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My Memories of The Boy Who Cried Wolf

21 Mar

March 21, 2012


The Boy Who Cried Wolf takes place back in the days when child labor laws were nonexistent and it was ok for kids to play with guns. In fact, any kid over the age of nine who hadn’t shot a charging bull at ten paces was considered a wuss. The fable was written by Aesop way back around 600 AD. Aesop was popularly known as the biggest bullshitter in all of Greece.

The boy, whom I will call Arnold for no particular reason, was a shepherd. His father was a shepherd and his father’s father was a shepherd. What were his mother and his mother’s mother? Sexually frustrated. And why not? Their husbands were all day long out in the fields with the sheep.

So Arthur was another in a long line of shepherds and by the time he was ten years old his father had enough of watching sheep- it was a dead-end job- and it was Arthur’s turn to watch the flock. So he watched the sheep. He watched the sheep graze. He watched the sheep sleep. He watched the sheep stand around and bleat. He watched the sheep watching him. It was boring. Eventually he started to hallucinate that the sheep spoke to him. “Arnold,” they said, “what are you doing with your life? Why don’t you go out and meet a nice Jewish girl?” For some reason he daydreamed that the sheep were Yiddish.

Soon, after an intolerable amount of time spent staring at the wooly beasts, very nearly 15 minutes, Arnold was bored. The Boy Who Cried Wolf is the first recorded case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. 

Arnold figured that if he cried out that a wolf was attacking the flock all the villagers would come running. Crying wolf was actually his second idea. He rejected the idea of crying duck.

Arnold looked around,  took a deep breath, and texted into his iPhone “OMG! EMFBI but HLAC a wolf is attacking the sheep! IDBI! WTF?” Typical kid. As you would imagine, no one came.

Arnold was still bored so next time he simply yelled out “Wolf! A wolf is attacking the sheep! Come quick! Bring me a soda!” This time all the villagers came running because the whole village depended on the sheep for their livelihood. Villages were very sheep intensive back then. In fact, there was an era in history when sheep were considered currency, just as good as gold coins. However, with a loaf of bread costing three sheep, it was a pretty unwieldy operation to go shopping and people soon went back to coins, which could be carried much more easily in a purse than a dozen sheep.

The villagers arrived and there was no wolf, which made them very relived. They looked around, counted the sheep (which put not a single one of them to sleep) and complimented Arnold that it must have been his yelling that scared off the wolf and saved the flock. The villagers soon left and went back to whatever the heck they were doing. No TV, no wifi, what were they doing anyway?

However, far from being happy with all the attention, Arnold was very upset. Not a single villager brought him the soda he had asked for. He decided he’d try it again.

“Wolf! A wolf is attacking the sheep! Come quick! And don’t forget my soda this time! I want a Mountain Dew! Seriously, I want a soda! And oh yeah, there’s a wolf attacking the sheep too!” See what makes this a fairy tale? Who would ever intentionally drink a Mountain Dew?

The villagers came rushing back, guns at the ready, pitchforks sharpened, and would you believe it? By the time they got to the field there was not a wolf in sight, only the sheep and Arnold, looking very smug and maybe just a bit thirsty.

“Arnold,” they asked, “are you sure you saw a wolf?”
“I cannot tell a lie. Sure I saw a wolf.”

Unfortunately, Arnold had a bit of a reputation around the village. People still remembered the time he claimed to have been abducted by a UFO to avoid his chores.

“Can you describe the wolf?” Seriously, this was the best the villagers could come up with.
“He had big teeth and furry ears.”
“Just like my grandmother!” exclaimed Little Red Riding Hood, and since everyone knew that she was still traumatized ever since the time a cross-dressing wolf ate her grandmother the villagers dropped the subject and went home. And of course, they once again failed to bring Arnold his soda.

Arnold waited an hour to give the village time to cool down and he even fell asleep for a few minutes (in which time a wolf really did devour three of the sheep) and when he woke up, he screamed at the top of his lungs “Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!”

The villagers didn’t come running quite so fast this time. In fact, many of them didn’t come at all. A few of them were at Arnold’s house giving his father an earful about what a miserable son he had, but still, some came running to the field and when they saw no wolf and Arnold rolling around on the ground laughing like a loon, it crossed the minds of more than one villager that they had found the new village idiot.

Silently, wordlessly, but with a great deal of glaring and evil looks, the villagers trudged back home.

It wasn’t long before Arnold got bored. Sure, it was fun for a while, but what did crying wolf get him? Nothing, not even a Mountain Dew. Being full of energy and ADHD, It wasn’t long before Arnold found new diversions, like throwing rocks at some frogs and pulling the wings off flies. It was while he was torturing a small snake that he looked up and saw- and this is going to be quite a shock so hold onto your hats- a wolf stalking the sheep.

“WOOOOLF! There’s a wolf after the sheep! For realz this time! And no, ‘realz’ is not a typo!”

Hearing yet another Arnold wolf alert, none of the villagers bothered to investigate, except for one kindly old man, the village elder, the wisest man in the area. He went to fields, saw the wolf, and raised his gun. With one sure pull of the trigger, he let his bullet fly and his aim was sure and true. It flew into the field, a full ten feet to the left of the wolf, and right into Arnold’s chest.

Satisfied, the wise old man returned to the village, secure in the knowledge that they might have lost a few sheep, but no one likes a smart ass.

The moral of the story? Undiagnosed ADHD can be dangerous for a young child. Have your child screened before being allowed to tend sheep.

Can you stand more?
Read My Memories of Cinderella here.

Read My Memories of Snow White here.

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The Celebrity Apprentice: Week Five

18 Mar

March 18, 2012

Last week Trump fired both Adam Carolla and Michael Andretti. It was a mistake on Carolla’s part. As the project manager of a team that I believe did a much better job than the women but lost, he took the fall and brought no one into the boardroom so he had to go. However, it was clear that Team Trump was itching to fire Andretti, and had Carolla brought him into the boardroom Adam would still be here.

This week Lou Ferrigno steps up and leads the team, a team who, to a man, are against him.

THE TASK: Create a viral video for an O’Cedar mop
MEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Lou Ferrigno
WOMEN’S PROJECT MANAGER: Tia Carrere

Audrey O’Day: “I am not stepping up to be project manager because this brand has been around a hundred years, just like Tia.”  She is really a shitty person, isn’t she? Presumably she went on this show for exposure but she is just being exposed as vapid self-absorbed. “I might be permanently deaf in this ear from Dayana’s bad ideas.” “Tia refuses to use me and I want to sock her in the face.” She needs to sock whoever advised her to go on this show because it has elevated her from barely known singer to widely known pain in the ass.

“If Lisa and Aubrey are not in that essential position up front they get grumpy.” – Tia.
“On every task I was the creator, director, the star, I did everything. And for Tia not to use me makes me angry.” – Aubrey. BTW- Aubrey usually wears more makeup than any three other members of her team.

Lou’s idea for the task is, as usual, he’ll star and flex his muscles. The team is skeptical, to say the least.

The women came up with a risqué theme, which not everyone liked, and Lisa Lampinelli, of all people, thought some of the women were going too far. They were going with women talking about their numbers (as in sexual partners) but revealing that they were actually talking about how many mops they owned. How this related to the virtues of the O’Cedar Promist mop I have no idea.

Lou took off on something the O’Cedar people said, “the mop is the hero,” and wanted to do a superhero thing, which Penn challenged him on and as I said before, I do not think there is anyone on that team more creative than Penn.

However…

“If it is not Penn’s idea all he wants to do is point out negatives.” – Clay. He got very frustrated and voiced his worry that some people in the room (meaning Penn) were trying to set Lou up to fail, and of course that would take the team with him. I have not always been very complimentary to Clay Aiken in the past but he has impressed me on this show so far with his professionalism and dedication. “You don’t have a way but you have a hundred this-is-not-the-ways.” Once Clay got the team back on track they took Lou’s idea and made something good out of it. (But we’ll see what happens in the execution later.) Penn took Clay’s challenge really badly and sulked. He even said that working with people he didn’t choose was a bad idea. Who would expect Clay Aiken to challenge Penn Jillette and win?

 “I don’t even know what viral means.” That’s your Paul Teutul Senior quote of the week.

The men’s video will be a showdown between Lou and Paul Senior and frankly a lot of people would like to see that fight in real life, but for me the highlight was seeing Lou dance around (and fall) with the mop. Could that go viral? Maybe.

In fact, here is what is claimed to be his audition video for Dancing With the Stars:

Lisa to Aubrey and Debbie: “Everyone does not have to be a star. I am sick of the egos. It is BS that every person has to be a star. It is sickening.” However, it was also directed at the other women who complained about not having face time, including Patricia, who was put in charge of getting flowers. Want to know what video will go viral? The clip of her trying to get “peonies” but asking for “penis.”

Clay tried to work things out with Penn, but Penn was still sulking and took it personally and believed that Clay didn’t like him. “I have never felt more set up.” I like the guy, have a ton of respect for h is intelligence, and love his stage act, but he is acting like a two-year old. Clay spoke, Penn sulked. “I don’t feel like there is any solution to this at all,” Clay said.

Lou’s video was pretty good. The theme was “I’m going to mop the floor with you.” It worked on both levels. BTW- Paul Senior came up with it.

Then the women’s presentation came and, well, it was there. But the O’Cedar people seemed to like it.  “They didn’t really use the project.”

10:07.  The Boardroom.

In the boardroom Paul, Dee, Arsenio, and Clay all praised Lou. If it was honest, they all loved him.

Tia praised Lisa for being a brilliant, fast writer. Lisa then criticized Tia, egged on by Trump. When asked by Trump, Dayana pointed out that Debbie was stressed. Debbie then blamed it on Tia.

Lisa: “I am consistently frustrated in this room” because the main creative part falls on her, Aubrey, and Debbie, and the others were less creative but somehow still valuable. Who would Lisa say is the least valuable? Dayana. “I never heard an idea out of her that was usable in the last five weeks.”

Tia was coming off as a week leader who deferred to her teammates, which Trump challenged her on. It was making her look weak, especially when she didn’t do much to argue against Lisa who claimed she was not creative. Patricia also argues that she didn’t like the theme and that yes, she is creative but not listened to.

Trump asked Penn to explain the concept, which he did, and then Penn said “he was way funnier than I expected him to be.” If the team loses, who gets fired? Dee said Paul Senior. “Oddly there was nothing for him to do.” Paul agreed, there was simply nothing for him to do. Bear in mind, he came up with the theme. Arsenio picked Paul “but without him we don’t have a concept.” As Trump Jr said, he might have only contributed for five seconds, but they were the most important five seconds.

If he loses, who does Lou bring back? Paul and Penn. “He is a bull in a china closet with a superior attitude.” I think of the three Paul will clearly survive. I think he picked Paul only because he realized that Paul was the only other one to be criticized. Penn he picked for not being a team player. Clay backed him up “Penn has admitted that he doesn’t like not being in charge. If it is not his decision he will disengage. He has a tendency to become condescending.” Dee said he was a “fact checker” and “there seemed to be an emotional disconnect.”

Penn: “I believe I did some writing and some typing.” Not a great defense.

Aresnio: “I was proud of the man [Clay]. He stepped to [Penn}.”

THE WINNER: The Men. And after weeks of taking crap from everyone Lou must have felt great.

Back in the boardroom. “Dayana, were you surprised?”
“No, not really.”

Lisa criticized the concept but she also did so back during the brainstorming session. Lisa is a fighter in the boardroom. She also said that Dayana was lying about not liking the concept since she went right along with it.

Did Dayana have another idea? “Every idea I give is not taken.”

Aubrey: “This was the least enjoyable time I’ve had here.” Why? Because she was not included in a major way. Even the men, watching on TV. laughed at her.

Who should be fired? Patricia: fire Tia. Lisa: fire Tia. Or Dayana for being “The most distracting.” Aubrey (to Trump): “I’d like to be part of your family.” UGH. But who should be fired? Tia. Who is a weaker player than Tia? Dayana.

Patricia, who is the weakest player? Teresa.

Teresa: “I finsihed my third book. I have a ghost writer. I can be a writer.” Correct me if I am wrong, but having a ghost writer means you cannot be a writer.

Tia: Aubrey “hates not being the center of attention.”
Arsenio: “She is so self-righteous no wonder Diddy fired her. If there is a god she is out of here.”
Tia: “She never stops talking.”

GOING TO THE BOARDROOM: Tia, and no one else, and what a dumb move that was. This is for charity! FIGHT! Now she has to go back to her charity and say “I gave up without a fight.”

NEXT WEEK: The celebrities have to throw a party.

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