir was right. I had him on last week and he said that I have a doppelgänger who flips burgers at a Gooey Burger in Mobile Alabama. I could get him to do the show while I stay home and listen. Problem is, they’d have to find someone else to flip the burgers! Hmm, maybe a second doppelgänger? That would blow my mind.

We’ll be back right after this word from Nebulous Enterprises.

 

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