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This Is Where I Live (1)

14 Aug

August 14, 2012

As backwards as this will sound, I interrupt the summer series of Tuesday reruns to post a new blog. This is the first of a trio of blogs that describe the typically atypical things that I have experienced recently right here in my own neighborhood. Today, Dyker Heights.

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Just last week, Saarah and I (and don’t all these stories involve her? She’s the best) decided to go out for ices. It was around 10:00 on a weeknight. Now where I live, there are plenty of places to go for ices, from pizzerias to bakeries, but we wanted to go a store that specialized in ices and had a great selection of flavors.

We had been there before. The last time there were three girls in small shop, all around 18 or so, and while we were getting our ices Saarah and I got to listen to their amazing discussion, mostly about one of them who lives almost in another borough and commutes by public transportation to work in the ices shop. Why did she come so far to work for minimum wage in a seasonal job? That was never explained and before I got a chance to get all nosey and ask they gave us our ices and we left.

The place is on the edge of a residential area on a major street so it was pretty quiet that night. We parked about two blocks away and, bearing in mind that I had just torn a muscle in my leg a couple of days earlier, we had a very slow walk to the shop. But we were making our way there when we saw some flashing lights down the street and heard some recorded announcement that we couldn’t really make out.

I turned back to look and it seemed to me that maybe it was some election and the announcement was screaming to vote for someone or other in whatever local election was soon to come.

That wasn’t it. As the vehicles drew closer, we saw that the lights and sound were coming from a police car. There was some sort of large truck immediately behind it. And the announcement?

“The City of New York is spraying pesticides to kill mosquitoes to stop the spread of West Nile Virus. Get inside IMMEDIATELY.”

Saarah looked at me.
I looked at her.
We looked at the approaching truck.
We looked around at all the private homes with their locked doors and no lights and no place we could possibly get inside.

Then the truck came and sprayed a huge and smelly cloud of pesticides in the air not six feet above our heads.

What could we do? We resumed walking to the ices shop, convinced that we were dosed with a fatal amount of pesticides. Saarah has stopped eating McDonald’s French fries because of the pesticides they use on the potatoes, so the irony is obvious.

She immediately got a headache.

Thanks to the City of New York, who gave us about 30 seconds warning to get to cover, I may now have an army of poisonous chemicals working its way through my system.

But on the plus side, I do not have West Nile Virus.

30 seconds. Didn’t the British get more warning during the Blitz when an air raid was on the way?

Thanks New York.

Luckily, Vulcans are immune to both Terran pesticides and West Nile Virus.

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Groovy Fun With Fashion, By “Tiger” Keyes

13 Aug

August 13, 2012

Allen Keyes is off on vacation this week climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. In the meantime, please enjoy this rare presentation of his first printed work, from the June 1978 issue of Discotheque Magazine

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Groovy Fun With Fashion, By “Tiger” Keyes

Hello all you cats and kittens! It’s my deepest pleasure to be writing for you all today. It gives me such happiness to put words to paper. My friends Bill G. and Steve J. keep trying to get me interested in something called Telenet. I don’t know what that is. Man, they keep going on and on about how it works computers and stuff like that. Writing for large audiences over a computer? Heh heh oh man…..it will never catch on. I keep telling them they need to make the scene at the disco instead of playing in the garage with those circuit boards. Man, I’d rather dance! My lapels are wide, my suit is tight, my platforms are this high! Computers? By 1980 we’ll have forgotten all about them. But it’s all good, right amigos and amigas? We have this fine magazine, we have each other, we have disco (FOREVER!!!!!!) and I have a fashion roundup for all of you.

Karate Man

Righteous outfit brother…..righteous. Obviously inspired by the man himself:

 

That’s what I’m talking about boys and girls! Look at that comfortable gi! Everyone is going to want one of those. So comfortable, so loose and convenient! I predict that the recreational karate gi is going to become the most popular garment in the afro community within the next 5 years. This is going to usher in a whole golden age of black karate in the United States, I guarantee it.

These jumpsuits have a vaguely Mideastern flair to them

 

Speaking of the middle-east, as I write this I hear on my transistor earbud that the Ayatollah is returning home to Iran. I have a feeling that this is going to spark a whole new era of US-Iran friendship. I hope so, it costs me $11 dollars to fill up my Impala’s tank! Godspeed Ayatollah, our good friend!

Anyway, getting back to the ads above – the suits are hip, but for the guy I’d recommend he do something about his facial hair. Hey guy, just some friendly advice, grow it out a bit. It looks a drop thin. The bunnies love something to hang onto during the shag, wink wink! Gentleman, I suggest this be the facial hair that you aspire to:

 

See? And that shirt he’s wearing is really caposhi!

The Executive Look

 

Ace! As my man Chico says, “looo-king Goood!”  Ride on Plaid Stallions, ride on brothers. That’s what I’m talking about. This is how the man dresses, dig? That double-knit polyester gives a nice, unwrinkled look. A suit is no good without a nice sheen to it. And those dress shirts! It’s like the old days at the Court of Versailles – the more ruffles you have, the more power you have. I only have a training ruffle right now, but by this time next year I plan to have at least two.

You look at these well-dressed Cassanovas above, then you look at a square like this Reagan guy!

 

A cowboy hat? What a grueler! He’s so not with it! And this hombre thinks he can run for President in 1980? HA! Gonna be a Carter landslide my friends. Easy. This guy will fade into obscurity soon enough.

Colder Than a Deuce

 

One word describes that sweater: GROOOOO-VY! I always wanted my grandma to knit me some winter wear, but this is the next best thing. I want to rush out right this second and beef up my wardrobe. Others may show up with bigger lapels or wider jean flairs or hairier chests (I shave my chest hair in the form of an eagle, when the ladies see it I tell them if they like that they should see the nest!) but belted sweaters are always hard to beat. 

The best thing about this piece? It looks nice and warm. You can wear these threads to chilly Lake Placid to see the Olympics. Wear that bad boy to the Ice Hockey tournament, where you can watch the Russian Team cruise to the gold. They have the world’s best goalie in Tretiak, and they’re just an overall powerhouse. What do we have, a bunch of college kids? They’ll be lucky to get even one win. I’d lay heavy bread on it.

 

Douglas Bull

 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real man. Ready for action…..anywhere, anytime. This is the look I’ve been trying to perfect for a few years now, but I lack this gentleman’s finely chiseled physique. The only problem I have with this outfit is the shirt! Lose the shirt man. Show the world what us Doug Bulls are all about!

This cat puts me in mind of master thespian Burt Reynolds. He was just on the cover of People:

 

I love Burt. He’s the best actor of our generation. I just read that he’s agreed to star in Smokey and the Bandit 2! That’s exciting news! Sure to be the box office hit of next year, I just hope that Emipre Strikes Back film gets pushed back to make way for this hit. Star Wars….*snort* It’s just a passing fad. Smokey and the Bandit, now that’s a franchise that has legs! Why the premise alone is so good, I bet that they can even do one without the Bandit himself! The only change I’d make would be to get rid of Jackie Gleason as Sherriff Justice. What a hack that guy is. Gabe Kaplan, now THERE’S the guy who should be playing Smokey!

 

Off to boogie……

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